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Beach please! Baywatch sucks!

Entertainment

Baywatch follows devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon (Johnson) as he butts heads with a brash new recruit (Efron). Together, they uncover a local criminal plot that threatens the future of the Bay.

This year is turning out be one of those where for every good movie there seems to two horrible ones. 

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Dwayne Johnson as Mitch Buchannon, left, and Zac Efron as Matt Brody in Baywatch. Picture: Frank Masi/Paramount Pictures via AP

The best way I can describe Baywatch is when you have triple cheese pizza, and sprinkle parmesan on top, then add a cheese stuffed crust. That’s how cheesy this film is. If you've ever had too much cheese you know it makes you sick. This is exactly what Baywatch does: it made me feel sick.

The original show at least took itself seriously, this unfunny mess though is anything but fun. From the weird characterisation to the over the top plot, to Priyanka essentially playing a 1960’s Bond villain, to the obnoxious musical score. 

Everything in this movie is a miss. The fact that Mr Charming himself Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson couldn’t save this mess is telling.

The cast of Baywatch. Picture: Paramount

Johnson and Efron try their best but the script is disastrous. None of the characters makes logical choices and most of the jokes fall flat – I mean silence at a comic show flat. I have no idea why director Seth Gordon made the choices he did. 

I was expecting this film to be a 21 Jump Street type film – where the film is funny as hell and throws a wink and nod to the original, but still is an enjoyable film by itself. 

Baywatch on the other makes a reference to the original series every 10 minutes and the cameos by David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson are throwaways.

The physical comedy in this film is fart jokes that not even a 12-year-old would find funny. Efron’s character is an utterly dim-witted jock but managed to hook up with a marine biologist. 

Nothing makes any sense ever in this film. One thing that really bugged me was the fact that Ilfenesh Hadera’s character, the black girl, has a full face of makeup on the whole time. 

Please explain to me how a LIFEGUARD can wear a full beat and not even have a lash out of place while swimming and running.

This film had the potential to be good counter-programming to the other movies at the box office currently. You have The Rock’s charm, Zac Efron and Priyanka Chopra with their good looks and a premise that could have made it a surprise hit. Instead, all we get is slap dash cheese fest that should be avoided at all costs.

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