About Me | About My BlogRSS May 16 2012 at 11:15 First step is to check patient’s bloody pressure Last Friday was International Nurses’ Day and my secretary, Threnody Higginbottom (I call her Miss Smith), forgot to remind me. But at least one reader remembered – he calls himself Poppa Howard and is, I imagine, a pensioner who delights in sending amusing e-mails to any who are likely to appreciate them, like me. He has enabled me to mark Nurses’ Day with these answers to exam questions by trainee nurses. A nurse must scream around the bed before giving treatment. (It should have read “screen”.) The Kiss of Death can be practiced by any nurse in deserving cases. Before artificial respiration, tilt the patient’s head back until the tongue falls out. Nurses that are not qualified are not allowed to take bloody pressures. The needle should be driven into the tissue by an angel of about 45… and following this weight increase treatment the patient should be a little bugger in about a month’s time. A specimen of urine should be taken from all new patients, tested and then placed in the patients file. In a case of high temperature the patient’s four heads should be sponged. In a case of poisoning an anecdote should be urgently investigated. In cases of constipation, olive oil should be injected into the rectum. A nurse should follow this later with a mixture of soap and water. Dangerous drugs must be kept locked up with the ward sister. Talking of using anecdotes, Howard followed this list with some anecdotes. Husband, on telephone to a hospital: “Has my wife had the baby yet, nurse?” “Yes, sir, she had it about half an hour ago.” “Oh, splendid! Is it a girl or a boy?” “We don’t know yet, we are still trying to get it down off the curtain rail.” A doctor asked a patient: “Do you have problems with concentration since the accident?” The patient said: “Oh, no! I eat lots of prunes.” THE AUTOMATIC PILOT You don’t need to buy a satnav (satellite navigating system) for your car. Well, not if you are in Richard Stewart’s position. He sent me this: I have a little satnav It sits there in my car A satnav is a driver’s friend It tells you where you are I have a little satnav I’ve had it all my life It does more than the normal one My satnav is my wife It gives me full instructions On exactly how to drive “It’s 60 kays an hour,” it says “And you’re doing seventy five” It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake And tells me that it’s never ever Safe to overtake It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene I’m sure no other driver Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice It fills me up with counselling Each journey’s pretty fraught So why don’t I exchange it And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house Makes sure I’m properly fed It washes all my shirts and things And – keeps me warm in bed! Contact Stoep Talk: Fax: 011-465-4564 Write to: Box 876 Lonehill, 2062 e-mail: [email protected] Comment Guidelines Please read our comment guidelines. Login and register, if you haven’ t already. Write your comment in the block below and click (Post As) Has a comment offended you? Hover your mouse over the comment and wait until a small triangle appears on the right-hand side. Click triangle () and select "Flag as inappropriate". Our moderators will take action if need be.