QUESTION: I’m the sort of person who has always kept in touch with old boyfriends, and two of them are among my closest pals. This didn’t bother my ex-husband over ten years of marriage, but my new partner finds it very hard to deal with. He says it’s disrespectful that I’m so close to these men and questions my commitment to him. I love my man and the sex is amazing, but I don’t want to ditch my exes.
ANSWER: I always worry when I learn that someone’s new partner - male or female - is attempting to make them cut ties with friends of the opposite sex. It demonstrates emotional insecurity and a troubling desire to control those you love. This is especially true in the middle-aged, who should know by then that friendship is too valuable a commodity to be lightly - and pointlessly - discarded.
The thing is, you know from experience that friendships can outlast the most passionate relationships - even marriages - so you don’t want to go jettisoning those who have supported you in your darkest hours. Nor is it wise of your boyfriend to put pressure on you: your relationship has a far better chance of survival if your new man doesn’t make you drop valued friends.
But this doesn’t have to be an ‘either/or’ situation. If your partner is worth the love you invest in him, you should be able to talk some sense into the man.
The substitution of traditional family support structures with close-knit friendship groups is a relatively new phenomenon and it’s easy to feel suspicious of supportive chums - particularly if they happen to be members of the other sex and you once dated them.
Some people don’t need big friendship circles and are baffled by it in others. They move on when a relationship comes to an end. This type of person tends to find all their emotional nourishment in their significant other and can feel slighted when that single-minded need is not mirrored.
But it would be simplistic to say this is entirely your man’s problem. You need to look at your own behaviour and appraise whether you’ve been scrupulously tactful, or not. Almost everyone feels jealous of their other half’s exes when they’re in a new relationship. Most of us struggle to overcome these largely irrational feelings, but they exist nonetheless.
Look, your partner is in love with you, so it’s only natural that he believes other men are, too.
It’s your job to make him feel top dog and utterly secure in your affections, so that your other ties don’t bother him. Might not the easiest way of achieving this be to ask your male friends round for dinner with their wives or girlfriends, or with some single females if they’re not in a relationship, so they are firmly established as chums. He will feel far more confident about their role in your life if he establishes an accord with them, too.
If you feel uncomfortable about following my advice, I’d suggest your boundaries with these pals are more blurred than you imagine.
The bottom line here is that no one should be made to cull their friends to suit a lover; however, no ardent lover makes their partner feel second-best. - Daily Mail