Life with a bad boy

Local singer and actress Kelly Khumalo fell for bad boy Jub Jub and their public tumultuous relationship was fodder for the tabloids. Here they sit next to each other at the start of Molemo "Jub Jub" Maarohanye's murder trial. Picture: Jennifer Bruce

Local singer and actress Kelly Khumalo fell for bad boy Jub Jub and their public tumultuous relationship was fodder for the tabloids. Here they sit next to each other at the start of Molemo "Jub Jub" Maarohanye's murder trial. Picture: Jennifer Bruce

Published Feb 28, 2012

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Sometimes he’s the playa and sometimes he’s the gangsta, sometimes he’s just Mr Cool.

Local singer and actress Kelly Khumalo fell for bad boy Jub Jub and their public tumultuous relationship was fodder for the tabloids.

The late Whitney Houston’s family wanted to ban Bobby Brown from her funeral, rumours abounding that he was responsible for setting her on the path of self-destruction that led to her untimely death.

Yet despite knowing that these bad boys should be off-limits, many women are attracted to them.

“I was immediately attracted to his good looks and his confidence,” says Danielle, 28.

“I didn’t know he was a bad boy. He was mysterious, laid back, and he offered me the job of a lifetime,” says Bianca, 29.

Shelby, 24, recalls that her bad boy was “cocky and hot”.

Psychologist and founder of the Bella Vida Centre, Ilze van der Merwe-Alberts, says: “These men have a strong testosterone attitude, exude confidence and look cool. They are arrogant, self-centred and full of mischief, like naughty boys. Women are attracted to strong manliness and confidence, as well as the challenge to conquer the untouchable or unconquerable. Women who are attracted to bad boys will typically be the good girl, and she usually has a strong need to nurture and look after the naughty boy.”

The need to nurture was definitely what drew Sharon, 49, to Mike. Sharon trained as a nurse and Mike was unlike the usual professionals she normally socialised with. “He had long hair and he was a tradesman. His ‘difference’ attracted me. I ignored the warnings from my friends and family. I felt flattered by his attention, I was slightly chubby and couldn’t believe he was attracted to me. That flattery ended up costing me my friends and the family I hoped I would enjoy,” she says.

So what is it about boys that makes them bad?

“He had an I-don’t-care attitude, a complete disregard for rules and he pushed my boundaries, forcing me to do things I wouldn’t usually do or even consider doing,” says Melissa, 32.

“He was egotistical, short-tempered, materialistic, a rebel and completely self-centred,” recalls Danielle.

These characteristics are echoed by the women interviewed, and confirmed by Van der Merwe-Alberts. “Red flags are selfishness, arrogance, self-centredness, men who are careless with women, men who treat people badly, and men who seem untouchable and seem to get away with murder and everybody allows him to do so.”

When these women realised they had a bad boy on their hands, their approaches to dealing with it were similar.

“I believed that I would be the one to change him. I felt he deserved a better life than the one he’d had growing up,” says Sharon, admitting to a common response by women who feel that the rest of the world doesn’t understand their bad boy.

“I thought I could fix Mike, and when I couldn’t fix him, I thought I could fix myself. Bad boys are bad news,” she says, having spent the best part of almost two decades with Mike, and accepting his manipulative assertion that she was to blame for his drinking and abusive behaviour.

Danielle doesn’t believe that she was responsible for her partner’s behaviour but she says: “I was definitely to blame for enabling him.”

This type of self-centred, aggressive behaviour takes its toll on the women in the relationships. “I realised I was in trouble when Mike broke my cheekbone with a beer bottle, but I married him anyway. I realised I was in serious trouble when our daughter was born and he hit me for devoting too much attention to her instead of to him,” Sharon says.

It took the birth of Bianca’s son before it dawned on her that she was living with a loser.

“After our son was born, my ex-husband was still living his life as a single man. I finally decided I wanted better for myself when he had an affair with his ex-girlfriend.”

It took Shelby five years to realise her bad boy had tired of her. “We had been together for five years and I’d neither expected nor asked him to change his behaviour. He turned around one day and said that he would never marry me because I wasn’t making the effort to learn his home language. It was such a slap in the face.”

Once the women had made a decision to leave their relationships, how easy was it to walk away? “I packed my bags on the night of the Fifa 2010 World Cup final. I never spoke to him again and I added his profile to the site www.dontdatehimgirl.com. He tried to harass me at work, but I said if he didn’t stop I’d get a restraining order,” says Danielle.

Bianca didn’t look back either. “I took my son, the clothes on my back and I walked out,” she says.

Sharon was surprised and relieved when Mike, who was having an affair, asked her for a divorce.

“I was sick of the physical and emotional abuse and what it was doing to me and our children. I immediately agreed, but, being the manipulative sicko that he was, Mike backtracked and said if I wanted a divorce, I would have to file for it; he wasn’t going to pay for it.

“We were married in community of property and I had to sell everything to give him his share. The investments I had to sell set him up for life, but I have the full responsibility of bringing our children up and it is a struggle. But that divorce was worth every penny.”

The heartache didn’t end when the women ended their relationships.

Most women admit to having damaged friendships or lost out on relationships with their families that cannot be recovered.

Van der Merwe-Alberts says the pain doesn’t end with the end of the relationship; after the relationship these women often feel “neglected, low self-confidence and the agony” of a disastrous relationship.

Danielle suggests that the only way to avoid the heartbreak is to avoid the relationship in the first place.

“There are a lot of bad men out there. But what women need to realise is that no man will ever complete you,” she says.

How to avoid bad boys

1. Don’t enter a relationship with anyone if you’re not mentally strong yourself.

2. Don’t think you can fix a bad boy.

3. Examine your attraction to the bad boy. Are your reasons for wanting to be with him healthy?

4. Ensure that you are number one in your life, don’t be content to be sloppy seconds.

5. Listen to the good advice of friends and family who love you. - Sunday Independent

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