When the introduction of the internet and then the availability of online dating offered many the possibility of falling in love discreetly and in the comfort of their homes, many took to the concept with alacrity. The idea of falling in love with a stranger was tempting, and that was allure enough for some.
That people would be totally criminal about their identities and intentions was totally unexpected.
According to White Label Dating, a dating service based in the UK, their range of dating sites in South Africa (over 345) has seen huge growth in the past year. Membership numbers have increased by 800 percent while revenue for their dating sites has increased tenfold.
“Old school romance is still alive, but the number of internet dating couples is still on the rise, despite the shocking stories that some live to tell,” says a dating service webmaster Stuart Marble.
“This just tells you about how lonely people are. This phenomenon is not only reflected on dating sites. Network services like Facebook and Twitter are another indication that people want to keep in touch, without necessarily meeting face-to-face.”
But we live in reality. After having a string of fantastic conversations, people want to meet in living colour, eventually. And they do. The results are often more disappointing than not, despite the claims by these sites for outrageously successful rates. Dating sites like match.com, datingbuzz.co.za and flirt.com boast as much as 94 percent success stories, but just how far these relationships go remains a mystery.
“Usually, successful matches just sign off and cancel their membership from the sites without feedback because people get into such unions with a hint of sceptism. We only rely on the praise we receive from the ones who give us feedback. These e-mails are sent by matches, who have been involved for six months or so,” says Stuart.
Many, who have had the experience of dating online, have been left disappointed because people lie in their profiles.
Jeffrey Hall, assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, surveyed more than 5 000 participants in a national internet matchmaking service to determine what kinds of people are most likely to lie during the online dating process. He asked them how likely they were to lie about topics such as assets, relationship goals, personal interests, personal attributes, past relationships, age and weight.
“What people lie about depends on what kind of people they are,” Hall said. “For example, if you’re an extrovert, you might downplay the number of past relationships you’ve had because chances are you’ve had more relationships than an introvert.”
But more importantly, people lie about important matters such as age, weight, number of children, education and income levels.
Zimasa Dakile, 27, a single mother of one, thought she had found her perfect match when she hooked up with a South African, London-based sociologist who promised her heaven and earth.
“We chatted for over a year before he was able to visit,” she recalls. “We were to meet at a restaurant in town and when I arrived, I searched everywhere for him. He kept calling me on my phone, telling me he was also looking but we just couldn’t find each other, until we decided to meet at the entrance. And what do you know… I had walked past the guy over and over because he looked nothing like the man on his profile photo. I was livid because I had been duped. I had spent a whole year on someone who did not exist. I had invested time and emotion to something that was a lie. I’m not about looks, but if someone lies about that, what else can they lie about?”
In the study, men admitted to lying more overall, but women were most likely to lie about their weight. Because online daters hope to meet face-to-face eventually, the amount of lying is quite small, Hall said.
But according to Mthunzi Zuma, 33, an introverted broker who feared some women dated him for his money, women don’t lie as much. “The women I have met on line have been quiet truthful. I met a woman who even told me about her artificial eye. Another one confided to having a criminal record of theft,” he says.
The search, begun in 2008, has left Zuma sceptical about finding The One in this way. “Perhaps the lesson here is for men to be more forthcoming with the truth and for women to not say too much. I mean what are the chances that I would have found out about a criminal record or a moving spleen?”
Internet dating is pretty much like real life dating and the same rules apply.
“Just because someone seems understanding and perhaps they say so in their profiles, it does not take away the fears we already have,” says Zuma.
“I wouldn’t knowingly get involved with someone who has a medical condition that would cost me huge amounts of money. I know this because someone told me they would never date someone with my surname.”
On the upside, Faith Sangweni, 40, is making arrangements for her wedding, which takes place in the next two months. And it’s all thanks to her courage to throw caution to the wind. “I met this guy after many disappointments. In fact, after the death of my husband, I gave love no chance. But in time, I was open to the possibility of meeting a man of good stead. I tried internet dating and we started chatting. Within two weeks, we had met face to face. He was upfront about his intentions and like me, he was widowed and wanted to get married again. I can honestly say that not even my late husband was as romantic as my fiancé. I feel like I have been given another chance in life.”
Sophie Mkhitha, 44, was not so lucky. When she met a man she thought was her knight in shining armour, she did not know the bloke was after her late husband’s money. “He cleaned me out. We only dated for four months but he had borrowed R40 000 by the time I showed him the door.”
There is always an element of criminal danger when meeting new people in any setting.
“People are not always what they seem. Online dating presents similar dangers plus a few more. When using an internet dating service, a few precautions can help limit your exposure to these dangers,” says Stuart. - Sunday Independent
Internet dating rules that will help keep you safe
* Never give out too much personal information at once.
* Never tell someone the exact location of your home on your first date.
* Create a separate e-mail account for online dating. Keep it separate from anything having to do with your personal life, until you get to know the other person better.
* Always trust your instincts. If you ever begin to feel uncomfortable, that could be your clue to leave or to discontinue the relationship.
* Never share information about your finances and guard against those who ask too much about your financial status.
* Those who call at odd hours could already have a family or another relationship.
* When meeting somebody for the first time, it is best not to go alone. Always have a friend nearby, keeping a close eye.
Additional info from ehow.com