QUESTION: I have been with my partner for three years.
Seven years ago, he got divorced from his wife of 20 years. They have no children, separated amicably and still have a very good relationship.
Obviously, I’m delighted that there’s no bad blood between them - I think it reflects well on his character, and I don’t have to deal with a bitter ex-wife.
But I find their close friendship, and their casual intimacy, very hard to bear, especially as she isn’t in a relationship.
She frequently calls him for a chat, sends texts at least three times a week and posts him cuttings from newspapers and magazines with little notes that say: “Saw this and thought of you.”
He knows that it bothers me, but doesn’t seem to care enough to put a stop to things.
It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I just can’t help but feel hurt and slightly threatened by the fact that she still has such a significant presence in his life - and, consequently, our relationship. Am I being unreasonable?
ANSWER: No, you’re not. You must feel as though you and his ex-wife have very different ideas about the meaning of the word “divorce”.
In your dictionary, it’s “the end of a marriage, releasing both partners from matrimonial obligations”. She’s got a version that reads: “You’re no longer together, but every time you want a bit of reassurance, get in touch with your ex.” For the record, the first is the accurate one.
The positive side - as you say - is that the reasonable way your man and his former wife split up shows him to be a grown-up.
Clearly, she doesn’t want him any more, but doesn’t really want him to be able to manage without her. Or, more precisely, to get enough love and support from someone else.
However, peaceable the end of a marriage, there’s always some pain and sadness - even a sense of bereavement. If it was his ex who ended things, he may feel reassured that she needs him now. If it was his decision, perhaps her continuing connection stops him feeling guilty.
He appears unwilling to scale back, or even stop, this constant trickle of communication. At least he’s not being secretive. But, if anything, he seems rather proud of what’s happening. He probably finds having two women care about him very flattering.
You have a few strategies to try. You could just ignore it all. The fact that he is telling you every time his inbox pings means he wants a response. Reducing your reaction to a raised eyebrow and a change of subject might well take out the pleasure he gets from telling you she’s been in touch.
Or you could get in touch with her yourself: a few dinners (after which she’ll have to leave you both alone), a text here and there or taking the phone from him to have a chat yourself might curtail her activities.
But remember one simple thing: despite the continuing remnants of their relationship making her feel she’s still part of his life, it’s you he wakes up with, plans holidays with and, of course, sleeps with.
Turn the passion dial to 11. I’m not suggesting you turn the bedroom into Fifty Shades Of Grey, but even cuddles reinforce your partnership - and can’t be replicated in text form. You’re actually with him, and that counts.
Your man has years of ingrained routines to lose; new patterns can’t be learned overnight. But your loving - and tactile - presence will convert him gently where sulks and remonstrations won’t.
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