How to be a better best man

Question: I had a hunch my best friend of 15 years would ask me to be his best man. The day has come, and I have swiftly become aware of how little I know of what’s expected of me. While other friends assure me that I only need to worry about the bachelor party, some websites insist I should be doing everything from arranging engraved gifts to booking honeymoon hotels. For a modern couple, what is a relatively thoughtful best friend and man and gentleman to do?

Yours truly,

Best Man To Be

Answer: It is indeed your duty to organise a bachelor party that’s impossible to forget and traumatic to remember. In this and all other best-manly matters, carry yourself as if you are the sheriff of the good times and the other groomsmen are your deputies. Delegate tasks to responsible (and to proficiently irresponsible) individuals as warranted by events.

Between the bachelor party and the wedding weekend, your responsibilities are almost non-existent. But if the groom is dressing in formal wear for the ceremony, you should assist with matters related to renting a tuxedo, such as convincing him to buy one instead.

A tailored evening suit is more physically and mentally comfortable than a rental tux that has serially endured the stresses of matric dance frottage.

At the rehearsal, the bride and groom will merely be practising their wedding-day roles, but you are debuting your award-winning performance as a local celebrity, a host of honour and a trouble-shooter of all trades.

If the wedding is at a vineyard, and if in the vineyard there are snakes, then you will drive out the snakes as discreetly as possible. Flirt with the mother of the bride and any other mother who wants to be flirted with. Build a rapport with the wedding planner. And always and forever OBEY THE BRIDE.

As the rehearsal shades into the rehearsal dinner, leap to address hassles as they arise, like giving directions to the groom’s out-of-town cousins, who know neither where they are nor how to use Google Maps.

Your job is to take some weight off the groom’s shoulders – weight, and dandruff. Stand ready to serve as a valet, a body man and a personal groomer; the most complete best-man tool kit would include a lint brush, a hotel sewing kit, a wine key, a black pen for signing the wedding certificate, back-up copies of any original vows, and a pill case stocked with breath mints and headache tablets.

On the day of the wedding, get the groom to the venue on time. Curry favour with the DJ or the band during set-up. Deal with the boutonnières. Escort the maid of honour down the aisle.

Stand up straight. Grin and bear it through the photo sessions and then deliver to the newlyweds a plate of hors d’oeuvres or at least a stiff drink as they suffer a more protracted ordeal in front of the wedding photographer, who is hard at work stealing the souls that the officiant has so lovingly joined together.

At the reception, deliver a succinct, family-friendly toast and raise a glass to the bride. Do not raise your glass too frequently for a while thereafter: you need a clear head to achieve your dual purpose of ensuring that the bride and groom have the happiest time possible and raising the general level of the party.

Your duties may involve delivering cheques to suppliers, organising groomsmen to waylay belligerent uncles. If you see the bride trying to lift a case of wine or anything else heavier than her bouquet, respond by saying, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooo.”

Make small talk with everyone who seems interesting and when they start being uninteresting, exit the conversation by making a vague reference to your special obligations.

At this point in the proceedings, the show is yours to run. Carry yourself as if your authority is greater than that of father of the bride, which it is. If this is a catered affair, you may liberate bottles as you see fit. Veto poor decisions at will.

Dance with the bride and with the maid of honour. I do not recommend grinding on the mother of the bride or encouraging flower girls to dance in a sexually suggestive way.

Encourage everyone to dance heartily, but don’t at any point get so lost in the music that you neglect your duties. This may include quietly delivering underarm deodorant to a groom who has got lost in the music and, consequently, the funk.

While some sticklers for tradition insist that your job isn’t done until you’ve decorated the getaway car, others, more old-school yet, require you to station yourself outside the bridal chamber and gather proof of consummation.

But you say, Best Man To Be, you’re attending to the nuptials of a “modern couple”, so I instead suggest checking in on their progress via Skype, while kicking back at the reception, once again sending the bride your best wishes. – Slate / The Washington Post News Service