Consumer Watch

Wendy Knowler fights for your rights...

John Scott Masthead
April 17 2012 at 10:24

When President Robert Mugabe does eventually die, no one will believe it. In fact, he won’t even believe it himself.

Everyone will be expecting him to pop up again, in his shiny grey suit, accusing the media of yet another imperialist plot. And wherever he then finds himself, I have no doubt he will be plotting some sort of a comeback, especially if St Peter decides he is not heavenly material.

Each time he flies off to Singapore – and he did so eight times last year – there is speculation about his health.

But the air in Singapore must be wonderfully rejuvenating, because when he returns he is always, in his information minister’s words, “as fit as a fiddle”.

In an interview with Radio Zimbabwe on his 88th birthday in February, he actually said he had died many times, explaining: “That’s where I have beaten Christ. Christ died once and resurrected once. I have died and resurrected I don’t know how many times. I will die and resurrect.”

Naturally nobody believed him.

But I do.

I believe he does it each time he goes to Singapore.

Not in an Air Zimbabwe plane, by the way. The national airline has itself died through lack of funds, so the president flies off to be resurrected in an aircraft owned by some or other wealthy businessman keen to stay in his good books.

The curious thing is that while he himself readily admits he has repeatedly died, he gets very cross at suggestions that he is ill.

The news editor of the online website that reported Mugabe to be at death’s door, Tendai Matarutse, was fired.

Apparently the MDC cabinet minister who saw Mugabe collapse in Harare before flying out for his resurrection was suffering from an hallucination.

Now anyone who suggests the president is not in the pink of health is liable to suffer a sudden bout of ill-health themselves, courtesy of Zanu-PF.

Besides, more and more Zimbabweans no longer want him to die. It’s not like when Dr Verwoerd was assassinated and Private Eye ran a picture on its front cover showing hundreds of blacks leaping for joy with the caption: A NATION MOURNS.

There may be genuine mourning if and when Mugabe kicks the bucket because the aftermath is too ghastly to contemplate.

Yes, he has run the economy down to the ground, flouted human rights while thousands of opposition supporters have been tortured and murdered, undermined the judiciary and banned freedom of expression, including reports about his health.

And he is fast running out of white farms to give away to pals. He even gave one to Stephen Muzhingi, for winning his third consecutive Comrades Marathon last year.

But now he knows he dare not die, because if he does, civil war will break out between the supporters of Joyce Majuru, his deputy president, and Emmerson Mnangagwa, his minister of defence, both of whom want to take over what Mugabe’s left of the country, which admittedly isn’t much.

So multiple resurrections have become a necessity of life. And after that he may have to resort to cryonics, in the hope that he can be unfrozen in time to make a comeback.

If all else fails he can act as a national poltergeist and smash things up. It can’t do more harm than he’s already done in life.

 johnvscott@mweb.co.za

 

 

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I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 50.
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MistyLady
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 45.
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bon1bon
I'm a 35 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 29 and 40.
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Midcentury_girl
I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 40.
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I'm a 42 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 43.
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Sunshine_again
I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 52.
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Loubelle
I'm a 50 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 55.
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KW82
I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 29 and 40.
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Plattelandsenooi3
I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 33 and 45.
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khosyx
I'm a 20 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 21 and 30.
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JustChat76
I'm a 38 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
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newmemories
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
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MTBGirl_11
I'm a 42 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
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Bianx24
I'm a 24 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 30.
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FoXyLaDy444
I'm a 56 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 65.
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ContagiousLaughter
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 44.
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JayAnne
I'm a 56 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 56 and 70.
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MissSM
I'm a 31 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 29 and 39.
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I'm a 31 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
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Doeksa
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 33 and 39.
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Lise41
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 42 and 55.
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_Melanie_
I'm a 18 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 18 and 28.
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Smileawhile
I'm a 45 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 44.
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sonskyn27
I'm a 56 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
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Angdt
I'm a 21 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 23 and 30.
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Judith78
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 48.
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PowerPrincess
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 47.
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Kelix
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
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EMT2014
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 40.
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JillieB
I'm a 61 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 55 and 70.
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recently40
I'm a 40 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 27 and 58.
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Bebe1000
I'm a 53 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 49 and 57.
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optimistic_36
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 32 and 46.
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FaiRy9
I'm a 26 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 27 and 36.
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I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 38.
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LimitlessSoul
I'm a 45 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
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Lilakii
I'm a 21 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 23 and 31.
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shani27
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
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WandaLove
I'm a 19 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 22 and 26.
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dreamsoftly
I'm a 49 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 47 and 58.
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jamielief
I'm a 21 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 32.
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AgentI
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
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sexyhair
I'm a 42 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 50.
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LeilaM
I'm a 40 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 55.
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I'm a 51 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 60.
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I'm a 19 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 19 and 30.
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Foreverinhope
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 56.
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RobzMolecule
I'm a 24 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 22 and 30.
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I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 18 and 100.
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Lala8610
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 27 and 32.
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I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 42.
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I'm a 38 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
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I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 32 and 39.
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I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 31 and 39.
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I'm a 55 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 52 and 63.
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I'm a 27 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 35.
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Lady_143
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 40.
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I'm a 53 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 60.
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I'm a 21 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 18 and 100.
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JanieL
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I'm a 47 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 55.
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BlueSapphireGirl
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 46.
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Persephone101
I'm a 31 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 45.
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Jericho2010
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 49.
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I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 37 and 55.
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I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 57.
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I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 55.
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I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 70.
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I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 50.
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I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 48 and 56.
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umustbsomewhere
I'm a 61 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 55.
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I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
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I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
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I'm a 39 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
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I'm a 31 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 30.
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I'm a 26 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 34.
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I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 27 and 40.
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I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 20 and 55.
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I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
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I'm a 51 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 60.
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BobTheExtremeBuilder
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 47.
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freddic1
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 47 and 55.
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TheDuke_99
I'm a 36 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 42.
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I'm a 28 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 22 and 28.
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I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 55.
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LovingSerenity
I'm a 38 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 45.
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I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
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toothless
I'm a 36 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 36.
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BENTLEY292
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I'm a 65 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 58.
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I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 41 and 70.
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I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 34 and 49.
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I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 62.
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I'm a 31 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 59.
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Lastgreatwhite
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I'm a 51 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 41 and 60.
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I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 53.
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I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 42.
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ekke_706
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 55.
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Officer_Gentleman
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 48.
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Gambino_Family
I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 42 and 70.
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I'm a 55 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 47 and 56.
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I'm a 63 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 60.
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I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 63.
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JustCallMeBwana
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 49.
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pinsnow
I'm a 55 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 65.
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I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 55.
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Ironstein06
I'm a 36 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 37.
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TripleJ94
I'm a 20 year old man looking to meet men and women between the ages of 18 and 30.
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ScottRanger1987
I'm a 27 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 30.
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cornrlius205
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 50.
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I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 45.
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I'm a 58 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 55.
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I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 50.
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Agent_K1
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 38 and 40.
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sommies
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Jonathen53
I'm a 61 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 57 and 64.
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Rebelinbluejeans
I'm a 62 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 62.
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I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 58.
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I'm a 30 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 29.
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bellagio
I'm a 69 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 65.
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I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 44.
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I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 55.
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Natureboykie
I'm a 60 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 43 and 64.
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SingleNSearching60
I'm a 60 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 70.
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philip_unplugged514
I'm a 62 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 68.
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Ivanhoe25
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
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Kiwiana
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Firefox_771
I'm a 63 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 42 and 56.
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I'm a 53 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 50.
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I'm a 61 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 48 and 59.
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MLACOME0147
I'm a 55 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 79.
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goldenhat
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Fred58
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 100.
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gentlebutcrazy
I'm a 58 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 55.
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I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 65.
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I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 57.
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I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 100.
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matiekat
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LiveLifeAlways
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Kitchenslave
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mark99
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Andy_Leo
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
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richy10
I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 70.
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