Though the western world is collectively saying its safe word and waiting for the whole Fifty Shades … thing to stop, I beg your patience for one more crack of the whip because this column has the story they all wanted - an exclusive interview with Elsie Steel, the entirely fictitious octogenarian behind the blog-novel and Twitter account Fifty Shades of Gran.
It began at the end of last month with a tweet that read: “She slowly licked her lips, slowly undid the buttons of her blouse and slowly lay back on the bed. She did everything slowly, she was 86,” and it has got better since then. With nearly 24,000 followers and chapter two out today, “Elsie” took time out from her busy schedule to answer a few questions.
Have you seen the film yet, Elsie? “Yes. I saw it with my best friend Jean the other morning at a special pensioners' preview. I've never seen so much gratuitous nudity and lewd behaviour in all my life. And the film wasn't much better.”
Did you know about S&M before this phenomenon? “In my younger days, it was the place I bought my big pants,” she says. “But now I know it means sciatica and Midsomer Murders.”
Who would be your dream Christian Grey? “Well I'm partial to a younger gentleman, so somebody like Bruce Forsyth.”
The second chapter of your book is published today, how many are you planning and how does it feel to find fame in your eighties? “At my age, every paragraph is a bonus. But I must say all this attention is rather nice. As Andy Williams said: 'One day everybody will be famous for 15 minutes.' I only hope I last that long.”
Name that tuna
It started last month when Zoe Butler, a 28-year-old woman from Nottingham, opened up a can of Prince's tuna chunks and found a tiny purple thing with black beady eyes looking back at her.
As the photograph of Butler's discovery started doing the rounds, the incident became known on social media as #tunagate and before long everyone had a theory on what the creature actually was.
And talking of exciting food discoveries, two just-published scientific studies have answered the questions that everyone wanted answered: namely, why popcorn (right) pops and, more crucially, how many licks it takes to get to the end of a lollipop.
I kid you not. Last Wednesday, French “investigative engineers” Emmanuel Virot and Alexandre Ponomarenko published their incredible finding that when the temperature gauge hits 100 degrees Celsius, some of the moisture inside the corn starts to turn into steam and, well, the outer shell can then no longer stand the pressure. So pop!
No rhyme or reason
Another in a regular series of limericks based on recent events:
Though intended to make us all think,
It created a bit of a stink,
So to kick up a fuss,
Say your van is a bus,
And paint it a bright shade of pink.
The Independent on Sunday