How Father-Love Is Different From Mother-Love and Why It Matters
Mothers and fathers parent differently, and this difference is a big benefit for children.
Fatherhood is just as essential to healthy child development as motherhood. The professional journal, Review of General Psychology, finds that evidence suggests that the influence of father love on offspring's development is as great as and occasionally greater than the influence of mother love.
Fathering expert Dr Kyle Pruett explains in Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is As Essential As Mother Care For Your Child, "Fathers do not mother." Psychology Today states that, "Fatherhood turns out to be a complex and unique phenomenon with huge consequences for the emotional and intellectual growth of children." Erik Erikson, a pioneer in the world of child psychology, explained that father love and mother love are qualitatively different kinds of love. Fathers "love more dangerously", Erikson states, because their love is more "expectant, more instrumental than a mother's love".
A father, as a male biological parent, brings unique contributions to the job of parenting a child that no one else can provide.
These are some of the most compelling ways father involvement makes a unique and positive difference in a child's life:
- Fathers Parent Differently
The mother/father difference provides an important diversity of experiences for children. Dr Pruett explains that fathers have a distinct style of communication and interaction with children. By eight weeks of age, infants can tell the difference between their mother or father in interactions.
This diversity, in itself, provides children with a broader, richer experience of contrasting relational interactions, more so than for children who are raised by only one parent. Whether they realise it or not, children are learning at an early age, through experience, that men and women are different and have different ways of dealing with life, other adults, and children.
- Fathers Play Differently
While mothers and fathers are both physical with their children, fathers are typically physical in different ways. Fathers tend to play with their children, and mothers tend to care for them. Generally speaking, fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their children in the air (while mothers warn "Not so high!"). Fathers chase their children, sometimes as playful, scary "monsters". Fathers are louder at play, while mothers are quieter. Mothers cuddle babies, and fathers bounce them. Fathers are rough, while mothers are gentle. Fathers encourage competition; mothers encourage equity. Fathers encourage independence while mothers encourage security.
Fathering expert John Snarey notes that children who play rough with their fathers learn that biting, kicking, and other forms of physical violence are not acceptable. They learn self-control by being told when "enough is enough" and when to "settle down". Fathers help girls and boys learn a healthy balance between timidity and aggression. Children need mom's softness, as well as dad's rough play. Both provide security and confidence in their own ways by communicating love and physical intimacy.
- Fathers Build Confidence
Go to any playground and listen to the parents there. Who is often encouraging kids to swing or climb just a little higher, ride their bike just a little faster, or throw just a little harder? Who is encouraging kids to be careful? Mothers tend toward caution while fathers often encourage kids to push the limits. Either of these parenting styles by themselves can be unhealthy. One can tend toward encouraging risk without consideration of consequences. The other tends to avoid risk, which can fail to build independence, confidence, and progress. Joined together, they keep each other in balance and help children remain safe while expanding their experiences and confidence.
- Fathers Communicate Differently
A major study showed that, when speaking to children, mothers and fathers are different. Mothers typically simplify their words and speak on the child's level. Fathers are not as inclined to modify their language for the child.
Mother's way facilitates immediate communication. Father's way challenges the child to expand his or her vocabulary and linguistic skills - an important building block of academic success.
Father's talk tends to be more brief, directive, and to the point. It also makes greater use of facial expressions and subtle body language. Mothers tend to be more descriptive, personal, and verbally encouraging. Children who do not learn how to understand and use both styles of conversation will be at a disadvantage, because they will experience both of these styles as they enter the adult world.
- Fathers Discipline Differently
Educational psychologist Carol Gilligan tells us that fathers stress justice, fairness, and duty (based on rules), while mothers stress sympathy, care and help (based on relationships).Fathers tend to observe and enforce rules systematically and sternly, which teach children the objectivity and consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward grace and sympathy in the midst of disobedience, which provide a sense of hope. Again, either of these by themselves is not good, but, together, they create a healthy, proper balance.
- Fathers Prepare Children for the Real World
Generally speaking, fathers tend to see their child in relation to the rest of the world, while mothers tend to see the rest of the world in relation to their child. For example, mothers are often very aware of things from the outside world that could hurt their child (for example, violence, lightning, accidents, disease, strange people, dogs or cats). Fathers, while not unconcerned with these things, tend to focus on how their children will or will not be prepared for something they might encounter in the world.
Fathers often help children see that particular attitudes and behaviours have certain consequences. For instance, fathers are more likely to tell their children that if they are not nice to others, kids will not want to play with them. Or that, if they don't do well in school, they will not get into college or land a good job. Most fathers help children prepare for the reality and harshness of the real world, and mothers help protect against it. Both are necessary as children grow into adulthood.
- Fathers Provide a Look at the World of Men
Men and women are different. They eat differently. They dress differently. They smell different. They cope with life differently. Stereotypically, fathers do "man things" and mothers do "woman things".
Girls and boys who grow up with a father are more familiar and secure with the world of men. Girls with involved fathers are more likely to have healthier, more confident relationships with boys in adolescence and men in adulthood. This is because girls have a greater opportunity to learn from their fathers how men should act toward women.
They understand from experience which behaviours are inappropriate. Girls raised by involved fathers also have a healthy familiarity with the world of men. They don't wonder what a man's facial stubble feels like or what it's like to be hugged by strong arms. This knowledge builds emotional security and safety from the exploitation of predatory males.
Boys who grow up with dads are less likely to be violent. They have their masculinity affirmed and can learn from their fathers how to use their masculinity and strength in positive ways. Fathers can help boys understand appropriate male sexuality, hygiene, and age-appropriate behaviour. It can be difficult for mothers to teach these things to their boys.
- Fathers Can Teach Respect for the Other Sex
Research consistently shows married fathers are substantially less likely to abuse their wives or children than other men. This means that boys and girls with married fathers in the home are more likely to learn by observation how men should treat women.
Girls with involved fathers, therefore, are more likely to select good boyfriends and husbands because they have had a good model by which to judge all candidates. Fathers also help weed out bad candidates. Boys raised with fathers are more likely to be good husbands because they can emulate their fathers' strengths and learn from their shortcomings.
The American Journal of Sociology finds that, "Societies with father-present patterns of child socialisation produce men who are less inclined to exclude women from public activities than their counterparts in father-absent societies."
- Fathers Connect Children with Job Markets
A crucial point in life is the transition from financial dependence to independence. This is usually a gradual process, spanning from about 16 to 22 years of age. Fathers can help connect their children - especially boys - to job markets as they enter adulthood. Fathers often have the kinds of diverse community connections needed to help young adults get their first jobs. When dad is not around, boys may be less likely to have the connections and motivation necessary to land a summer job.
As noted sociologist David Popenoe explains, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers - especially biological fathers - bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring." Fathers make substantial contributions to the lives of their children. Children are impoverished developmentally when they are deprived of their father's love.
The Review Of General Psychology states, "Many studies conclude that children with highly involved fathers, in relation to children with less involved fathers, tend to be more cognitively and socially competent, less inclined toward gender stereotyping, more empathetic, and psychologically better adjusted."
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