London - When I hit 35, not only had I not found a man I could consider spending my life with, I hadn’t even found a man I could stay with for six months without panicking and leaving.
I was convinced I was smarter and more complicated than most men could handle. But, faced with the realisation I would miss out on my dream of marriage and children, I decided to explore the idea that, maybe, my other halves weren’t to blame.
It took two therapists, one life coach, several new age therapies and a lot of self-development books but, three years later, I was a reasonably sorted out woman.
I was also still single, but taking time out from the manhunt had made me realise how much energy it had been robbing me of. I decided Mr Right would have to arrive of his own accord, because I was officially a busy woman with a vision. I’d signed up for courses in coaching and counselling and had the grand plan of helping other women discover their hidden potential.
But when I was ready to set up my counselling practice and began putting the word out that I was looking for clients, the first person who rang up was a man. A nice one, who I already knew through our mutual social circle. He’d driven me home from a party and seemed to be a typical bloke with a good sense of humour.
I assumed he was upset about a messy break-up he’d told me about - how could it do any harm to give him a few sessions and get some practice in?
After one session I realised Mr Easygoing was insecure and complicated - with tons to deal with, including deep childhood scars and anger towards women.
As our sessions continued, I saw a major difference between the way he discovered things about himself compared to the way I had.
For me, counselling had been a sort-of confessional - the place I admitted all the ways I’d been manipulating and hiding things. With him, it was a process of discovery. He would seem genuinely shocked to hear what came out of his mouth, only seeing his issues and real feelings when they were literally upon him.
It was lesson number one (the first of many) in my re-education about the opposite sex. Obviously, it would be selfish of me to keep these enlightening discoveries to myself, so I’m going to share my revelations about men with you...
Men hide their emotions from themselves and us
Women assume that when men hide their issues, they have a secret plan. They don’t.
As women, we know what we are concealing, no matter if later we whine that we didn’t. But, like a dog that has stolen a bone and, as fast as he can, instinctively buries it then promptly forgets about it, men hide their problems from themselves as much as they do from us.
I couldn’t help but feel guilty about all the times I’d hysterically demanded of boyfriends: “Just tell me what you are trying to prove?” I was unable to accept the blank look on their faces, followed by panic, so I bullied them more to open up.
Those hidden bones don’t pop out on demand, but only after some digging.
Men fear the power of their feelings
I thought keeping a diary and bashing pillows if they felt angry would help my clients connect with their emotions. But none of them would participate.
Did you notice I just said “clients”? I put my website up and another man called. My service had morphed into counselling an all-male clientele. It was payback time for my years of man-eating - no more Mr Rights for me, just a lot of Mr Reals. When I asked a client - a quiet, self-effacing sort - why he hadn’t tried my techniques for emotional release, he just looked at me and said: “Because it starts with a pillow and it ends with my flat in pieces.”
I realised men felt worried that if they opened the floodgates on their anger, they’d go so crazy they’d lash out. So while men might not show their emotions, it’s not because they don’t care. In a backwards way, they are trying to protect us from harm.
Expectations weigh heavily on men
But men’s biggest issue is not anger anyway; let’s nip that tired cliche in the bud. Yes, men are fed up - and so, for that matter, are lots of the women I know. But what my time counselling men has taught me most is that women should stop blaming relationship failure on men being angry, and look at why men are grumpy in the first place.
This realisation hit home when my clients tried to seduce me. With one exception, every man made a pass in their first session.
It wasn’t that my work outfit (hair in a bun and a cardigan) was sexy, they were simply testing to see if I expected them to be a “man” - someone who traditionally should take the upper hand.
Men will relax and trust someone only if they know they are not going to have to be stronger than us - but that’s what women tend to unconsciously expect. When I didn’t react to their flirting, they could let go of needing to be impressive.
Men are only themselves when we ask for nothing
The difference was extraordinary. A tense and edgy City sort became boyish and funny; a rugby player who was a lady’s man and bar brawler morphed into a gentle, spiritual sort. And they were not being this way around their partners or friends.
When I suggested my rugby boy bring this other side of his personality to the rest of his life, he looked at me in horror. He’d lose the respect of his friends, his father would be disappointed and girls would think he was pathetic. Even though wearing his “macho mask” drained his energy, dropping it was unthinkable.
Just as many of us feel trapped by trying to live up to the impossible idea of a “perfect” woman, men are angry because they feel trapped by our expectations of how the “ideal” man should behave.
Men are acutely aware of what our idea of a perfect man is and know how much we judge them if they aren’t one.
No wonder so many of my dates seemed intimidated. No matter how friendly I might have seemed, I’m sure they could sense that, on a certain level, I expected them to be able to instantly turn into a protector, a decision-maker, a provider, a sexual predator who would make me feel wanted and, above all, a saviour.
Our need to be saved is what exhausts men the most. No wonder they bury emotions. What knight in shining armour tells you they have had a bad day and asks if they can save you tomorrow, instead?
What men really want
Meanwhile, what is it men really want? To be loved without expectation. To mess up without being judged. To feel emotions at their own pace. And to be allowed the simple privilege of honest talk.
Although not being able to talk about emotions would be alien to most women, some of the men who visited me had reached middle age before experiencing opening up to someone. This is something most females cannot fathom.
My time spent counselling men has showed me that not only had I completely misunderstood men, but I had only myself to blame for my inability to find lasting love. I’d been demanding men be honest as I’d handed them a disguise.
So have all my revelations led to an honest and wonderful relationship at last? I’m afraid not. Programming runs deep.
I’ve realised my chemistry is hard-wired to the idea that men are strong saviours and my new ability to understand they aren’t has left me somewhere I never expected to be - uninterested.
Here I am in the last few years that I have babymaking potential and I’m hormonally flatlining. It doesn’t help I learned men are just as bad as women when it comes to body insecurities. Now, instead of worrying if he thinks I’m too small-chested, I’m noticing he’s sucking in his gut.
But, then again, letting go of my Prince Charming fantasy has led to a real sense of empowerment as I realise maybe I don’t need someone to save me - I am strong enough now to tackle life on my own. Which is starting to feel pretty sexy in itself. - Daily Mail