‘He says we don't have chemistry’

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iol life sept 1 one day poster

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In the movie One Day college friends Dexter and Em share one night together, but soon feelings develope on Em's side.

QUESTION: I despaired of finding love until I fell for an old college friend (who had just exited a bad marriage) as we both turned 42. It’s been the most fulfilling relationship of my life and I thought this was ‘it’. Then, two weeks before Christmas, he said he needed space and was worried we didn’t have enough chemistry. I don’t understand how he can’t feel the incredible electricity that I do. How can I make him see how wrong he is?

 

ANSWER: I understand that when you experience burning passion for another person and feel completely fulfilled by them, it seems impossible that they don’t fully reciprocate that emotion.

However, the cruel truth is that it’s entirely possible for one sexual partner’s feelings to be unequal to the other’s. You can have a very fine time in bed without coming close to the blazing intensity of the person lying alongside you. And you can feel guilty or sad, because you know you’re emotionally short-changing your lover.

I know this is not what you want to hear. But if your man has summoned the nerve to tell you how he honestly feels, you’d be ill-advised to ignore that message or to tell him he’s wrong.

You say your man left a “bad marriage”. Any broken union is terrible at the end, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t bliss before things turned sour. This is a harsh thing to say, but you have to consider the possibility that the strongest chemistry your boyfriend has experienced was with his ex. He could easily be mourning what was lost.

The most important thing is that you work out what’s best for you. I can’t see — in the long term — what benefit there could be in staying with a man who doesn’t (or can’t) return your passion. You say you want to make him see “how wrong he is”, but why would you seek to change the mind of someone whose feelings don’t match yours? Isn’t it a fool’s quest, and humiliating to boot?

Hard though it is, it’s best to take your man at his word and give him the space to think. Furthermore, it’s only by withdrawing completely that you can give him the space to miss you. - Daily Mail

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