They say nothing binds couples more than time spent together. And what better time to accomplish that than the holidays? While recreation time provides us with better insight into our partners’ personalities, it also helps us delve into our own issues.

Relationship therapist Stan Bopape said: “Also, the holidays are a perfect time to let your guard down. This means you stand a very good chance of seeing each other in an extreme behavioural mode.”

This was a good exercise if you wish to get serious about your partner, Bopape added. “It is always advisable to occasionally look at your partner with your head not with your heart - there are some basic elements that can make for a pleasant matrimony or the opposite.”

SHARING:

What you will most likely see in your partner is their ability to share. Whether it is just the two of you in a cabin or you are spending time with family, generosity or lack thereof is very easy to notice.

But Sindiswa Mathonsi, a family therapist, cautioned: “You have to accept that it’s your job to educate your partner about what makes you feel most loved. Love your partner how they want to be loved, not how you want to be loved.

“But, that said, every human being has it in them to share and show gratitude. If these are missing, you could be in for a miserable relationship.”

COMPASSION:

Open communication between partners is one of the most important attributes of a healthy relationship.

“Compassionate and passionate communication involves communicating in many different ways: through words, affectionate touches, compliments, unexpected love notes and a true understanding and respect for how such gestures leave your partner feeling.”

DINING ETIQUETTE:

You should watch this long before you introduce your partner to your family or go on holiday. Nothing spoils appetite more than people who have no table manners.

Image consultant Mariette Miller-Zondo said: “South Africa is not especially strict about dining etiquette but basic manners such as arriving on time, wearing appropriate clothes and not touching your nose when eating are important rules.

“Wiser people make themselves exemplary when there are prospective in-laws at the table. They help around before the meal, help bring dishes closer to people who can’t reach. They drink less and take their elbows off the table.

“If your partner does not observe three of the above mentioned, you can be sure they will be an embarrassment when you take them out to meet more important people.”

On the subject of food, some people refuse to eat based on their diet, regardless of the nature of the event.

Mathonsi said: “People who are strict dieters make lousy company and you don’t need to be in the company of someone like that. Rather than judge them at any time of the year, watch them around the holidays. If you cannot let your hair down even in the holiday season, you are simply obsessive.”

HYGIENE:

Everyone wants to be seen with someone who looks and smells nice. A well-groomed person is more attractive to others and will find it easier to make and maintain friendships of all kinds.

But the level of hygiene that affects others in your wake is more important. A partner who leaves trash around him/herself, seldom washes his/her hands and touches their nose and hair before rushing off to touch food is a health hazard.

SENSE OF HUMOUR:

It is usually used to measure the quality of the relationship. Laughter heals.

Mathonsi said: “A relationship with abundant humour is less likely to fizzle out and die. When the laughter ceases the relationship suffers and goes on a downslide. If you want to have more fulfiling relationships you might want to look at how your partner’s sense of humour goes. If they don’t seem inclined to play, play jokes, crack a line or give them the opportunity to dissect or come back. Humour is the tissue oil of relationships.”

DRINKING:

Drinking is almost synonymous with the holidays. How your partner handles drinking is not something you want to learn when in the company of other people.

Miller-Zondo said: “It’s a actually a worrying thing when you put alcohol on the list of things to debate. Other people feel harshly judged, while for others it seems a useless thing to discuss. But this has a ripple effect and can damage a person’s reputation. If your partner becomes a different person after drinking, whether good or bad, you have to know that this is going to be an issue a few months down the line.”

DEBATING:

No one wants to be dictated to and very few things bring to light the real personality of your partner like debating.

Judging somebdy’s character based on one discussion is unfair. But in a debate, people tend to react the same way.

The things to look out for are the ability to hear the other person’s opinion, dissecting it, paraphrasing it so that both partners are on the same page, and an honest, unemotional response.

But, Mathonsi said, “Don’t use judgement on issues of politics, sexism and religion because it is almost impossible for people to be rational when these are on the table.”

SHARING HOUSEHOLD CHORES:

They say conflict over domestic duties and chores around the house is second only to conflict over money in a marriage.

Mathonsi said: “The key thing to remember is not to ask your spouse for help in getting chores done. Asking for help sets the stage for a fight and delay of what needs to be done. When you are with someone who is handy and is in love with you, there won’t be a need for you to even ask. When your partner realises that work is keeping you away from them, they are more likely to come and help. The following time, they will help from the onset, so that you spend more time bonding.”

And it seems, women are not the only ones with issues about partners doing their bit.

“More and more men are complaining that their partners are refusing to do housework, basing it on the fact they are not married.”

ENTERTAINMENT

The choice of entertainment is a big one in relationships. While you may agree to watch television together, what the other partner wants may be totally different from what tickles your fancy.

Mathonsi said: “Compromise is the key here. If your flame thinks their choice of entertainment is more important and has to come before yours, you can be sure they’re selfish.”

SENSE OF ADVENTURE

So much has been said about the benefits of adventure but some people allow fear to stop them from living fully.

“There is fear, and then there is stubbornness, because there’s always something to learn in every adventure. So think about it, there’s a thin line between fear of adventure and grumpiness,” says Mathonsi. - Sunday Independent