Adam Small
Could I make our theme for today: etiquette. Abiding by the necessity for etiquette, I tread this ground warily, however: to pontificate on etiquette is facile when what is proposed to be proper, is also obvious!
The seriousness of the concept is something else. (By “etiquette” of course we mean good manners, but I sometimes speak of good or pleasing etiquette – a little overstated?)
Etiquette seems, like beauty, something “in the eye of the beholder”: what is etiquette for one may not be etiquette for another.
I write this in the wake of recent outings, accompanied by my wife. We are both small of physical stature (and I’m not punning on our surname).
Rosalie, of course, can add a “née” to her surname, whenever she wants. I can’t. I have become almost scared of presenting her to people on these visits: “May I introduce you to my wife?” Some people just do not have gracious etiquette – they stare one straight in the face: “Oh, she’s so tiny, the wind can blow her away”!
I recently also heard someone saying, having both of us in mind: Julle’s altweetjies so klein(“You’re both so very tiny”). I felt like responding sarcastically (though I prefer not to risk myself beyond humour): “Yes, and so tender!”
I’m addressing myself to our wide readership, but specifically to some people I have (unfortunately!) come to know: “Please, I beg you: this boy” – Paulo Coelho uses the word “boy” ad nauseam in The Alchemist. Anyway, I plead, “This boy, that’s me, is physically a small man, but grant him some spiritual stature in your thoughts! And do likewise for this little girl, my wife! Get your etiquette right!”
Etiquette has been defined as “a code of behaviour that helps people to get along with one another”. This is pleasing, if only people (some people) would take it seriously.
Cultural problems concerning etiquette are many. “Each culture,” says one source, “has its own system of etiquette, and these systems differ greatly … In Japan, for example, people take off their shoes before entering a house.
“But in the United States, guests would be considered impolite if they removed their shoes.” Another example: in some environments it is acceptable – even expected! – that a guest belches (burps) after lunch or dinner, since doing so would signify the food was wonderful. Elsewhere, however, such behaviour would be viewed as very bad manners.
Etiquette, like all things, has a history. To make survival possible, our forbears had to get into habits of doing things together peaceably: “For example, when two men met they shook hands to show that they were not carrying weapons.” The idea made good sense and, thank heaven, it came to them...
I read, and I am puzzled, that “royalty and the rich” in particular, have a respectful sense of etiquette. My view is different. “High and mighty” people often have faint respect for decency, and good etiquette flourishes instead among “ordinary” people, making life at ground level pleasantly bearable.
There are different kinds of etiquette: dating (courting) etiquette, plain table manners, motorcar (driving) etiquette, telephone etiquette … One that enters my mind might be called car-door etiquette! I have at times been looked askance at for opening a car door for my wife. Many men apparently couldn’t care about being helpful to a woman in this way. Many women themselves do not seem to mind!
And how ugly are certain people’s salutations! They crowd you in, in public or wherever, slap you on the back, smothering you with over-intimacy: “Hail fellow, well met!” – seeking out your cheek, your neck, whatever, for smooching. (Is this particularly true of women?) Surely, etiquette demands that, in greeting, a sober (if friendly) distance be kept in respect of the person you greet!
Copious writings on etiquette have been published. A primer on etiquette came out in ancient Egypt almost two-and-a-half-thousand years BC. The title of the book was The instruction of Ptah-hotep. The word “instruction” is important indeed in talk about etiquette, though it is wise to consider instructions with caution: a sound Afrikaans idiom tells me, “Moenie sommer alles vir soetkoek opeet nie” (Don’t just believe everything you’re told).
The word “etiquette” itself comes from a book by the Earl of Chesterfield in England about three-quarters through the eighteenth century. He wrote it as “letters to his son”, whom he thought needed advice on good manners! Other works emanated from Italy: A treatise on courtesy by Tommasino di Circlaria, around two-hundred AD; and the Book of the Courtier by Baldassare Castiglione, in the early sixteenth century.
Where do we stand today? We haven’t done badly, having been in business as “modern people” for a long time. We have brought about a “civilisation” in which we even differ from one another with fair poise! And, for the moment, we have had only two big wars (a third seemingly not imminent). The many lesser wars are saddening, of course.
By way of interlude: As I write, the stray cat in the yard is walking up to me, obviously seeking me out. For a moment I wonder: What is etiquette here now – to be accommodating (like even the Church to stray people nowadays), and show this quite ordinary black cat (no Siamese!) some love – a stroking of its fur? The world certainly wouldn’t end, if I did so …
Death, too, is on my list of consideration concerning etiquette. What is etiquette in the face of death? First of all, it is acceptable to cry, like I did when my parents died. But, immediately, things of down-to-earth practicality are called for: respect for the dead body requires businesslike action. I recall the early morning my father died, and the night of my mother’s death – and the sad intrusion on my thought that they had died, now, too soon for me to be able to tell them that Apartheid was a thing of the past (for it soon had to be)! In any case, their bodies were taken away, with etiquette.
As for literature, Mark Antony’s oration at Caesar’s death was a matter of etiquette: it fended for the dead, yet did not offend the offender (too much)! It was over-cautious insofar as it was mindful of praises required, yet also of succour needed by those guilty of offences in life.
Dylan Thomas’s “Rage, rage against the dying of the light” is another example of etiquette: the words are respectful of death, but also question the confrontation of it.
Japanese poet Jun Takami asks, “At the boundary of life and death, what exists?”, suggesting that etiquette in respect of death, is silence.
Another Japanese poet, Takamura, records children’s reaction to the killing of a frog: when the frog died, “a circle of children raised their hands”. This was not a sign of satisfaction, but one of sadness (and correct etiquette).
Finally, WH Auden’s compassionate lines in the face of death are words of etiquette: “Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, bring out the coffin, let the mourners come”. Auden acknowledges death, but also tries to soften talk of it.
In the end, whatever people make of one – as far as bodily physique is concerned, or even as regards one’s (unpopular) critical mind – what counts is faith: of oneself in oneself. This remains untouched by frivolity and the meanness of fellow-persons (which unfortunately exists).
Final matters I think of, for now, requiring proper etiquette, are: firstly, an unjudgemental allowance of freedom; and, secondly, forgiveness.
As far as this allowance of freedom is concerned, I note the words of Matthew, Chapter 7:
Judge not …
for with what judgement ye judge,
ye shall be judged …
And why beholdest thou
the mote that is in thy brother’s eye,
but considerest not the beam
that is in thine own eye?
Regarding forgiveness: Jesus must have been its most outstanding exemplar ever, to the extent even that, in direst pain, he pardoned His accusers and crucifiers: “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”