‘Do I have to date one man at a time?’

Comment on this story
two can play that game . In the 2001 film Two Can Play That Game, sn arrogant career woman plays a series of heartless mind-games with her boyfriend, only to discover that he has a few tricks up his own sleeve.

QUESTION: I'm not in a committed relationship, but I am dating someone (nothing physical). Another guy has asked me on a date, which I accepted. My friends are giving me grief, saying I should date one person at a time and give it a chance to grow. Am I wrong?” - Anonymous

ANSWER: Your friends are good people who are giving bad advice.

Exclusivity is for committed relationships, and since you aren't in one, you shouldn't act like you are. If the guy you're dating doesn't want you to see other people, then he should offer you a commitment and a title. And so you know, if he hasn't asked you to be in a relationship, he's not exclusive to you - and he shouldn't be. He's single.

Here's the thing: What if you date this guy for months, finally ask him, “Where is this going?,” and he comes back with, “I like things the way they are” or “I just want to be friends.” Then you've invested months getting to know someone who's never going to be your boyfriend and you're left disappointed with no options on your plate. You're stuck either sticking with a guy who doesn't want to commit and maybe trying to convince him to change his mind (pointless) or starting over from scratch after months invested and no commitment to show for it. That's a waste of your pretty.

Exclusivity is also a resource. One of the many reasons that men commit, other than “just” liking you, is because they see you have a lot to offer. He knows that if he sees it, other men will notice that too and he doesn't want you entertaining other men. A commitment is an attempt to keep you all to himself. When you give exclusivity away, you're giving away one good reason for him to commit. He's got one of the big bonuses of a relationship (and likely others, too) without actually being in one anyway. What's the incentive here?

I challenge you to rethink what dating is - not a relationship status but an activity. Your goal while doing this activity is to have fun and evaluate the person you're dating to see if you actually like him. That's it. After you've spent a few months - you need to see their ups and, more important, their downs - then you discuss a relationship.

When you meet a man, even if you like him, don't shut yourself off from other men. Keep going out, keep flirting, keep meeting people and going on dates with anyone you find interesting and/or attractive. He is.

The “rules” for dating multiple people are simple:

- DO NOT date two people on the same day (tacky).

- DO be honest if one of the people you're dating asks if you are dating other people. It's generally an unspoken assumption for single people. If you're new to dating the right way and don't know what to say, offer this: “I enjoy our time together, but I'm also exploring my options.”

- DO be exclusive to the person you're on a date with when you are out. That means when he gets up to go the men's room, you don't holler at the guy sitting at the bar. You also put your phone away and don't take calls or return texts from the other men you're seeing. I know, you just thought, “Isn't that obvious?” Actually, no. I've been asked several times if it's OK to do. It isn't. Would you want someone to do that to you?

- DO NOT have sex with more than one person (high risk for sexually transmitted infections) if you choose to have sex with the person you're dating. Dating doesn't automatically mean, “Let's have sex!” It means getting to know people and evaluating them to see if they are a good match. Or just having fun, depending on what you're looking for. Be honest with yourself and your date about what you're looking for. If you're not sure, say so.

- DO recognise that being exclusive is a resource you don't go giving away.

Washington Post/The Root.

* Lucas is a contributing editor at The Root.com, a life coach and the author of “A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life.”

Try our online dating site now...

Get our free Lifestyle newsletter - subscribe here...

Visit IOL Lifestyle on Facebook

Follow @IOLlifestyle on Twitter

sign up

Comment Guidelines

  1. Please read our comment guidelines.
  2. Login and register, if you haven’ t already.
  3. Write your comment in the block below and click (Post As)
  4. Has a comment offended you? Hover your mouse over the comment and wait until a small triangle appears on the right-hand side. Click triangle () and select "Flag as inappropriate". Our moderators will take action if need be.

  5. Verified email addresses: All users on Independent Media news sites are now required to have a verified email address before being allowed to comment on articles. You are only required to verify your email address once to have full access to commenting on articles. For more information please read our comment guidelines