What's NEW on Zando?

Shop our latest arrivals for shoes & apparel now!

‘Should I be cool if he wants a fling?’

Comment on this story


affair lib

INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPERS

Your husband has cheated two times that you are aware of. Unfortunately, he could have cheated more than that. File picture: Boxer Ngwenya

QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage. He says he wants to marry me but doesn’t want to be limited to having sex with one woman forever. He asked me if I would consider parameters for him to mess around, like on his birthday or other special occasions. He doesn’t want me to do the same. I’m not totally against it.

The exact terms – the frequency of the “passes”, the consequences for additional violations – are something he and I are trying to work out. I see this often with celebs, but I’m curious about whether you’ve seen this work for everyday couples.

Also, I would like to clarify, I’m not that pressed to get married, just simply thinking and discussing what my potential marriage would look like. Does this work for couples ever? – Anonymous

 

ANSWER: I’m going to applaud you and your boyfriend for discussing what your expectations are for a marriage before you move forward. I’ve always been alarmed by the number of people who don’t talk about it, make assumptions about their partner’s outlook or think that marriage is a magical “happily ever after” that requires no work. It does explain the divorce rate, though, doesn’t it?

There’s no one way to make a marriage work, and you and your boyfriend are entitled to do your marriage however you like. But as you consider the terms he’s set forth, I’d also like you to consider some things you may not have thought about while caught up in your bubble of love.

The glaring issue with what he’s proposed is that it is grossly unfair, in that it benefits only him. I’m not so much a fan of open relationships, but people have them all the time, and they say they are happy. But in all the cases I’ve heard of, it wasn’t the one-way street your man suggested. Both partners were able to enjoy the benefits of an open relationship.

The expectation that you should be committed to him all the time, while he’s committed to you on nonspecial occasions, isn’t okay. If he gets the “passes” you speak of, you should have a set of your own.

But maybe you don’t want any “passes”; you just want him. That’s cool, but I don’t think you’ve really considered the full repercussions of what you’re “not totally against”.

Whatever your stance is on “passes” or “cheating”, do understand that even if you are sexually monogamous, if your partner is not, you’re still at risk of sexually transmitted infections, including HIV.

Although everyone likes to focus on the joys of sex, the act can also come with some unintended consequences. You may give your could-be husband a pass to cheat, but how will you know if he uses condoms with his side chick? Are you okay with the possibility of catching a STD, even a curable one? What if it’s herpes? What if it’s HIV? Are you going to use condoms with your husband to protect yourself from whatever he’s exposed to on his “pass” days? How often do you plan to take HIV tests to make sure you’re healthy? Will your husband take them regularly, too?

Say that one of his flings gets pregnant. Will you and your husband pay for an abortion? What if she wants to keep the child? Are you going to help him raise the kid? Are you okay with money from your home going to the new child? Will you raise your children with your husband and any children from his mistresses together as one family?

On his birthday and other special days that you’re “not totally against” him spending with other women, is it okay if he has celebratory sex with you that day and then leaves to be with his mistress? You know it’s his pass day, so you know where he is. What will you do while he’s gone with her? Will you sleep comfortably? Iron his shirts? How long until you have sex with him after he’s back from his “pass”? Immediately? A week? Just curious.

If you’ve got answers to all these questions and you’re fine with these scenarios, I still can’t recommend that you take this offer. Despite what you said about not being “that pressed” to get married, it does sound as if you really want to be married to your boyfriend, and your desire to upgrade to wife is causing you to overlook some very real and messy consequences of the agreement he’s offered.

Oh, and about the celebrities you’ve mentioned: Being famous doesn’t give anyone a special insulation from the situations I described above. Men still get the “other woman” pregnant, as has been in the news lately, and fame doesn’t stop STDs. Because people in the limelight don’t speak publicly about the downsides of what are essentially open relationships, it doesn’t mean they aren’t hurt, affected or infected the same as a woman whose face isn’t on a billboard. – The Root / The Washington Post News Service

Get our free Lifestyle newsletter - subscribe here...

Follow @IOLlifestyle on Twitter

Visit IOL Lifestyle on Facebook


sign up
 
 

Comment Guidelines



  1. Please read our comment guidelines.
  2. Login and register, if you haven’ t already.
  3. Write your comment in the block below and click (Post As)
  4. Has a comment offended you? Hover your mouse over the comment and wait until a small triangle appears on the right-hand side. Click triangle () and select "Flag as inappropriate". Our moderators will take action if need be.

     

sunshinebright
I'm a 55 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
AH1974
I'm a 40 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 48.
View Profile
Dee35_vtd
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
veldmuis007
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 28 and 35.
View Profile
Kosmos075
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
molletdelvalles
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
Jimmyhgirl
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 37 and 55.
View Profile
bluemon
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
honkytonkwoman
I'm a 58 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 55 and 64.
View Profile
Duifie038
I'm a 45 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 50.
View Profile
CreativeSmile
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 42.
View Profile
Abs
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 40.
View Profile
Stella143
I'm a 35 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 45.
View Profile
BMull08
I'm a 19 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 19 and 30.
View Profile
GirlInterruptedNow
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 45.
View Profile
Rarefind
I'm a 54 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 52 and 63.
View Profile
JustAnna
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 55.
View Profile
voelkos
I'm a 54 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 56.
View Profile
Vinnette
I'm a 52 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
devotedlady
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 43 and 55.
View Profile
pesin15
I'm a 38 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 18 and 100.
View Profile
ThisIsTheRemix
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 31 and 41.
View Profile
Pretty_Nerd
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 28 and 38.
View Profile
blondgirl
I'm a 57 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 53 and 60.
View Profile
lookingsexy200
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 45.
View Profile
snowbird7
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 31 and 39.
View Profile
Gypsey4Life
I'm a 51 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 62.
View Profile
butterflykisses14
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 31 and 51.
View Profile
Athena
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 37 and 45.
View Profile
Roxyxxx
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 43 and 50.
View Profile
Ninks
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 42.
View Profile
MademoiselleMyGirl
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 40.
View Profile
Wonderer_0202
I'm a 42 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 52.
View Profile
naty677
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 39 and 62.
View Profile
HoopvolleToekoms
I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 32 and 39.
View Profile
AMy_303
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
Foreverinhope
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 56.
View Profile
AGX
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 44.
View Profile
Magnolia52
I'm a 52 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 65.
View Profile
ioio
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
NY25
I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 30.
View Profile
TenderMoments
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
Lisa_Jayne
I'm a 27 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 23 and 35.
View Profile
MustLoveDogz
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 33 and 43.
View Profile
limegreen48
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
twinkle87
I'm a 27 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 28 and 45.
View Profile
iamclassy
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 65.
View Profile
nads42
I'm a 42 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 58.
View Profile
dreamsoftly
I'm a 49 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 47 and 58.
View Profile
CLC_91
I'm a 23 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
kristella
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 40.
View Profile
Sugababe
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 32 and 42.
View Profile
love_passionately
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
CC82
I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
Veronica2477
I'm a 38 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
Livs_89
I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 38.
View Profile
Comet43
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 54.
View Profile
Lulu_101
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 45.
View Profile
soutenpepper
I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 37.
View Profile
AmaJ
I'm a 44 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 42 and 50.
View Profile
Starlight_001
I'm a 35 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
LuckyCharm_440
I'm a 29 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 29 and 40.
View Profile
thrillsandfrills
I'm a 40 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 41 and 45.
View Profile
sportliefhebber
I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 31.
View Profile
findmemyman
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 50.
View Profile
_Alwayssmiling
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 41.
View Profile
Gem24
I'm a 24 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 40.
View Profile
LilaBlom
I'm a 23 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 23 and 33.
View Profile
bon1bon
I'm a 35 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 29 and 40.
View Profile
DaffodilTulip
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
KarooBoereMeisie
I'm a 34 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 40.
View Profile
Nikkibrid
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 27 and 51.
View Profile
Dreamer1987
I'm a 27 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
itu22
I'm a 22 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 37.
View Profile
Gem31
I'm a 24 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
PearlyGem
I'm a 55 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 60.
View Profile
Sunshine_again
I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 43 and 58.
View Profile
Mysong
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 55.
View Profile
MrsRobinson
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 45.
View Profile
Katryn777
I'm a 34 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 40.
View Profile
Sosialemeis2
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 46.
View Profile
OneWay
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 47.
View Profile
Chanex
I'm a 20 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 23 and 26.
View Profile
MistressofBrand
I'm a 34 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 44.
View Profile
Cymbidium
I'm a 47 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 47 and 60.
View Profile
Lvit2C
I'm a 29 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 27 and 39.
View Profile
Cat007
I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
xine_414
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
PhoenixLin
I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 42.
View Profile
supe24
I'm a 34 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 65.
View Profile
Bluebell531
I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 60.
View Profile
2gether4ever
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
ddb65
I'm a 49 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 60.
View Profile
This_is_m3
I'm a 45 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 50.
View Profile
angelface93
I'm a 21 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 21 and 29.
View Profile
Lemoenbloeisel
I'm a 35 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
Belind4_M
I'm a 19 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 19 and 30.
View Profile
Stiletto1
I'm a 53 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 57.
View Profile
kel3
I'm a 31 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 31 and 38.
View Profile
KayBee75
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 49.
View Profile
koolstoof55
I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 63.
View Profile
LEO1982
I'm a 32 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 40.
View Profile
thesaltofthesea
I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 50.
View Profile
Pottie16
I'm a 44 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
Determined_69
I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 47.
View Profile
Boereman
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 52.
View Profile
Moonrakker
I'm a 64 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 64.
View Profile
GenuineJ
I'm a 64 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 48 and 64.
View Profile
JustJve99
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 45.
View Profile
BobTheExtremeBuilder
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 47.
View Profile
cornrlius205
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 50.
View Profile
cloudhopper
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
Free_Spirited
I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 34 and 44.
View Profile
Bushbaby210
I'm a 27 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 21 and 35.
View Profile
Geard1977
I'm a 37 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 26 and 40.
View Profile
oth1982
I'm a 32 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 100.
View Profile
ekke_706
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 55.
View Profile
Virion
I'm a 30 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 33.
View Profile
Rumrun
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 44 and 56.
View Profile
Kawa1000
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
Ben_57
I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 42 and 55.
View Profile
WanderingShadow
I'm a 39 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 20 and 40.
View Profile
sailor_X897
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 60.
View Profile
Rich_H
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 48.
View Profile
Jurgy62
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 37 and 55.
View Profile
QuietDreamer
I'm a 34 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 29.
View Profile
audiess
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 39 and 64.
View Profile
anandr
I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 38 and 65.
View Profile
matiekat
I'm a 66 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 100.
View Profile
tigercat
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 22 and 54.
View Profile
Romanticseb
I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 57.
View Profile
Eugene053
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
Breukes
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 26 and 35.
View Profile
longingforu
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 38.
View Profile
CapeLover
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 41 and 50.
View Profile
Double_N
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 50.
View Profile
Fairtalk101
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 37.
View Profile
Parmos1
I'm a 64 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 63.
View Profile
PaulA79
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 40.
View Profile
TheRisingSun
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 40.
View Profile
srchinluv
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 46 and 65.
View Profile
bellagio
I'm a 69 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 65.
View Profile
happymaker66
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
rossi46
I'm a 66 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 65.
View Profile
Mais_171
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 55.
View Profile
TheRealPeterPan
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 35.
View Profile
WagOngeduldig
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
Marley77
I'm a 37 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 35.
View Profile
shadowwarrior
I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 38 and 55.
View Profile
Lifechanger_7
I'm a 25 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 30.
View Profile
M0J0
I'm a 34 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 23 and 35.
View Profile
Espavo
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 48.
View Profile
DeeeXx
I'm a 31 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 21 and 32.
View Profile
Stressfree
I'm a 58 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 42 and 52.
View Profile
Gerrie1
I'm a 67 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 60.
View Profile
JustCallMeBwana
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 38.
View Profile
waitingforgodot
I'm a 68 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 53 and 60.
View Profile
contour
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 34 and 39.
View Profile
MysticKitesurfer
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 27 and 36.
View Profile
chester3
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 76.
View Profile
skyandsand
I'm a 31 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
LoveFriendFirst123
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 72.
View Profile
softtail
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 48.
View Profile
GideonVisser
I'm a 30 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 29.
View Profile
Brad88
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
Thebestone1
I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 48.
View Profile
OohCharles
I'm a 53 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
FeaturedProfile
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 54.
View Profile
MLACOME0147
I'm a 55 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 79.
View Profile
gentlebutcrazy
I'm a 58 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
LiveLifeAlways
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 33 and 41.
View Profile
Newdreamz
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 37 and 46.
View Profile
PerfectGentleman_700
I'm a 36 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 39.
View Profile
heartroll
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 60.
View Profile
Woody777
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
RVCZ
I'm a 24 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 24.
View Profile
Dreamzzz
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 45.
View Profile
Gster1
I'm a 64 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
thearchitect1
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 36 and 70.
View Profile
philip_unplugged514
I'm a 62 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 65.
View Profile
letslook
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
Padriac_1974
I'm a 40 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
Abeachboy
I'm a 51 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 38 and 48.
View Profile
B_B_B
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 45.
View Profile
DoctorSpin
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
Duk_880
I'm a 39 year old man looking to meet men between the ages of 20 and 50.
View Profile
Summerstorm_007
I'm a 60 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 48 and 58.
View Profile
Cruisingoldie
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 50.
View Profile
Teddiebeerpa
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
Carden
I'm a 32 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 30.
View Profile
boersoekvrou14
I'm a 39 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 42.
View Profile
Liefasb
I'm a 63 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 60.
View Profile
arew
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 55.
View Profile
Rebelinbluejeans
I'm a 62 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 62.
View Profile
plodof
I'm a 58 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
Kent123
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
Pete_1
I'm a 70 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 65.
View Profile
ch_nb
I'm a 28 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 45.
View Profile
IceDad66
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
saks001
I'm a 61 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 60.
View Profile

Business Directory