Novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet Ellis, 60, answers your questions...
My best friend remarried last year at the age of 60. Initially I was thrilled for her, but, having tried and tried for 12 months, I cannot bring myself to like her new husband.
And no, this isn’t a question of me being a jealous old maid because I’ve been happily married for the past 34 years.
My main concern is that my friend used to be fun-loving, but since marrying she’s turned into some kind of Stepford Wife who only seems interested in cleaning. It’s not that she never has time for me, but her confidence and joie de vivre have gone — it’s as if her light has gone out.
If we’re out somewhere together and he phones to ask where she is, she’ll drop everything to scurry home. She doesn’t seem happy to me. I desperately want to talk to her about this but am afraid it’ll ruin our friendship. Please help.
ANSWER:
I am absolutely certain you were a terrific support to your friend when she was on her own. I bet you were delighted when she started this relationship and cheered loudly when she decided to remarry.
There are two distinct possibilities to explain what’s happening now.
The first is that her husband has revealed himself as controlling and bullying. He demands a clean house and an obedient little wife.
She is desperately unhappy and might even be frightened of him. She is trapped in an unhappy marriage and is too browbeaten, or even too embarrassed, to confess.
That’s the worst-case scenario, but if this is someone you describe as your best friend, someone you’ve seen through good times and bad, then you’ve got to hope she can still be honest with you now.
It’s great you still see her regularly by herself — you’ll have opportunities to investigate gently. If there’s anything to be concerned about, there’s plenty of help available and she’ll appreciate your concern.
The other reason you feel she’s changed is because she has, a little. She was facing a solitary future and now she has someone to look after, who cares where she is when she’s out. What you think looks subservient — extra housework and rushing home when he calls — might actually be a source of happiness for her.
However, she probably knows you don’t approve, either of him or her attitude. You obviously enjoyed your friend’s company when she was a lively single woman, and while you don’t envy her remarrying, perhaps you have just a twinge of envy at the excitement of a new romance?
She may not be a young bride, but she’ll be just as focused on her new husband as anyone is when they’re newly-wed — as indeed I expect you were, 30 years ago.
It’s natural that you enjoyed your role as confidante and playmate and liked the fact that she needed you. She used to have much more free time, but now you have to share her. She’ll be torn between her best friend and her new husband at the moment and, quite rightly, he’ll often come first.
You say you don’t like him, but don’t elaborate on why, apart from the effect he has on his wife. Have you tried spending time with them? If your husbands get on, it could be the start of a new and special relationship for all of you.
Once she’s feeling more settled, particularly if you’ve got to know her husband better, I’m sure your friendship will be just as strong. It’s a rare friendship that doesn’t have to adjust over the years, and you’ve already shared so much.
She’ll value your company more if you can share her happiness. Please don’t lose sight of the fact that real friends are the ones who open champagne when everything is going well.
Daily Mail