'Will my affair stay secret?’

When you choose a confidante for tales of marital infidelity, pick someone who owes more loyalty to you than your spouse.

When you choose a confidante for tales of marital infidelity, pick someone who owes more loyalty to you than your spouse.

Published Jun 11, 2013

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QUESTION: My husband’s best female friend became a close pal of mine, too. Eight years ago our marriage went through a rough patch and I had a brief affair and confided in her. She didn’t tell my husband, but she’s taken to dropping hints (“our secret” sort of thing) in front of him and I’m beginning to feel emotionally blackmailed. Worse, she’s now divorced and keeps flirting with my spouse, whom she’s always fancied. What do I do?

 

ANSWER: Well, you’ve learnt a lesson the hard way: when you choose a confidante for tales of marital infidelity, pick someone who owes more loyalty to you than your spouse. Yes, she was your friend, too, but only after she’d known your husband for years.

Those early alliances are formative and go deeper than you think. I have watched people separate after decades together, believing they will stay in touch with all their spouse’s good friends.

It’s sadly true that some women are possessive of their male friends and are never totally reconciled to their choice of wife.

Clearly this woman falls into that category. It’s possible she always envied you your marriage and was waiting for you to make a mistake. If her own marriage has proved unhappy and ended badly, she’s likely to feel you don’t deserve your ‘unsuspecting’ husband.

Whatever the truth of her motivation, she is reminding you in the starkest way that she has a strong hold over you.

If you want to erase the power of this woman, confess the affair to your husband. Then tell him you deeply regret what happened and love him more than anyone on the planet.

I admit, however, it’s a high-risk strategy, especially if your husband is a jealous, insecure or volatile type.

Having said that, my observation is that good marriages, with solid foundations, are usually able to withstand one foolish indiscretion - particularly if the person who strayed is truly remorseful.

Alternatively, you could just crouch down and prepare to ride this one out.

Tackling this female “friend” is only likely to make her feel more resentful and hostile, in which case it’s worth sitting her down and saying to her that you made a huge mistake, you regret it every day of your life, but you’d like to draw a line under things. - Daily Mail

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