Last Friday was International Nurses’ Day and my secretary, Threnody Higginbottom (I call her Miss Smith), forgot to remind me.

But at least one reader remembered – he calls himself Poppa Howard and is, I imagine, a pensioner who delights in sending amusing e-mails to any who are likely to appreciate them, like me.

He has enabled me to mark Nurses’ Day with these answers to exam questions by trainee nurses.

A nurse must scream around the bed before giving treatment. (It should have read “screen”.)

The Kiss of Death can be practiced by any nurse in deserving cases.

Before artificial respiration, tilt the patient’s head back until the tongue falls out.

Nurses that are not qualified are not allowed to take bloody pressures.

The needle should be driven into the tissue by an angel of about 45… and following this weight increase treatment the patient should be a little bugger in about a month’s time.

A specimen of urine should be taken from all new patients, tested and then placed in the patients file.

In a case of high temperature the patient’s four heads should be sponged.

In a case of poisoning an anecdote should be urgently investigated.

In cases of constipation, olive oil should be injected into the rectum.

A nurse should follow this later with a mixture of soap and water.

Dangerous drugs must be kept locked up with the ward sister.

Talking of using anecdotes, Howard followed this list with some anecdotes.

Husband, on telephone to a hospital: “Has my wife had the baby yet, nurse?”

“Yes, sir, she had it about half an hour ago.”

“Oh, splendid! Is it a girl or a boy?”

“We don’t know yet, we are still trying to get it down off the curtain rail.”

A doctor asked a patient: “Do you have problems with concentration since the accident?”

The patient said: “Oh, no! I eat lots of prunes.”

THE AUTOMATIC PILOT

You don’t need to buy a satnav (satellite navigating system) for your car. Well, not if you are in Richard Stewart’s position. He sent me this:

I have a little satnav
It sits there in my car
A satnav is a driver’s friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little satnav
I’ve had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
“It’s 60 kays an hour,” it says
“And you’re doing seventy five”

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And – keeps me warm in bed!

Contact Stoep Talk: Fax: 011-465-4564
Write to: Box 876 Lonehill, 2062
e-mail: jcl@onwe.co.za