I need advice from JZ...

INLSA

Picture: Itumeleng English

My thanks to one of my ardent readers and letter-writers, Ashwin Singh, who last week took me to task for giving readers a bum deal, saying my columns are becoming too much of a family affair.

He does, on the other hand, call me a brilliant journalist whose wit, knowledge and humour are needed. Well, thank you, kind sir... talk about a mixed review!

Just another week in the life of a lowly columnist, meaning that you can only please some of the readers some of the time, and that there are many occasions where readers are either bored, amused, gripped or totally put off by what you write.

There are times when I am stopped at supermarkets by perfect strangers saying how much they enjoy what I write, and many with children have identified with my ongoing financial struggles in trying to bring up my two darlings plus deal with life’s curve balls.

Others, however, have SMSed in and said what I write is silly, or even worse.

And this is what it should be like. Who wants to be neutral?

However, today I just want to inform Mr Singh and other readers that I am totally peed off. Why?

On picking up a Sunday newspaper I was confronted with the blaring headlines: Zuma to marry – again!

I nearly fell into my bowl of porridge on reading this, for, as everyone knows, yours truly is an expert on women and marriage and, having had three wives, I am upset JZ is going to overtake me.

However, on closer inspection of the article, I realised, of course, that besides wife No 4, he did have two previous wives – the Home Affairs Minister and former Health Minister Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma.

Zuma, of course, had another wife, Kate, who committed suicide, bringing his grand total up to six.

I was also thrilled to read JZ has a liking for two of my favourite TV shows

According to two of his daughters, he loves Mr Bean and Fawlty Towers, starring the hilarious John Cleese.

That could get JZ my vote, and if only he comes out and says he loves Chelsea Football Club plus my favourite red wine (too many to mention), I might even don the colours of the ANC and head for Mangaung come December.

So that leaves me trailing in the marriage stakes and, while family and friends are happy with my bachelor status, I must say that I am not anti-marriage or committed relationships.

Hell, I could write a book on relationships and have often thought that when I am done with the Daily News I am going to be a family therapist, a kind of Dr Phil or even Dr Eve, our locally-based sex therapist who espouses some great advice and was once a regular on East Coast Radio.

There’s money and fame to be had giving advice to couples whose relationships are strained for the usual reasons – infidelity, boredom, lack of sexual attraction, financial problems, lack of understanding, blah, blah.

Reading the back page of the Daily News or listening to East Coast Radio, I am constantly bombarded by advice and products being offered to men (and women) to revive their libido.

Just pop a pill and off you go.

But we are not talking about the common ED (no, it does not stand for editor, but erectile dysfunction), or pills like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra.

No, these are herbal and natural products like Ginseng, Yohimbe and Horny Goat Weed, many of them found by the Chinese. Horny goat weed? Now there’s a name to conjure with.

But it’s good to talk and read and listen to all this sex advice. When my generation was growing up, all this was taboo, and even buying a condom was embarrassing – if you could find one!

Now they are everywhere... just like sex, love and marriage.

I really think JZ and I should have a good talk about my love life and the secret of finding a new bride.

Mind you, with my depleted bank balance, how would I pay the lobolo?