QUESTION: I'm at my wit's end. My husband is normally a very amiable man, and all our friends find him charming.
But whenever he comes back from a stressful day at work, he delights in tormenting one of his family, often making my daughter cry over some completely pointless issue.
Then, once one of us - me or my two children - has been reduced to tears, he goes into his room, slams the door, and then emerges an hour later as if nothing has happened. It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde. He refuses to talk about it. What can I do?
Yours sincerely, Diana
ANSWER: How awful for you all! But - and you may not like my saying this - I feel so much for your husband, too. And I suspect that if I can persuade you, too, to feel pity as well as fury, you might find you can break this cycle.
It's a well-known fact, and one that we all forget daily, that if someone makes you feel ghastly, it usually means they feel ghastly, too. If someone reduces you to tears again and again, it means they're on the brink of tears themselves.
Obviously, after a stressful day at work, your husband returns home feeling absolutely frightful - he feels, I imagine, diminished, incapable of carrying on, with the weight of responsibility on his shoulders, and at the end of his tether. He needs, somehow, to release these emotions, but because of some deep-seated childhood taboo, he's unable to. The emotions have to be released somehow. So how does he do it? He gets you to express them for him.
I was made aware of this when a friend became irrationally angry with me. Once he'd expressed it and made me feel awful, he then apologised and said: “I feel so much better now! It's always better to let these things out, isn't it, rather than keep them bottled up, don't you think?” For him, it was better. For me, it wasn't. Because, years later, I still keep the anger at his behaviour inside me. He offloaded his fury on to me. What your husband is doing is getting you to suffer for him. The tears you're shedding aren't your tears. They're his.
Firstly, explain the situation to your daughters and make a pact that none of you will shed a tear when he next tries this tactic on. It will be much easier when you understand what's going on and can see him as a tragic two-year-old having a temper tantrum. By changing the dynamic, he will be left with his own misery to handle himself. It'll be interesting to see what happens next.
If that doesn't make a difference, tell him that his behaviour is having a terrible effect on your family and that unless he agrees to see a counsellor with you, and perhaps your daughters as well, or at least try some strategies to stop this appalling behaviour - exercise, not going to the pub before coming home, going straight to his room for some downtime before he even makes an appearance - then you'll have to consider separation.
Yes, I feel sorry for this bitter, angry and suffering man. But that doesn't stop his behaviour from being completely unacceptable and vile. He's not going to break the cycle. He doesn't know how to. That is something only you and your girls can do, by simply refusing to respond to it or - more likely I'm afraid - refusing to put up with it.
The Independent