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By Kevin McCallum
What about Andre Agassi telling all, then? The crystal meth I kind of understand, wearing wigs I kind of understand - but dating Barbara Streisand? You'd need a ton of crystal meth to do that. You'd need a case of Cristal Champagne to wear a wig that looks like a mullet, come to think of it.
And if you're going to take drugs, why chose a skanky drug like crystal meth? Surely cocaine is much sexier? Heck, even Joost van der Westhuizen didn?t do crystal meth; even he, the man with the holes in his broeks, had enough sense of style (although only just) to make sure he snorted cat.
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Gosh, I am tired of talking about Joost, even if Joost is not tired of talking about Joost. Even, heck, even Joost's wife is not tired of talking about Joost.
| It's what we in the media world like to call 'having some dignity' |
Here's a tip, Amor, if you are so hurt by the media intruding in your life, don't go on the radio and start crying about the "million deaths" you are going through. It's what we in the media world like to call "having some dignity". By airing your pain on the airwaves you're just increasing the hype around yourself and Joost... oh, hang on a second, now I get it...
Thankfully, though, at least you never said Joost was for the high jump over this because we now know that Joost was actually for the high jumper. Charmaine Gale has admitted she had an affair with the former scrumhalf, which is the biggest "no s**t Sherlock" moment since Joost admitted that it was him snorting kittens and getting caught coming in the wrong side of a lapdance.
Agassi is no Joost, though, save for the ability to tell really big fibs. I never really liked Agassi in his younger days. There was something about those denim shorts, that Bon Jovi mullet and alliterative name that freaked me out. I was freaked out even more when he held Streisand's hand in public.
I know "Cougars" are the in thing around town (Jenny Crwys-Williams has renamed the area around Bryanston, Sandton and Fourways the Cougar National Park) but even 15 years ago Streisand was not so much feline as she was ferret. They looked quite the most ridiculous couple and it may have contributed to costing him his long-term partnership with trainer Nick Bollettieri.
"Since bizarre behavior and Zen moments seem to be his touchstones, it doesn't come as a great surprise that Andre Agassi, in a polar twist on the usual severance methods for coach-player associations, was fired yesterday by his longtime mentor, Nick Bollettieri," wrote the New York Times in 1993.
| His admission that he "hated tennis" jars |
Admitting that he was on the crystal meth, though, was a shock, even if he had tested positive for the drug at the time. Then he lied to the ATP, waited the correct amount of time so that any prosecution or action could not be taken against him and released an autobiography.
The question is obvious: Why? Not why did he take crystal meth because he was anxious about his upcoming marriage to Brooke Shields (yeah, dude, getting hitched to the girl from the Blue Lagoon and those Calvin Klein jean ads is sooooo stressful. Hmmm, I wonder if he got her to say the line: "Nothing comes between me and my Calvin Kleins". Still gives me goosebumps).
But why has he released this book now? What, exactly, does he want from it? He's stinking rich, he's married to Steffi Graf (broke my heart, that did) and he's in good health.
Does he want our sympathy? Does he want us to tell him it's all okay? That we understand why he took the drugs, because getting to sleep with Brooke Shields made him a little flakey?
His admission that he "hated tennis" jars, particularly when he earned more than $30-million from the sport and milked the crowds at the US Open and Wimbledon bowing to all four corners of the stadium, blowing kisses and then crying.
Perhaps he's in therapy and this is the last big step in his treatment/confession, sympathy and a "there, there Andre, it'll be okay". Or perhaps he has admitted to taking drugs to explain just why he went out with Barbara Streisand. He wasn't in his right mind.
Yeah, that sounds about right, actually.
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