QUESTION: I'm sexually jealous of my beautiful 22-year-old daughter. I know I shouldn’t be but I can’t help it. I keep putting off introducing my new boyfriend to her, because my last relationship was ruined by the way my partner kept on about how gorgeous she was. I love her deeply but can’t imagine any man looking at me while we’re both in the same room. How can I deal with this?
ANSWER: It’s a sign of maturity to feel no sense of competition with your children (particularly those the same sex as you). But look at all those dads who try to outdo their sons at football or in business. And it may be Snow White’s wicked stepmother who asks, “Who is the fairest of them all?” but the question can be as painful for a girl’s biological mother in real life.
I am the mother of sons, but my honest female friends with adult daughters confess to feeling pride and love mingled with a sharp pang of yearning for their own lost youth. Those who were particularly beautiful can feel a more painful tinge of envy, too.
However, although your reaction isn’t uncommon, it is not acceptable. Feeling frightened of, and resenting, your daughter’s beauty is going to irreparably damage your relationship with her, and leave you unable to enjoy a romance of your own.
The French have an expression for coming to terms with your looks - bien dans sa peau (happy in your own skin) - and it’s one of the most attractive qualities you can find in a woman: just ask a man. But you are about as awkward in your middle-aged carapace as any woman can be.
You may feel it’s your daughter’s lusciousness that is threatening your relationships, but I can guarantee you it’s your neurosis.
If you behave like an unconfident, self-lacerating mess who is too immature to shut down an imagined rivalry with her child, then that’s what you’ll project to men. Without doubt, your last boyfriend was a bit tactless. But he may have believed you’d be happy to hear him praise your daughter.
After all, most of us enjoy it when people say our offspring are lovely-looking. And you give no indication your daughter encouraged his attentions, so why are you punishing her? She’s your child, for heaven’s sake, and needs you to behave more maturely than this.
I strongly believe one of the arts of growing older gracefully (and happily) is to learn to take pleasure in the general loveliness of young people. This is their moment to bloom - and ours to remember what a strange and uncertain time our 20s were, not knowing if true love, stability or success would ever come our way.
And you can’t hide your daughter from your man for ever.
By behaving this way you’re creating an issue where there is none. If your boyfriend is worthy of you, he’ll see greater beauty in you. And when it comes to sex, experience is a virtue. I’d take an adept over a novice any day, and know plenty of men who’d say the same. Face your fears and take control of the situation, before it takes control of you. - Daily Mail