Durban - It’s the social order – you fall in love, get married and then divorced. Some people repeat the process a few times. Some don’t.
It’s not that long-term, happy marriages don’t exist, but simply that they’re rare.
The stats confirm this. According to online South African divorce service eDivorce, between 29 000 and 37 000 divorces took place every year between 1999 and 2008.
The distribution of couples divorcing by population group shows there were more divorces among Africans compared to other groups. Despite the general fluctuations, the proportion of divorces from the mixed and the African groups has been increasing while that of whites has been declining over the past 10 years.
Most marriages, in these instances, last less than 10 years.
While divorce is common these days, that doesn’t make it any easier.
Separating from your wife or husband, once the most important person in the world to you, is regarded as one of the most devastating personal experiences you will ever go through.
Which is perhaps why so many people hide behind misguided reasons to stay in their broken relationships.
These people know they’re unhappy, but there’s that voice in their heads that says it isn’t so bad.
Often there is no abuse, they don’t fight or argue – in fact they only really talk when they have to – and so it’s easier to stay.
There are the children no one wants to hurt. Financial worries, and enough guilt, fear and insecurity to ensure that you stay put.
Rakhi Beekrum, a counselling psychologist at eThekwini Hospital and Heart Centre near Durban, says many couples remain in unhappy marriages for a variety of reasons, including “for the sake of the children”, to avoid the trauma and because of societal or family expectations.
In September the Daily Mail reported on a study that one in 10 married couples were staying together “just for the kids” – and planned to split when the children were old enough.
Beekrum says while the intention to spare them the trauma may be noble and unselfish, children are not really better off living in an unhappy home.
“Parents often do not realise how perceptive even young children are, and think they can put on a facade. Remember, children learn from what we do and not what we say. So, consider what you’re teaching your child about marriage by remaining in an unhappy marriage. Often children who have been raised in such homes grow up with no faith in the institution of marriage or may feel that it’s normal to not have a loving spousal relationship.
“As painful as divorce may be, remaining in an unhappy marriage means chronic unhappiness and sometimes pretending that everything is fine. While I do not advocate divorce as the first option, sometimes remaining in an unhappy marriage can be more detrimental in the long term than divorce.
“Some of the psychological consequences include depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. And, with the chronic stress, there are increased chances of developing serious physical illness.”
International best-selling author and world-renowned therapist Mira Kirshenbaum describes those who stay unhappily married as being in an ambivalent relationships.
These couples often are not sure if they want to leave or stay, she wrote on her blog on Valentine’s Day.
“Asking if love can last is like asking if a garden can last. Can a garden last? Of course! But it has to be the right garden for you. Flowers for flower people; vegetables for vegetable people. Lawns for lawn people, if it comes to that.
“And you have to put some work into it. Not a ton of work. But some.
“And you have to have appropriate expectations. (You can have a gorgeous garden in the desert, but probably not a gorgeous flower garden.)
“And you have to be a garden person: you know, someone who likes gardening, not just having a garden…
“You gotta choose the right person. I mean, come on. You can’t complain about love not lasting if you choose to be with someone who isn’t right for you. You can’t just say, Hey, he was hot, and then complain about love not lasting.
“And you have to work on it. And by work I mean play. That is, make time to enjoy each other and to show you enjoy each other.
“Things change as time goes by. But what makes it all still love? That you still care, you still enjoy each other, you still like each other, you still have moments of real affection.”
Beekrum agrees, adding that trying to preserve a marriage is only possible if both parties are willing to work towards a healthier relationship.
“Only if this fails and if fundamental values and needs are irreconcilable should divorce be considered. Ensure that children receive the necessary help (perhaps from a psychologist) so they can deal with their feelings, understand that they’re not to blame and adjust to the life change. Parents also owe it to their children to work together in the best interest of the child, even if the marriage has failed.”
In which case, give yourself time to adjust before jumping into another relationship.”One should take adequate time to heal after divorce and find oneself again,” says Beekrum.
“Psychotherapy or support groups are very helpful in adjusting to the major life change. Make time for yourself and things that you love to do but never had the time for. It takes time to readjust after a divorce – do not put pressure on yourself. Going through a range of emotions (such as anger, sadness and disappointment) is normal.
“Do not rush into a new relationship. Friends or family may pressurise you to date again or meet someone new. This is not a good idea until you’ve gained closure.
“Do not compete with your ex as to who moves on first. You need to feel ready, and must have met someone you are comfortable with.
“Do not date to help you ‘get over’ your ex. This will cause more harm. While it is normal to be cautious about a new relationship, remember that not all people are the same.
“Learn from the failed marriage, so you know what you want in a new relationship. Take things slowly.” - The Mercury