1953 mom model’s perfect for today

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MAMA: Move over Supermom, here comes Good-enough Mom, the woman who does not try to be a perfect mother. Instead, she is herself, and that means theres more to her than goo-goo-gooing 24/7. Picture: Newscom

Workplace Staff

Lets face it, even if they deny it, many women and men are still stuck on the “supermom” idea – a mother who juggles career, household, children and family responsibilities perfectly. With Mother’s Day on Sunday, an educator from the SA College of Applied Psychology (Sacap) points out that this shouldn’t be the case.

“Being good enough is enough,” says Sacap educator and social worker Lisa Marcow.

She points to the theory of Dr Donald Winnicott, a paediatrician who introduced the “good-enough mother” concept in 1953, a model that is still relevant today. Winnicott said a good-enough mother was better than a perfect mother.

he theorised that children need to realise that a mother is neither good nor bad nor the product of illusion, but is a separate and independent entity.

According to Winnicott: “The good-enough mother… starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds, she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure. Her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps the child to adapt to external realities.”

Teryl Schroenn

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One of the main challenges in mothering today is to meet the objective of “good enough”.

“Many mothers feel that they need to be all things to all people,” explains Marcow. “Then, when unable to meet these unrealistic demands, they feel insecure in their abilities as mothers. This can result in feelings of guilt, stress, incompetence, hopelessness and other debilitating emotions. ‘Supermom’ is an unrealistic notion and creates unrealistic demands and expectations.”

However, there are real reasons that drive mothers to achieve this impossible ideal.

Carl Jung, psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology, refers to the archetype, or model, of “mother” in our collective unconscious.

“Mother” is our first experience in the world at our most impressionable. In early life, it’s the mother who takes care of our every need and guides our growth. This represents an idealistic “mother” who is all-nurturing, always available, offers unconditional acceptance and is selfless. It is unattainable. Yet it’s the very image that many mothers measure themselves against.

There is also the perceived traditional role that women have played in families: mother and wife. Looking back to the 1950s and 1960s, the nuclear family was the most popular type of family. It comprised a mother, father and their children. This is viewed as the “old” traditional family. Dad worked. Mom kept the home and raised the children.

The concept of family has changed considerably. Now families occur in many different and changing forms over a lifetime. From parenting out of wedlock to marriage, divorce, remarriage, reconstituted families with step- and half-children, and so on.

“In fact, you could even argue that in today’s society, the nuclear family is the exception rather than the rule,” says Marcow.

“Importantly, the days where most mothers stayed at home and exclusively cared for the family and the home are long gone.”

This change has brought a shift in focus on a mother as an individual with needs of her own. As times and families transform, so mothers adjust to meet new roles.

“This evolving role should not be seen as a bad change, but one that promotes healthy, happier lifestyles for all family members,” says Marcow.

“Today a mother shouldn’t be afraid to communicate what’s on her mind. If mom is not okay, she may be of no benefit to her family. Mothers need to take care of themselves as a priority and to put themselves first sometimes.”

Marcow believes communication is an essential tool for mothers in today’s world – a mother can’t make sure that her family are functioning okay if there is a breakdown in communication.

This includes the importance of non-verbal communication and being able to match what you say with how you say it, speaking the language of “I” rather than “You”, active listening and empathy, and managing conflict.

“In an ideal world, we should be thanking mom every day and reinforcing the importance of this all-encompassing role,” says Marcow

Though Mother’s Day is ever more commercial, Marcow believes celebrating the day remains significant.

Whether you send gifts of love or hand-made tokens, pick up the phone or give mom a hug or kiss, or a well-deserved day off, the message is the same.

It should make mom feel special and validated and let her know that you know she is doing her best, and she is good enough.

l For more information on the SA College of Applied Psychology, visit www.sacap.edu.za, call 0860 771 111 or e-mail info@sacap.edu.za