Consumer Watch

Wendy Knowler fights for your rights...

John Scott Masthead
January 7 2014 at 09:54

Out of Africa something always new, and it’s happened again in Mpumalanga where the grannies and grandpas have discovered a new use for condoms.

The contraceptives relieve the pain in their knees. Apparently the gel does the trick.

Word has spread like wildfire and local clinics are being emptied of free condoms by the oldies, who then hobble home and rub their knees with them.

Doctors have urged the elderly to leave the condoms for young people who are sexually active, but old knees are being cured at such a rate that their owners may well resume sexual activity themselves.

It’s a bit like Viagra, for which other uses have also been found besides stiffening the resolve of male lovers. Various tests have shown that Viagra or its equivalent can be used to combat obesity, reduce pulmonary hypertension, treat altitude sickness, fight prostate cancer and keep cut flowers fresh.

Maybe that is why Israel’s defence ministry ordered supplies of Viagra for the country’s soldiers last year, to make them less pulmonary tense.

I can’t believe the government was actually trying to promote more sex in the armed forces. In World War ll, Allied troops were allegedly fed bromide to reduce their libido rather than increase it. The idea was to encourage them |to take out their frustrations on the |Germans.

But so far any unconventional use of condoms has had little to do with human health. Survivalists say they make good water containers in the wild, so long as you are careful not to puncture them. Come to think of it, you should be careful not to puncture them even when they contain what they are intended to contain.

My old friend and former colleague David Willers once forgot that. In an anti-Aids promotion, he attached a condom to every issue of the Natal Witness, the paper he edited, by stapling it to the front page. Every free condom therefore had two stapled holes in it.

Condoms also burn well, when you are trying to start a fire, though that’s no reason why every Boy Scout should be given a pack of them.

They have actually been used as balloons at children’s parties, and conjurors can twist them into a poodle dog. Soldiers have been known to cover the ends of their rifle barrels with them, to keep out the sand.

But it has taken the oldies of Mpumalanga to uncover a genuine alternative medical use for them.

I am just wondering whether a sample pack of three condoms sent to me by the manufacturer several years ago would have the same effect. They are called Black Executive, “for a man with style”, and are itemised as “black, chocolate flavoured”.

I’ve never had occasion to use |them myself, but kept them in case a friend ever asked: “You don’t know where I can get some black, chocolate-flavoured condoms, do you?”

No one did ask. Over the years, |however, I have developed a suspect left knee, which sometimes hurts when I am descending a mountain path. Would rubbing it with a chocolate-flavoured condom ease the pain?

I don’t know, and so far haven’t tried. It’s the thought of the chocolate that puts me off, mainly.

“What’s all that brown stuff on your knee, John?”

“It’s stuff out of a condom. It’s supposed to bring relief.”

“Kinky!”

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