Readers as far east as Toowoomba in Queensland, Australia, and as far west as Montgomery Park have, over the years, been adding to Stoep Talk’s collection of puns.

Here’s one fresh from Fish Hoek. In fact, they don’t come fresher. It comes from Professor John  Earl, retired Wits geographer:

Inspector Dlamini, you can forget it. Just because one SA police station has decided to install an alarm system linked to a security firm doesn’t mean we all have to.

After all, our station has razor wire, an electric fence, burglar bars, floodlights, buzzers and our faithful Maltese, Bonzo – all generously paid for by our loyal taxpayers. I will not stretch their generosity further.

In these tetchy days when we all try so ludicrously hard not to offend each other – I am referring to all this “politically correct” nonsense – I stand amazed that airlines still retain “The Curtain”. (Rises from desk to stand amazed.)

It is surely the world’s most unsubtle class barrier. I speak of the curtain that separates first class or business class passengers from tourist class.

Standard Bank, 150 years old this year, has issued a colourful commemorative book about its past, present and future, and in one of its many side panels it mentions AB Hughes. AB was a humourist on the Rand Daily Mail long ago.

He wrote that Standard Bank was “a pillar of the establishment – you might say almost a branch of the Church of England” and how the doorman at the central branch was dressed like an admiral and how AB’s dad, as he entered the bank, would respectfully doff his hat.

Politicians, officials and business executives are wrecking the English language. Look how shamelessly they convolute phrases, especially when they are trying to fool all the people all the time.

I blame the Americans. It’s usually a pretty safe thing to do these days – unless you’re an oil-producing nation, then it’s best to shut up.