We’ve all probably had that one friend we are not quite sure about, yet is still a part of your circle of friends.
He/she is that strange one that sometimes advocates for you, likes you or even smiles at you, even if they don’t seem to actually help you achieve your goals.
They might make you feel they are really on your team, yet will not hesitate to throw you “under the bus” for their own agenda.
And it’s not like your life depends on whether you are friends with them, yet you still want them there.
READ: She's your bestie - but with boundaries
Why can’t we let go of this toxic friend who clearly brings us more drama than joy?
Durban clinical psychologist, Rizwana Ahmed, described this type of person as a “frenemy”.
Rizwana Ahmed
“Guilt, loyalty and history, is what most people will say but no matter the explanation, we tend to give frenemies a long relationship leash because of a social psychology phenomenon called cognitive-dissonance.
This refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviours and produces a feeling of discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs or behaviours to reduce the discomfort and restore balance. We are biased towards thinking that our choices are correct. This extends to choosing our friends as well.
So, when friends become toxic to your well-being, you may explain away their bad behaviour to justify why you chose them as a friend in the first place.
To avoid facing that a friend is perhaps a “frenemy”, you may excuse the behaviour as more to do with outside pressures than a characteristic of the person.
Or perhaps, and even worse, you may deny, completely, that the “friend” is mean-spirited and undermining of you,” she says.
Ahmed says,“frenemies” can look like good friends and are difficult to spot at first.
They tend to have an attacker mindset and wouldn’t think twice, to get ahead in life, about hurting you in the process, without thinking of your feelings.
“They say supportive things and pretend to be there for you, but also throw negative energy and hurtful remarks into the mix.
"You might spend a day with them laughing for the most part, but then stopping a time or two to understand why they said a few things that were so rude."
A friend who seems to be insincere can leave you confused and wondering if you’re being too critical as your first clue that someone is a "frenemy" may be nothing more than a feeling.
They tend to have an “attacker mindset”. This is when one feels out of control of one’s own life and therefore chooses to control someone or something else in order to feel powerful again.
“Attacks may be verbal, mental or emotional. The intention of a “frenemy” is to wear down your self-esteem and instil doubt in areas where you previously exuded confidence.
In turn, the frenemies' sense of self worth is bolstered by their perception of control over you,” says Ahmed.
She suggests if you keep a frenemy one should, stay away from talking about yourself, family, feelings and opinions. Excuse yourself when the topic turns to gossip or change the subject and don’t gossip about others as it could come back to bite you.
However, the up side to a frenemy is when it comes to the workplace and it can be beneficial.
“Not surprisingly, most research to date has focused on the negative aspects of this kind of relationship, but some emerging findings are suggesting the opposite when it comes to the workplace, specifically, that having an office rival may make you better at your job.
At a quick glance, it may seem like these people are constantly stressing you out, but in reality, they’re probably pushing you to do your job better.
The unspoken competition between the two of you keeps you on your toes and refuses to let you grow complacent. You’re more motivated to work harder to establish your position,” explained Ahmed.
If you've just realised that you have a frenemy Ahmed's advice is examine the friendship before putting an end to it.
“No matter how old we are, it’s never easy to end a friendship.
Examine the friendship for its place in your life. Examine your discomfort with this friend. Be present to your discomfort so that you know the extent to which it is hurting you.
Remember, a friendship is a bond of mutual affection between you and another person. If that bond has turned from affection to animosity, you are no longer technically defined as friends.
Replace justifications for keeping the friendship, like guilt, loyalty and history with what the relationship actually is.
This may mean talking to them about the relationship problem, with the hope of making it better. If the person acknowledges their behaviour, apologises, and makes an effort to change, then the friendship is worth salvaging.
If it becomes draining and their behaviour continues, it might be time to let go and move on,” she said.