Durban - A recent issue of Keeping up with ADHD, the newsletter of the Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Support group of Southern Africa, has this advice on praise and encouragement:
Encouragement and praise might at first glance seem like the same thing, but they are actually very different.
Praise
Praise is usually linked to the result rather than effort, for example “Your project was the best ever – it’s brilliant!” Praise is usually only given to very capable children – those with ADHD are far less likely to receive it.
Too much praise can stunt confidence and discourage learning. Excessive praise often loses meaning, and loses its force. When everything is wonderful, then nothing is…
The hidden message in praise is that children are only worthwhile when they do what is wanted from them.
Praise is also judgemental, and children who are frequently praised feel frequently judged. This works against them developing their own judgements.
Praise usually creates a dependence on adult approval. All the child learns from typical praise is how best to please adults. Possible results are that they learn to measure their worth by their ability to conform. In some cases they rebel instead.
Encouragement
All children can benefit from encouragement, which focuses on the effort rather than the results. For example, “I can see that you put a lot of work into this – well done!”
Most of us can recall teachers who used praise that meant much more than just compliments.
The message that encouragement sends to the child is that people trust him to become responsible and independent. Possible results include children learning the courage to be imperfect. They are more likely to develop self-confidence and learn to feel responsible for their own behaviour.
Dr John Taylor, a US child psychologist, gives this advice.
Here’s how to build children’s self-esteem while challenging them to reach their potential:
Encouragement is more than just words
Words are just one of many different things giving clues of the underlying attitude of a person who is encouraging another. Their tone of voice, their actions, opinions, as well as their psychological atmosphere give further clues. All these things affect the spoken word, with the result that the message can be either encouraging or discouraging – even though the same words have been used.
Encouragement is not a gimmick
There is nothing sneaky, tricky, or phony about it. Encouragement is more like “food” than “medicine”.
A steady “diet” of encouragement over a long enough period of time will strengthen the child (or adult) and help them cope better during stress. They would also be less likely to lose self-esteem under stress.
Encouragement involves a balance between independence and dependence
It involves recognising both the child and the adult’s autonomy and their belongingness – their magnificence and their frailty.
Encouraging actions and statements can be combined
A combination of encouraging actions and statements “bathes” children in encouraging influences.
Encouragement is love
Encouragement helps children feel good about themselves and others. Self-love and love of others are forms of the same love-energy.
People who experience encouragement can learn to encourage themselves. They evaluate themselves and their progress; and depend less on feedback from others.
When encouraging words can be discouraging
In some situations, encouraging phrases could stifle feelings and block communications, making these words discouraging.
The way to deal with this would be to give:
(a) An opportunity for feelings to be aired.
(b) Empathy and asking “… and then?”
Encouragement is contrary to many roles and traditions in our society
Our society is generally highly discouraging.
* Information adapted from an article titled Encouragement – Some Points to Remember.
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