London - One in ten people going through a divorce try to turn mutual friends against their partner, a study has found.
It also said half try to cheat their husband or wife over the financial settlement and seven out of 10 cannot separate their emotions from the process of deciding where their children will live.
The survey by law firm Slater and Gordon added that the majority of couples are too far gone in acrimony to make rational decisions in their children’s best interests, and that many are actively trying to damage their ex.
Based on polling of more than 1 000 divorcees, the study said two out of three people said their divorce had harmed their children’s wellbeing.
Seven out of 10 said they “could not separate the emotions they felt from the practicalities of resolving financial issues and the residency of their children.”
Around half of those asked said they fought their spouse for more than they knew was a fair share of their money and property.
The same number said they thought their spouse would be trying to get more than was fair, so they decided to “fight dirty from day one”.
A third said they went for more than was fair solely to “get one up” on their former partner.
Almost as many, 31 percent, said they did not like being aggressive but felt that they would not get a good settlement unless they took a combative approach.
A minority of divorcees, the survey found, were willing to try to do serious damage to each other or their children to satisfy their desire for revenge.
One in 10 tried to turn people against their spouse “to make them suffer”, while more than a third said they wanted their former husband or wife to suffer because they were suffering.
And one in 10 said they way they had conducted themselves had hurt their children unnecessarily.
Meanwhile, one in seven went to court to try to embarrass their former partner, and the same number tried to persuade a judge that they were a victim.
Liz Cowell of Slater and Gordon said she hoped new government legislation that requires divorcing couples to consider mediation, in which they agree to settle their affairs with the help of a single mutual adviser, would help to calm angry husbands and wives.
“These findings don’t surprise me one bit,” she said. “We have all dealt with clients where one party has let their anger influence their decisions during a separation.
“Often we find that clients coming in here won’t even consider being in the same room as their ex. But after a few months people calm down and see that an amicable separation and mediation can actually be quite a good way of resolving issues without spending a lot of money and heading to the court room.”
But other analysts of marriage said it was hard for couples to rise above their bitterness and that the “conscious uncoupling” style of mutually agreed break-up claimed by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin is beyond the reach of ordinary couples.
Harry Benson of the Marriage Foundation think tank said: “The good divorce is a myth.
“It has been said for years that couples can divorce amicably and minimise harm to their children. These findings blow that idea out of the water.
“It is very hard for people without enormous resources to be quite as amicable as Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Most people find it hard to uncouple consciously without the kind of rancour that harmd the children.”
Benson added: “In fact where couples hide their conflict and behave amicably it can be more damaging for the children, because children do not see the split coming and cannot understand why mommy and daddy do not love each other any more.” - Daily Mail