Durban - Every family has conflicts. In some families, they are a serious problem. In others, differences are resolved fairly easily, without battles or fiery arguments. Our childhood experiences often influence the way we think and behave in our adult relationships.
Research shows that conflicts in families often revolve around arguments about favouritism, disagreeing over who should do what, and conflicts about how things should be done.
Most often, conflict becomes a problem when family members respond in ineffective and unproductive ways. Sometimes people react emotionally and become aggressive, abusive, or hysterical. Others look for someone to blame, or constantly make excuses.
Here are some pointers on how to handle conflict constructively:
Managing conflict
The skills involved in managing conflict are learnt.
None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion or arguments.
In some families, conflict and confrontation are the normal style of communicating and attempting to solve problems.
In others, conflict remains hidden.
Whether it is out in the open or concealed, the way of dealing with conflict is usually passed on from one generation to the next, for better or worse.
What psychologists suggest
* Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I” statements sound less accusing.
* Agree with any part of your partner’s criticism that is true. Admit to how you may have contributed to the problem. Agreeing with possible truths will take the wind out of a critic’s sails.
* Avoid name-calling and put-downs. They achieve nothing constructive – they only make the other person defensive and angry and escalate the conflict.
* Soften your tone. Listen to how you sound. A softer, friendlier tone of voice helps to lessen the hostility of your message.
* Point out good things about a mistake your partner has made. Do not say: “I told you so.”
* Give as little unsolicited advice as possible. Overlook unimportant mistakes.
* Take time out. Maybe you and your spouse can agree to make a timeout sign, say, a T with your hands, when an argument seems to be getting out of control. Or you could say, “Let’s take a break and cool down.” Assure your partner that she will have your full attention later – and keep to this promise.
* Watch your body language. You often make things worse when you roll your eyes, cross your arms in front of your body, or tap your foot.
* Beware of what you say. Don’t make vague generalisations or accusations. Be specific. Say: “You were an hour late” instead of “You’re always late”.
* Welcome tears: they can help the healing process. Do not discourage people from crying.
* Where appropriate, use humour. In a light-hearted way, say: “You’re trying so hard to improve me. I hope your fees aren’t going to be too high.”
When your partner is upset with you, it can be difficult to follow the above advice, but try.
At times both partners can be emotional and attacking. Each one is trying hard to get his or her point across.
As a result, neither is listening and the situation escalates. Couples may start reacting defensively, or blaming each other.
Sometimes they may stop communicating altogether, sulk and avoid each other. Be proactive and try to avoid such power struggles arising in the first place.
Couples who communicate effectively are more likely to handle conflict constructively.
Remember, the key to a satisfactory outcome is each partner’s willingness to find a solution together. Good relationships don’t just happen. They require work. - Daily News
* Ramphal is an educational psychologist with special interests in career counselling and the learning and behaviour problems of children and adolescents. Visit www.ramphaledupsych.co.za