Keeping the peace in a shared home

Illustration: Wilson Mgobhozi

Illustration: Wilson Mgobhozi

Published Feb 6, 2015

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Johannesburg – Khanyisile* and her teenage son Lucas live with her mother in Hatfield, Pretoria.

When her mom first moved in, she worried that Lucas, with his typical teenage ways, would butt heads with his strong-willed grandmother. “I foresaw some conflict, especially over his loud music on the weekends,” she says.

“There are times when he really tries her patience, and vice versa. This is exacerbated by the fact that I am now a single mother, so Lucas has assumed the position of ‘man of the house’. But on the whole it has worked out fine,” says Khanyisile.

She did, however, have to make a compromise on bedroom space. “My mom needs to have her privacy and a place away from the family goings-on, so she is in the main en-suite and I’m in a smaller room. I do think Lucas is going to need a bigger, separate space soon, so I’m not sure how we’ll get around this”

Three-generational homes like Khanyisile’s are a common living arrangement in South Africa, and increasingly, the middle generation is a single parent, reflecting the increase of single-parent homes in South Africa.

The economic benefits of pooling resources are obvious – one roof, one water and electricity bill, sharing the grocery and petrol bills – but what about the relationship stresses that occur when you live with your parents or in-laws?

Nawaal*, a grandmother living with her son and his wife and their two children in Fourways, says she has learnt that the golden rule is not to interfere with the parents’ decisions.

“If I think my daughter-in- law should make the children sandwiches for school and she doesn’t, or that she should cook vegetables but she serves them fish fingers, I keep my mouth shut,” she says. “If I don’t, it causes friction and puts my son in a difficult position, because naturally my daughter-in-law discusses everything with him.”

Men in a three-generation home can pacify things or fuel tension, depending on their nature and position in the family.

Nawaal says her son is “easy-going but also a strong father”, so when he’s around there is “less squabbling between the children, which alleviates the stress on the women of the house”.

Khanyisile, on the other hand, found that when her ex-husband was in the house, there was often more tension.

“We women tend to put up with more and see things differently. Men are more territorial and less forgiving of certain character traits. Maybe it was because it was my mom we were living with and not his,” she says.

Wilma Calvert, a counsellor and community worker for the Family Life Centre, says that where three generations reside in one house, personal space can be an issue.

Even in bigger homes, privacy can be hard to find, and in communities where the houses are not equipped to adequately accommodate a three-generation family, the shortage of space can be a continual source of stress.

“In the community of Westbury, where I do a lot of work, parents and children sometimes have to share a bedroom. ‘Nocturnal’ activities have to be navigated with great timing and skill, and this can put a strain on a marital relationship,” says Calvert.

Discipline of the children is another issue that often arises. “Depending on who the house belongs to, he or she will often dictate who has the final say. Most often it’s the grandparents who own the house, and if they have a ‘favourite’ or even a perceived favourite among the grandchildren, this will cause sibling rivalry,” says Calvert.

Sometimes children manipulate the more lenient parent or grandparent, causing a split between the adults.

Adults can also become divided over grandparents interfering with parents’ decisions, like allowing their teen to play loud music until late at night, says Calvert.

Unreasonable expectations, leading to resentments or jealousy, can also make things difficult, especially for the busy middle-generation parent.

Frida*, who lives with her husband, 17-year-old daughter and her frail mother in Cresta, says she is forever juggling time between work and attending to the needs of her mother and teenage daughter.

“My daughter is acting out a lot because she needs more time than I can give her, due to my mother needing a lot of care. My husband takes a back seat in all this. I feel guilty and worn out,” she says.

Well-known clinical psychologist Dorianne Weil (“Dr D”) says these issues can be dealt with if all family members engage in “courageous conversations” to iron out what is reasonable and expected.

“Lots of things need to be aired in a three-generation home, and it should be a continual process. Honest, open conversations with family are harder to have than with work colleagues. See this as an investment that will protect family relationships and ensure that the set-up works,” she says.

“Talks should be about role definition – in other words, who does what and who pays for what, and allocation of space in the house, such as who gets the best room, and might this change in the future. Deal-breakers also need to be aired from time to time, for instance, ‘loud music late at night is not acceptable to me as an owner/ contributor of the house’,” suggests Weil.

“Remember, too, to express gratitude and appreciation for the contributions made,” she adds.

If a marriage begins to suffer due to a perceived alignment with the older adult/s against the other partner, Weil says the couple need to talk about this between themselves and find a way to unite.

“I often find that people are quite binary (one-on-one) in their relationships, not realising that nurturing one relationship doesn’t mean abandoning another. Again, it’s about open, courageous conversation. Above all, it’s important to keep in mind the many benefits of a shared family home,” she says.

*Names changed.

 

EXPERT TIPS FOR 3G DWELLERS*

Plan ahead. Sit down and talk about boundaries, use of space, and who does what chores and when. Open communication about money is particularly important. Be crystal clear about who is paying for what and how bills will be paid. Put it in writing if it helps.

* Create a home for everyone. Your home should be conducive to sharing by old, middle and younger generations. Create some private space for everyone if you can. Ensure safe access and ease of movement for the elderly and have a separate TV room for the children if finances allow.

* Make family time. Have routine time together, whether it be shared meal-times, game nights or family movie nights.

* Roll with the punches. There are bound to be conflicts, frustrations and moments when you wish you could escape. Accept that this is part of the deal and that there are many advantages to living with family. Communicate openly about your needs, and forgive easily.

The Star

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