Cheating has been around for as long as there have been men (and well, others for him to cheat with). With life and technology having evolved, so too has the nature of cheating.
Now cheating can happen just about anywhere. Social networks such as Facebook, MXit and, in Anthony Weiner’s case, Twitter put you in touch with millions of others – anonymously or discreetly.
You can use specific search engines or dating sites to find people to tickle your particular fancy, especially if your partner doesn’t. And you can do this while at work or while pretending to Google a recipe.
A secret life is now almost second nature. Who you are on Facebook doesn’t have to be who you are in real life, blurring the lines of what actually even constitutes cheating.
A friend once told me he does not post his relationship status on Facebook because it would ruin his chance of hooking up with girls online.
“If it’s on Facebook, it’s official. When it’s official, you don’t get any action,” he said.
I have even heard of partners checking up on their significant others by creating fake profiles and spying on them. This normally ends up with an awkward confrontation.
Playwright and actor Roland Perold, who has done plays on relationships and their intricacies, says infidelity has everything to do with one’s moral code but social networks play a role in the modern age.
He also believes what actually constitutes cheating has changed compared to previous generations.
“In the past when you dated someone, it was as if you made a promise to remain monogamous from the beginning. Now it seems there is a period where you first began a relationship before you actually commit. Things, like experimenting with other people, that were taboo are now accepted.”
Sex therapist Dr Eve echoes those sentiments. She believes that as long as there is openness among spouses, there is an acceptance, even when it comes to experimenting with the same sex – which used to be viewed as cheating.
“Anything that is done secretively is cheating; so, if she were doing it secretively, it would be hurtful,” she said.
“When men control the situation, when they are there or have fantasised about a woman kissing another woman, it is not considered cheating, because it is for the man’s benefit.
“Because alternative lifestyles are regularly shown in the public media, reality shows and in pornography, people are curious and see it as almost the next goal to achieve if one wants a sustainable relationship.
“People talk about it a lot, but the fear and stigma around it remain. However with enough alcohol, and a sauna in someone’s home, swinging happens. People see it as an alternative to cheating.”
But there are things people do not consider cheating compared to others. Some do not consider flirting in person as cheating, but see flirting on Facebook as cheating.
“I wouldn’t get angry if my girlfriend was flirting with someone – everybody does it. But if I found her flirting on Facebook or on SMS, I would be angry because that is more personal,” said 30-year-old Freddy Mwila.
Freddy, who has admitted he has cheated but changed his ways, says “it is a way of life – you cannot argue with your spouse when they get caught unless they are honest and upfront with you.
“I once caught my then girlfriend cheating. She told me she was sleeping at home but I went for a walk and caught them having a good time. I confronted her and she said I didn’t have enough time for her. “
Why is infidelity so popular in modern society? Is it because so many celebrities’ infidelities have spread across the news and internet like syrup over pancakes? Could it be due to all the movies and music that detail having affairs, or is it just human nature?
“There is a change in mindset – it is no longer an immediate reason to divorce. Sadly, people tend to see it as a natural part of modern relationships. Many people claim it enriched their relationships as they had to talk about their marriage after finding out about an affair,” says Dr Eve.
“Society has become desensitised, due to sensationalism and incidents involving role models – sports heroes, media personalities – who cheated without suffering much in terms of consequences… or the outcome even looked glamorous: gaining a whole new partner.
“However, it does not minimise the pain caused.”
“I’ve cheated a lot. Every day. Chicks like me; there is nothing I can do. Now I’m a bit older, so it’s not fair, but when I was 16 to 18, one way. If I can get two for the price of one, why not? In Joburg I had one coloured, a Mexican, two white girls, and a couple of others. But even an affectionate SMS counts as cheating to me,” said 22-year old Charles Ndlovu.
These days it is easy to find relationships that have ended due to cheating; it is harder to find relationships that have not.
Celebrities have had their secret relationships publicised in the mainstream media so much so that these stories have overtaken hard news stories.
Movie stars such as Jude Law, musicians like John Mayer and numerous soccer players have all had indiscretions on the side leaked over the years, to the fascination of the public.
The strangest part of cheating is the battle over who is right and who is wrong. When Tiger Woods’s endless string of hoochies on the side came out, there was a huge public divide. Some men and women considered him a pig while others considered him a player and smooth operator.
There is always a divide when this type of situation happens – men and women around the world have a great debate over whether cheating is right or wrong.
“I’m totally against cheating. It is wrong in every way, no matter how you look at that.” said Genevieve Cousins, 16.
“Cheating is just a part of life that we have to live with; it’s unfortunate, but it’s just the way it is. It is in our nature to be like that and to have desires,” said Thomas Wagner, a 23-year-old engineer.
Dr Eve believes infidelity is a part of life and history that will never end and the only thing we can do is watch how people come up with new ways to combat it and to get away with it. - Sunday Tribune
WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT CHEATING...
IT IS IN OUR NATURE:
Many people don’t consider flirting at the bar or while standing in the line buying your groceries the serious offence that it used to be. Back in the old days getting caught having a flirtatious chat with a nice-looking guy or girl at the bar used to constitute a fight out of the Jersey Shore that would end in tears and no more romance. These days you can get away with the chat with the “I was just talking! It’s not like I was doing anything.”
Even using this line is a rarity these days as most of the time it isn’t taken seriously. Many of the people I have talked to consider flirting part of our human nature.
A FACEBOOK ROMANCE:
“If it is on Facebook, it’s official!” Believe it or not, that has become the rationale for the confirmation of a relationship these days. Whether it is said jokingly or not, putting your relationship status on Facebook can limit the possibilities of cheating. Some people don’t put their status on Facebook, allowing them to flirt with others online, even going as far as to set up romps and in the extreme they have online relationships while on Facebook.
WE SHARE A BED TOGETHER:
It happens whether we like it or not. You go out with a friend or a group and you leave the significant other at home. You get home and then blank. You wake up and you are in the same bed with another person. Whether the build-up is different, you will end up sharing a bed with someone. About 60 percent of the people I spoke to said if nothing happened between the two of you, then it isn’t cheating.
THE KISS:
“Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. A kiss can be even more if you mean it.” That was one of the iconic lines from Tim Burton’s Batman Returns film. Many feel that a kiss is still cheating but it is forgivable. In the old days, just a kiss could be a relationship finisher but these days the excuse of alcohol and “it meant nothing to me” is a valid excuse to put it in the past. The new rage of a straight girl kissing another girl isn’t considered cheating, but a repeated kisser is a worrying factor and is often considered cheating.
THE SEXT:
This is considered one of the worst forms of cheating you can get besides actually cheating on your spouse. The secretive and personal nature added to the content makes sexting to any other person than your significant other cheating. If you get caught doing this, expect a fight worse than a scene from 300.