Appreciating modern moms

Published May 9, 2009

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By Omeshnie Naidoo

Bluff mom Bronwynne Anderson, 43, has two children; Kealan, 16, and Nikita, 13. She lectures in the Gender Studies Department at the University of KwaZulu-Natal and is a full-time PhD student.

In between lectures she works from home, finding the time to cook and run errands in the day.

While her teenage children are gladly independent and responsible when it comes to school, Anderson's concern is for the kind of adults she will raise.

"We've had many tragic deaths in our family. My brother committed suicide, my mom passed away in London, a nephew was murdered and then another committed suicide in the space of four years.

"These deaths and the many others I've experienced in the community I come from have affected me to the extent that my PhD is based on masculinity in the coloured community.

"It has also made me fearful for my son and how he forms his identity. I don't want him to conform to the stereotypical male images in the coloured community. I know that I can't impose my fears on him because he will simply rebel but that as a parent I can guide him.

"I've encouraged him not to be a follower and succumb to peer pressure but rather to be a trendsetter. I want him to have strong roots and a strong sense of family, but I am nervous of him joining cliques as boys do at this age. So far he's made good choices," she says.

Anderson adds that her work has played a big role in her "healing".

She says when it comes to her daughter, she is most proud of the close relationship they have.

"When I was growing up there was no communication in our home. My mom worked and I guess her focus was on survival and providing for us.

"With my children I try to ensure that we talk about everything."

My daughter loves to help in the kitchen and be around me which allows us many conversations. They know there is nothing they cannot approach me with."

Of motherhood, she says: "It is important as a mother to be reassuring, to be there, to always show love and never be judgmental."

- Ithala marketing executive Palesa Mabaso, 32, of Sherwood has four children - Solami, 12, Nelisa, 3, Lulama, 18 months and stepson Khetha, 15. She's up at about 4.30am every day to get to the gym and back before the children are up. Solami gets ready for school, Nelisa for creche and little Lulama stays behind with the family's live-in helper before Palesa heads off to her high-paced job.

"I'm not supermom," she says.

"I often work late and sleep little. Lulama is about to hit the terrible twos and Nelisa is potty training - which means getting up twice during my six hours of sleep.

"I need help. My husband is wonderful, but we also have a helper who knows about balanced meals and is good with the children. If I need a free day my mom-in-law is obliging."

Mabaso says: "Women who think they can do it all by themselves are wrong. What you need is a strong support system.

"I think it's sad when you see a woman with a nice husband, beautiful children and she's just let herself go. I value myself and I value my relationship with my husband, so I find that time. That way there isn't the resentment some women have towards their children."

She says she has tried to be a stay-at-home mom.

"For two years the only conversation I had was kid conversation and the feeling that I was being left behind. Now as a working mom, the feeling is guilt.

"Like when it's hat day at school and it's only when you are dropping them off that you realise something is different about all the other children, or when they cry on Monday mornings after they've spent the entire weekend with you."

She is adamant though that working moms should not take their problems to the office.

"Despite the empathy your bosses may have, at the end of the day you are hired for a purpose and I don't think you should make your problems the company's problems. Emergencies are emergencies, but not if they happen every day. I plan ahead. We have a lift club to get the children to school or crèche on time and it's within walking distance for our helper to fetch them, if there is a problem."

Mabaso says: "I don't subscribe to Mothers' Day. We are mentors, disciplinarians, comforters - people must recognise that we are mothers every day."

- 'Routine is key," says East Coast Radio customer relations manager Hazel Pillay. The 41-year-old of Bakerville Gardens in Durban is the mother of Dominique, 14, and Cody, 12. Like all the other women we spoke to Pillay said she and her husband worked as a team to ensure that school days were chaos free.

Pillay says: "The boys pack their bags, homework books and necessary sporting gear the night before school as they understand there isn't any time to go looking for things in the morning.

"We keep all the timetables on the fridge and the boys have learnt from an early age to be organised. As working parents it's important that our children understand their responsibilities and that we all work as a unit."

Because she and her family do not eat pork or beef and are not big on takeaways, Pillay says she cooks dinner every evening while her husband gladly handles the children's homework.

Pillay is concerned her teenagers will be raised to be "spoiled".

"The boys polish their own school shoes on a Sunday and wash the car that gets them to school. They have set chores and we don't believe in just handing out cash. Their allowance is strictly on an incentive basis.

"We don't want to have spoiled children, however, we believe in rewards and that's what good school reports are all about," she says.

"We're blessed that our boys don't care about brands.

"My dad instilled strong values in me and I understood from an early age that nothing is achieved without hard work. This is how I want to raise my sons."

"As children they do often ask challenging questions. I try to answer honestly.

"I've always had a strong intuition and that's something I try to give to them. I want them to have an innate sense of right and wrong."

Guilt kicks in the moment you give birth, jokes public relations consultant Sharlene Versfeld. The 44-year-old Glenwood mother of Jessica Lily, 6, and Matthew, 2, says she thinks it's about wanting to be there all the time.

"I think it's hard for us as mothers to "leave" our children and that many women in so doing, prevent their partners from participating.

"Of course there is also the crowd who hear you are out in the evening as work requires and ask if your husband is babysitting. My husband's smug response is that he is parenting. We must recognise that traditional roles are changing," says Versfeld.

Another point she makes is that whether you have fixed hours, flexible time or work from home, you are still a working mother.

"Working from home is no consolation for my children.

"If anything it's a little harder for them, because they have to understand that although I am here I am not accessible to them," she says.

"Work is stressful, time consuming and deadline driven. When you work from home it's hard not to let it interfere which is why I set times and am usually out of my office by 4.30pm."

Versfeld, who has structured her days so that she can walk to school to fetch the children and have lunch with them at midday, says the only way to deal with the guilt is to make quality time - to do puzzles, read stories or colour-in together.

"We also sit around the table at meals, which makes for conversational time."

Versfeld says as a mother she hopes that her legacy to her children will not be material, that in the time they have spent together she has taught them something. "To change a tyre or grow a vegetable - to be self sufficient."

"We also want to equip them for the world. Our helper for example, interacts with them in Zulu, which is valuable in our society."

Versfeld says after watching the film What would Jesus Buy she declared to her family that she did not want gifts on Mothers' Day but for them to think of other ways to appreciate her.

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