Mall owner surprised at collapse
Jayawardene puts SL in control
Numsa wary of wage offer amendment
UASA accepts metal employers' wage deal
Earnings, overseas data lift US futures
Wendy Knowler fights for your rights...
Last Friday was International Nurses’ Day and my secretary, Threnody Higginbottom (I call her Miss Smith), forgot to remind me.
But at least one reader remembered – he calls himself Poppa Howard and is, I imagine, a pensioner who delights in sending amusing e-mails to any who are likely to appreciate them, like me.
He has enabled me to mark Nurses’ Day with these answers to exam questions by trainee nurses.
A nurse must scream around the bed before giving treatment. (It should have read “screen”.)
The Kiss of Death can be practiced by any nurse in deserving cases.
Before artificial respiration, tilt the patient’s head back until the tongue falls out.
Nurses that are not qualified are not allowed to take bloody pressures.
The needle should be driven into the tissue by an angel of about 45… and following this weight increase treatment the patient should be a little bugger in about a month’s time.
A specimen of urine should be taken from all new patients, tested and then placed in the patients file.
In a case of high temperature the patient’s four heads should be sponged.
In a case of poisoning an anecdote should be urgently investigated.
In cases of constipation, olive oil should be injected into the rectum.
A nurse should follow this later with a mixture of soap and water.
Dangerous drugs must be kept locked up with the ward sister.
Talking of using anecdotes, Howard followed this list with some anecdotes.
Husband, on telephone to a hospital: “Has my wife had the baby yet, nurse?”
“Yes, sir, she had it about half an hour ago.”
“Oh, splendid! Is it a girl or a boy?”
“We don’t know yet, we are still trying to get it down off the curtain rail.”
A doctor asked a patient: “Do you have problems with concentration since the accident?”
The patient said: “Oh, no! I eat lots of prunes.”
THE AUTOMATIC PILOT
You don’t need to buy a satnav (satellite navigating system) for your car. Well, not if you are in Richard Stewart’s position. He sent me this:
I have a little satnav
It sits there in my car
A satnav is a driver’s friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little satnav
I’ve had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
“It’s 60 kays an hour,” it says
“And you’re doing seventy five”
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And – keeps me warm in bed!
Contact Stoep Talk: Fax: 011-465-4564
Write to: Box 876 Lonehill, 2062
Whether you are a buyer or seller, wegotads is your online marketplace.
Buying a car has never been easy. Motoring.co.za contains a large database of car listings with a user friendly search.
Start searching today »
Join us on
Find out more about m.iol.co.za and personalise your phone with the latest downloads.
Make sure you find the best available airfares with our easy-to-use search engine.
Get your TV Highlights here
Get your Horoscopes here
You are here:
First step is to check patient’s bloody pressure
We like to make your life easier
Subscribe to one of our feeds and receive instant news.
Browse IOL on your phone at m.iol.co.za.
Subscribe to our newsletters. News delivered to your inbox!
TwitterJoin us now
FacebookJoin us now
Terms & Conditions
© Copyright 1999 - 2014 Independent Online, a division of Independent Newspapers (Pty) Limited. The copyright in the literary and artistic works contained in this online news publication and its other related and connected websites, as well as in the published editions of group newspapers, their supplements and any other content or material, belongs exclusively to Independent Newspapers (Pty) Limited unless otherwise stated.
The reproduction of any content or material contained in this online news publication and its other related websites as well as the published editions of group newspapers and their supplements is expressly reserved to the publisher, Independent Newspapers (Pty) Limited, under Section 12(7) of the Copyright Act of 1978. Reliance on the information contained in the online news publications and other related content published on this website is done at your own risk and subject to our “terms and conditions”. Independent Newspapers (Pty) Limited has committed itself to The Press Code of Professional Practice which prescribes that news must be reported in a truthful, accurate, fair and balanced manner. If we don't live up to the Press Code please contact The Press Ombudsman 2nd Floor, 7 St David’s Park, St David’s Place, Parktown, 2193 or PO Box 47221, Parklands 2121 or email firstname.lastname@example.org (www.ombudsman.org.za) or telephone 011 484 3612/8.