QUESTION: Fifteen years ago, I divorced my wife, leaving her for another woman, who I will be marrying this autumn.
My wife blames my new partner entirely, and although she coped with her being present at my daughter's wedding, she has insisted that my son - who is getting married next month - doesn't ask her to his wedding. My son says it will just cause too much tension.
My children get on fine with my partner. My son will be very upset if I don't attend, and I'll be very upset if I'm forced to attend without my partner. How do we resolve this?
Yours sincerely,
Rodney
ANSWER: This seems a mad situation, particularly if your ex-wife has already managed to attend your daughter's wedding with your partner present without having a complete nervous breakdown.
It may be time for a bit of bluff-calling, saying that you're sorry, but you can't attend without your partner. Say that she would feel it to be a tremendous slap in the face considering that she came to the last wedding with no mishap, and that she and your son are perfectly friendly on all other occasions. Your son may just be trying it on, trying to wriggle out of facing up to pressure from his mother.
He should stand up for himself and say that he wants his mother and father present, with whatever partners they have. And he should tell his mother that if she had got married again, wouldn't she be horrified at being asked to leave her husband at home? Or he could suggest you split the event. You go to the wedding with your partner and then go home, leaving her to the drinks and reception. Or, of course, vice versa. I bet your wife would hate that plan - but she could hardly deny that it was completely reasonable, particularly if she were allowed to choose which half she attended.
And where is your daughter in all this? How did she manage to pull off this coup during such a social minefield? Did she have a special method that she used to get your ex-wife to agree to come to her wedding?
Now, you could write your ex-wife a letter. It would have to be carefully worded because she's obviously angry, wounded and irrational. But you could say how much you all appreciated the fact that, at your daughter's wedding, you were all able to be in the same room together. It was due to her generosity of spirit, blah blah. You could also say that she is putting your son in a very difficult position by making these demands. He doesn't want to hurt either of you, and wouldn't it be charitable, just for a day, to put aside your differences simply for the sake of your boy?
I'm sure you have mutual friends, too, who could help put the squeeze on your ex-wife. There must be godparents who could start leaning on her, or uncles or aunts who are more detached.
Perhaps you could suggest (indirectly, of course) that one of your mutual male friends escort her to the wedding so that she doesn't feel all on her own - which could be a bit grim if she imagines you and your new partner all lovey-dovey the other side of the room, while she's just hanging about like a gooseberry.
I suspect that your wife will, if you apply enough pressure from all sides, give in in the end. She just wants to cause you as much grief and pain as she can at the moment - and then be hailed as the saintly martyr when she caves in.
The Independent