Question: My son lives in London with his wife and their daughter, eight, my only grandchild. My husband and I live four hours away by train.
The problem is my daughter-in-law is a successful career woman and she doesn’t find us interesting. I think she thinks we’re not good enough — she won’t let our granddaughter stay with us, though she does stay with her parents.
My husband has been very ill so we can’t travel to see them we’re reliant on them coming to us, and they’ve only been twice since last spring.
I miss my son and my granddaughter desperately, but I’m so afraid if I say something my daughter-in-law will stop them coming again. Please help.
Answer: It would be amazing to be able to see ourselves as others do. Instead we’re forced to imagine how we come across, and it’s hard not to be negative.
I do feel for you at the moment as your husband is unwell and your son is physically distant, otherwise I’m sure they’d be the ones to support you and put things in perspective.
Your son and his wife probably liked to tell themselves that you wanted to be left to care for your husband, so have kept invitations and visits to a minimum. No wonder you feel isolated and lonely.
If your daughter-in-law doesn’t seem able to put you at your ease it could be because she feels awkward, too. It’s easy to think you’re the one who isn’t confident or fluent in small talk.
She’s coping with a young child, a demanding job and living in a city. Whatever her nature, she’ll have little time or energy left over and she’s obviously not the sort to make an effort.
If she doesn’t ask you questions — which is why you think she finds you dull — it could be that she fears saying the wrong thing to you. Perhaps she suspects you disapprove of her working hard and doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about her job. Have you tried asking her about what she does? You may be inhibited by what you imagine is her effortless success, but she’ll have her worries, too. Apart from the fact you both love your son and granddaughter, you’re women and mothers and have more in common than you realise.
Of course, you may never be friends. Her chilly demeanour may not disguise shyness but a lack of empathy. You’ll have to counter that by being your sunniest self. You can leave room for her to be kind and thoughtful but, if she isn’t, you don’t have to wait for her to improve.
Though your husband may not be up to the journey yet, there’s nothing to stop you travelling to see your granddaughter alone.
In an ideal world, your son would bring her to see you regularly but, in reality, even eight-year-olds have busy timetables these days, and many parents of young children guard their weekends.
It’s better for you to slot into their lives for a few days than wait for their infrequent visits to you.
Likewise, your son’s trips to see you and his father don’t always have to mean your granddaughter comes, too. You all need to be a bit more flexible about arrangements, which in turn will mean you’ll all become more relaxed.
Perhaps you could suggest your son brings your granddaughter to stay during the holidays and you bring her back by train.
Meanwhile, get up to speed with Skype or FaceTime and send your granddaughter the occasional card or letter.
You’re obviously a coper who doesn’t complain but, while that’s admirable, it does mean your family can assume you’re fine. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean a noisy challenge, but you do need to remind them that you matter.