‘My husband wants me to take a lover’

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lovers old reuters REUTERS They also found that divorcees were more concerned with feeling that spark of desire with a new partner than those who had never been married.

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for 30 years and remain in love, but he hasn’t wanted sex for a decade. Please don’t suggest “talking about it” or therapy, as neither of us wants to discuss intimate matters.

My husband says he wants me to be happy, which I interpret as “take a covert lover”. Should I?


ANSWER: If you can tolerate being in a relationship where vital conversations take place in semaphore, rather than words, who am I to say it’s wrong?

Forcing your other half to do something they detest is seldom a good idea. So, while I’m generally in favour of couples being as open as possible, I accept that two reticent souls can conduct things in an alternative manner. The key is that both of you understand and approve the modus operandi.

However, I have met people who interpreted sexual neglect as a signal they should seek fulfilment elsewhere, only for the union to blow apart at the first sign of infidelity.

You don’t need to be sexually active to feel jealous. And if your husband’s lack of active passion is due to erectile dysfunction of some kind, he may feel sensitive to perceived humiliation.

Only you can make this judgment. Is he the sort of man who urges you to go out and have adventures, who doesn’t question your whereabouts? Is he aware of your sexual frustration and how it’s undermining your happiness? Does he feel secure enough in your love to allow a little elastic in your bond?

Have you properly considered your side of the pact? It means loveless sex and being unable to discuss your secret life with friends. Will it make you happy? If the answer is “yes” and you’re sure your husband is onside, few would judge you for finding an occasional bed buddy.

But if any uncertainty remains, you may have to break your habits and start a conversation. - Daily Mail

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