QUESTION: I’m 52 and have become friendly with a group of young women in my office. It’s made me realise how early I married and how little I knew about anything. I can’t help feeling that passion has passed me by and I’ve spent 30 years having boring sex with my husband. I long for excitement and one of my new friends says I should have an affair and has even sent me an ad for a dating agency that arranges extra-marital liaisons. Would I be crazy to follow her advice?
ANSWER: It’s one thing to take advice from an older, wiser individual and quite another to take counsel from someone younger and more feckless. I imagine your new friends can’t think of anything more intolerable than being in a relationship where the sex has gone stale.
That’s because they probably haven’t experienced the things in life that are truly intolerable, such as serious illness, the death of a close family member, a financial crisis or emotional cruelty. They don’t realise yet that most long-term relationships will go through times where the sex becomes unsatisfactory. They have no way of knowing the compensations in long-established pairings that can help counter sexual deficits.
When you’re young, you tend to see everything in black and white. It’s easy to say: “If the sex is boring, have an affair!” After all, they won’t live with the consequences. It’s far more difficult to suggest ways in which you might turn your relationship around.
And perhaps that’s not surprising. Most modern women in their 20s and early 30s are in the exhilarating early stages of relationships or working the singles scene.
It’s also true that today’s generation of young women enjoy far more economic and sexual freedom than their forebears. Underneath the bravado, though, I am sure a number of them have their own worries.
When my female friends were in their 20s, many of them felt insecure and anxious that they would never experience the security of a long, loving relationship. The appeal of sexual novelty wears off for many people after they’ve had a string of encounters. They suddenly find they want something more meaningful. Enjoy your new circle of chums, but please don’t treat them as your oracle. Those who have known you and your husband for many years will give better advice. So, yes, it would be crazy to follow such cavalier advice. But it wouldn’t be barmy to address your dissatisfaction.
Just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to have a boring sex life. Perhaps your husband also regrets the fact the fire has gone. You need to be frank with him. Small steps, such as making love somewhere other than the bedroom, can put an end to routines. Make space to court one another anew. Buy a sex manual, such as the Joy Of Sex or, if you’re feeling bolder, The Lovers’ Guide 3D DVD.
Most effective of all would be a joint visit to an accredited relationship counsellor so a neutral third party can mediate your concerns and suggest constructive ways to fan the fires. - Daily Mail