Gasant Abarder finds out that Tannie Evita Bezuidenhout has opinions - and solutions - for all our qualms: from the beleaguered Springboks, the plummeting rand, Tim Noakes and the student protests.
There’s an excited group of executives in the Mount Nelson Hotel’s lobby area. I move closer to see what the fuss is about. Most of the managers are unsurprisingly men and they're listening intently.
It’s Tannie Evita Bezuidenhout holding court.
“Careful,” I say, “The media is here.”
There are nervous giggles all round, except from Tannie Evita who looks stately in an elegant dress and heels, not a hint of grey in her hair.
It took a lot to get this interview - chiefly having to listen to Pieter-Dirk Uys ramble on and on about himself so that I could get to Tannie! He clearly rides on Evita’s success.
“Ag, I’m so glad you gave him some attention. He’s so lonely out there because in a democracy there’s nothing to complain about, né?”
South Africans have been in for a rough time. But Tannie has the antidote. This week she has had young and old spellbound with her show, An Evening with Evita Bezuidenhout, which concludes on Sunday at Artscape.
As always, she isn’t shy to share her opinions, especially politics.
“It’s wonderful how people have created new words for old habits. In the old days we called state capture National Party policy. They say, the Guptas and R8 billion’... the National Party spent that over a weekend.
“So I keep saying to people I’ve been there. Ek kom van daai ou laager and I saw with my own eyes what can actually happen when the public looks the other way. And that’s the thing we must never do now.
“Thanks to Thuli (Madonsela), she has shown us you don’t look the other way. My friend said: O, my liewe aarde, every time I read every newspaper - except of course the Cape Argus which is always very optimistic - I feel like I have to run to the Australian High Commission to get a visa to go and live in Australia.’
“I say: Maar my gits, skattie, you can live in Australia and watch your Vietnamese neighbours eat your dogs! It is nonsense.’
“I must tell you something else, we forget that democracy will never be perfect. Everybody’s fingerprints are on that silver chalice of freedom so all these things can be expected. But the problem is if the top of the tree is rotten then the roots also go. We are sitting in a situation... aai die arme ou Jacob!”
Tannie Evita has opinions - and solutions - for all our qualms: from the beleaguered Springboks, the plummeting rand, Tim Noakes, the student protests and tips for aspiring first ladies.
She is as astute as ever in her golden years. And if we listen carefully, there is wisdom in every pearl she offers.
“I must tell you and let me be very clear: I am a member of the ANC. I am not allowed to speak on behalf of the party, I am not allowed to have anyopinions.
“I’m here in my personal capacity as a gogo and a citizen of South Africa.
“The rand is now a cent. Liewe aarde! It makes no sense! And the Springboks? It’s called service delivery: rugby teams must deliver and if there is rotten service delivery we must replace them with the people who can do the job. It doesn’t matter about colour. What about women being part of the Springbok rugby team, why must it always be men?
“A woman must just lift her T-shirt and all the men will fall over and then she can kick a goal, né? Take a hint from Donald Trump’s old notebook. I mean, daai ou skelmpie...
“But I am worried that symbols take over from common sense. Take the Cecil John Rhodes statue. In Darling in my little Perron, I’ve got Boerassic Park and these are places waiting for these statues.
“I’ve said to Mr Max Price (UCT vice-chancellor) and the people at Wits that they must send me the statues that the students don’t like.
“I don’t want those statues to be there to irritate the students. Who needs to look at a statue of Adolf Hitler in this day and age in Germany? They don’t have his statue there.
“But give me the statues because it’s part of history. Don’t destroy them. Put them into Boerassic Park with Jan van Riebeeck and Hendrik Verwoerd.
“I think there’s only one statue of Hendrik Verwoerd and that’s in Orania. It’s small. When Nelson Mandela stood next to it he looked down and said: I didn’t know he was so small!’ “
Tannie Evita is a veteran author of a number of books, including cookbooks like Bossie Sikelela and Kossie Sikelela.
She has noticed that another politician has released a tell-all book recently. When I mention Helen Zille’s Not Without A Fight, Tannie Evita raises her eyebrows and says: “Mamphela het so geskrik she lost her memory and didn’t know what she had promised. You must never kiss like that in public, especially powerful women. Dis baie gevaarlik.
“Good luck, Helen, you are standing in the queue in every bookshop because people don’t always want to read the truth. So if you tell the truth, you’re not going to sell too many copies.
“If you’ve added noughts for effect, you might get onto page 6 of one of the newspapers. If you prove that you are what you say, we will see you actually doing it in your job, né?
“She had a very good life. My liewe aarde, I never met her of course because anyone exposing the death of Steve Biko was a communist and a terrorist.
“I’ve always thought she was a good leader of a party. She was disciplined, she was an Angela Merkel, she was a Margaret Thatcher... not always necessary in this country.
“They said to me, why don’t you lead the party, and I said those days of madam-in-charge are over. I think the best thing she ever did was to actually step away from the leadership of the DA.
“I’ve got the book, it’s a very thick book and it’s in the car in case somebody hijacks me then I’ll throw the book at them. Dis ‘n doodgooi boek!”
But what to make of the Tannie’s beloved ANC? They’re misunderstood, says the Tannie, and there’s plenty to be optimistic about.
“People don’t do their homework. I think the biggest mistake we’re making here is we don’t know who our leaders are. Everybody says, O, Jacob Zuma ja ja...’.
“He’s a very clever man. He’s not a Western leader, he’s a Zulu chief, né. He’s a Dingaan, he’s a Shaka. They didn’t take public protectors seriously, hulle het hul geëet, né, literally gebraai... en Piet Retief, maar hy was net die pudding.
“I’m looking very forward to this occasion, an evening with Evita Bezuidenhout in Artscape. I look forward to the people who say to me wherever I am, O, Tannie Evita we can’t come to your Perron because we are too busy and it’s too far and our car has been stolen.’
“Now you can come to Artscape. On Sunday I have two shows and that is wonderful because families can come together. What I want to do is just present to them all the realities... make them feel in charge of the things that frighten them.
“My dear, dear Marlene le Roux (Artscape chief executive)... die pragtige Marlene, die slim Marlene... she is the right CEO there because sy vat nie nonsens van enige kabouters nie.
“And of course she’s brought theatre, opera and ballet and all those wonderful things for people who weren’t allowed in the place in the old South Africa.”
Tannie Evita has a recipe to bring the ANC National Executive Committee (NEC) into line. It’s all about eating right, connecting with the people and doing the right thing.
“I’m just an ordinary member of the African National Congress. But I will say to them, stick to my diet. It’s working and I’ve been doing it for a few months.
“It’s not banting en daai donner (Tim Noakes) is gedurend in my kombuis. I say do not come in here with the fat. It’s nonsense, nee wat, jou hart gaan staan met al daai braaivleis. Jy sien mos al die boere is dood.
“I have a very clever diet for the NEC but especially for the cabinet because if you look at a fat politician, you think of the thin voter, and the majority of voters are poorer and thinner than ever before.
“All Julius Malema has to do between now and the general election of 2019 is to promise the poor everything and anything and they will vote him into power democratically, mense.
“I look at Donald Trump and I’m grateful for Julius Malema, I must be honest. But do not underestimate the extreme cleverness of the EFF. Ek dink hulle is baie slim, cleverer than the other parties.”
“I would also say to the members of the NEC: Don’t follow the leader just because he pays your bills. You have got to stand up for what you believe in’.
“The reason I speak about all those things like HIV - and I didn’t want to talk about those things for years want ek was bang vir die goed - because when Thabo Mbeki said those things that HIV does not lead to Aids, everybody around him who knew better said nothing. And 380 000 people died, as my son De Kock tells me.
“To the NEC: Make yourself known to your constituents because people don’t know who is in the government.’
“And I say this more to the voters: Find out who you’ve put into power is delivering and if they don’t deliver, get their cellphone numbers and phone them at 3am for the next five years. Hou die donners wakker!’
“I’m in the ANC because I had to get to where the power is. The power is not in Parliament, it has become a DA parking garage or a playpen for the Teletubbies of the EFF.
“Luthuli House is the only power station that the ANC has built in the last 22 years. Ek is daar and let me tell you something, some people say Tannie Evita Bezuidenhout as a member of the ANC is like Angela Merkel as a credit bank manager.
“Of course, I know who the corrupt ones are and I send SMSes to people and say: Look, look, Guptas, oppas!’ There are thousands and thousands of members of the ANC who are not corrupt, who are not stealing. Most people I talk to have not thought about that.
“I say think about it because we are very lucky to be here. We could have been Syria, we could have been Libya. We are not, ons is nog hier.”
In her twilight years, Tannie Evita has many qualities our politicians can learn from. Being part of our country’s landscape for so long, she is keen to leave behind a lasting legacy.
“I hope they say that Tannie Evita Bezuidenhout went from one extreme to the other and she made the other as positive and as optimistic as the former one was negative and pessimistic. Tannie Evita stood up and showed that if the people lead, the government will follow.
“En sy het mooi bene.”
*Catch An Evening with Evita Bezuidenhout on Sunday at 3pm and 6.30pm at Artscape. Book at Computicket or call 021 421 7695.
** Gasant Abarder is the editor of the Cape Argus.
Cape Argus