Related Stories

• I do... but just stay thinner than me!

London - The anger in her husband’s eyes was shocking. Holding their four-month-old baby in outstretched arms, he shouted into the bawling infant’s face: “You’ve ruined my life. I wish you’d never been born!”

For a moment, Mandi Elkin froze. She hardly recognised this man. But to be honest, since Archie had been born she hardly recognised herself. Exhausted, resentful and bad-tempered, it was as if a couple of angry strangers had moved into their home, replacing the easy-going couple they had been before.

Mandi rushed to the defence of her son, grabbed him and quickly packed a bag. “As far as I was concerned my marriage was over. I couldn’t live with this man,” she says.

“But Steve’s words had definitely struck a chord: it was true. To a certain extent Archie had wrecked our marriage and although I wouldn’t have admitted it, there were times when I also wished he’d never been born.”

This scene, played out two years ago at the Elkins’ home in Stafford, is not what most couples envisage as they excitedly await the birth of a much-wanted baby.

The parenting manuals flag up all the usual stumbling blocks: sleepless nights, dwindling libido and ruined social life. But couples rarely anticipate the full impact of a new child on the strength of their marriage.

According to recent research, a couple’s first year as parents presents the biggest threat a marriage will ever face, with vast numbers buckling under the strain. Figures show that divorce rates are highest among people in their late 20s - traditionally the age when couples start families.

The study, conducted by relationship charity One Plus One, found the rockiest patches occurred during a couple’s transition to parenthood, with a worrying number “failing to see the problems” until it was too late.

Such is the charity’s concern at the toll this is taking on families that it has called for new parents to be offered relationship counselling, alongside the usual midwifery and health visitor services, during the first year of their child’s life.

Justine Devenney, the charity’s head of policy, says: “Parental fatigue and anxiety, the need to juggle family and work and the needs of a young baby reduce the time and opportunities couples have to invest in their relationship, leading many to place it ‘on the back burner’ with inevitable consquences.”

Mandi, 34, who works as a sports therapist, says her relationship with husband Steve, 35, a sales manager, was solid before their son was born in February 2009. “Steve and I had known each other almost all our lives. We were best friends as well as husband and wife. I couldn’t see that ever changing.

“I certainly looked to the future with a soft-focus lens; I envisioned us walking arm in arm with the stroller, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, and lying in bed on a Sunday morning with our baby between us, cooing contentedly.

“I read every parenting book available and thought I knew exactly how we could live the life of a perfect family.”

However, the reality could not have been more different. Two weeks after Archie’s birth, the couple found themselves with a baby who seemed to scream night and day.

“We didn’t really know many other parents, so we had no idea if this was normal,” remembers Mandi. “It was awful. We never had a moment’s peace. The doctor said it was colic, then eventually found Archie was lactose intolerant and prescribed medication. It eased poor Archie’s discomfort a little, but Steve and I still struggled to cope.

“We were both exhausted and grouchy and snapped at each other constantly. We rowed about everything, from sex - the lack of it - to whose turn it was to make a cup of tea. I noticed Steve started to invent excuses not to help with the baby.

“I remembered loving him so much, but now we could barely look at each other without an argument. When I looked at my husband I didn’t see the man I’d married, I saw a monster.”

After things came to a head, Mandi fled to her mother’s for the evening. It was here, with some distance between them, that she and Steve managed to think clearly. “We needed help, not a divorce,” says Mandi. “We’d been so focused on Archie’s problems we’d totally neglected our marriage.” Their doctor eventually diagnosed both of them with depression, and they resolved to concentrate on their relationship.

After extensive counselling and medication, and with Archie now sleeping like a log, the couple are back on track.

Yet Mandi still shudders when she remembers that first year. “We assumed the problem was us - now I realise many couples probably suffer, but just don’t admit it. Everyone talks readily about problems with their baby, but never their relationship. I wish someone had told us this was normal and that we’d get through it. I’m so glad we didn’t give up.”

Cathy O’Neill, author of parenting guide Babyproofing Your Marriage (endorsed by actress Brooke Shields) says It’s this secrecy that represents the biggest threat to marriage.”We call it the conspiracy of silence,” says Cathy, a 38-year-old mother of four who has been married for 12 years - not all of them blissfully.

“No one talks about it,” she says. “Having a baby, in the vast majority of cases, is like throwing a hand grenade into your marriage, and there is a sense of shame in admitting it. Women are programmed to put the baby first; the survival of the human species has depended on it, which inevitably places a strain on a marriage. Sex lives suffer, which creates a huge gap. Then there’s the lack of sleep, the poor body image, the lack of social life. No wonder marriages fall apart.

“Women today definitely have it worse than a generation ago. Then mothers probably had the companionship and support of a close family network, but nowadays new mothers can easily feel isolated.

“I remember my husband Mike snapping at me one night when our first daughter was born, that the baby could whimper in her sleep and I would be up at her side, but commented bitterly that he’d have to set the bed on fire for me to notice him.

“It was only when I recounted this conversation to friends that other stories came. What Mike and I were going through was entirely normal.”

The sudden imbalance in roles that a baby creates can rock the sturdiest of marriages. Two people who entered the marriage as equals, intellectually and financially, suddenly find rifts forming when their roles are forced down more traditional paths.

Such was the case with Natasha Smith, a former customer services manager from Tyne and Wear, and her husband Greg, a computer analyst. Natasha, 25, found the transition from wage-earner to stay-at-home mom for their son William very tough, and says their marriage was pushed to the brink.

“I gave up a job I loved when I had William, although it wasn’t something I resented at the time; I’d had four miscarriages before William, so he was a very much longed-for child.

“Greg and I have a very strong marriage. We met when we were just 16 and 18, and before William was born we had a great time, with a double wage coming in and plenty of nights out at the cinema and restaurants.”

What they hadn’t anticipated was the resentment it triggered when Natasha was left holding the baby - quite literally - at the end of another exhausting night.

“Greg took two weeks paternity leave, but on the morning he returned to work, to his nice quiet, civilised office, while I faced a day with a screaming baby, I felt so lonely and helpless.

“If he dared to say he was tired at the end of the day I’d be at his throat. If he sat on the sofa and picked up the newspaper, I felt like killing him.

“We started snapping at each other and I’d end up in tears wondering what had happened to our lovely marriage. I missed my independence, my sense of humour, and most of all I missed Greg and the people we were before we became parents.”

The couple say love and determination kept them going. And four years on they are also parents to ten-week-old Natalie and are determined not to repeat their mistakes. “We learned a lot with William and I think Greg understands my situation a lot more and is better at helping out.

“But most of all we really talk, as equals, in the evening once the children are in bed. We know this is just a phase and we’ll get through it.”

But one mother who didn’t get through it is 52-year-old fitness instructor Jenny. She says: “I was with my first husband seven years before we married, then another seven before our son was born. Before children, we were very happy, which I now know was because I had time to devote myself entirely to my husband.

“Once our son was born, however, my husband felt his needs were being neglected. Most annoyingly, he was hopeless at helping out, snoring undisturbed throughout the night, while I was up round the clock. He even refused to help when I became ill; I was being sick and breastfeeding at the same time. He was no better when our daughter was born.

“I grew so bitter, and we had terrible rows and the marriage fell apart when our daughter was three.”

Ironically, the same thing happened in her second marriage. She married the father of her third child in 1998, but they split in 2006 when their son was six. “Believe me, I tried really, really hard to make those marriages work. Admitting defeat was difficult and it has been a struggle raising them single-handedly.

“Would I still be married if I’d remained childless? It’s a question I often ask myself. Maybe, yes, but then I wouldn’t have my three beautiful children. Basically, I think I married the wrong men.” - Daily Mail

Get our new, free Lifestyle newsletter - subscribe here...