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If you can find someone who is happy to just hold hands and kiss for a few months (or longer) and who makes you laugh and feel comfortable, I am sure you can progress to a happy sexual relationship.
QUESTION: To the outside world I look confident and successful, so people are surprised I don’t have a partner. But I haven’t had a sexual relationship for nine years, since the boyfriend I was with in my 30s turned out to be a cheat. It took me five years to trust a man again, but when we tried to have sex I was too nervous to go through with it and he called me frigid. Now I am so scared of more rejection I back off when men like me. I don’t want to die without having proper, loving sex again. What can I do?
ANSWER: Yours is a heartbreaking story and the saddest part is you now feel there’s something at fault with you.
In actual fact you’ve had a completely normal reaction to two unusually cruel men. The fact that your boyfriend turned out to be a cheat must have left you reeling with shock and self-doubt.
There’s a tendency to blame yourself for not detecting the lies. Instead, you retreated to lick your wounds and them met another brute, who rubbed fresh salt in them.
Wanting to take sex slowly does not mean you are ‘frigid’ - which is a hateful term, used in my experience only by men who are inept lovers. Who doesn’t feel frozen and withdrawn when not warmed by kindness?
Under the circumstances, your decision to withdraw from the dating arena is totally understandable. Some people protest that the best cure for heartache is ‘getting back in the saddle’, but plenty of souls wonder if the risks are really worth it.
Sexual abstinence is less talked about in our society than sexual intercourse, but many people choose, like you, to opt out of the relationship game for a long time. There is nothing unnatural about waiting until you feel cherished and secure within yourself before risking intimacy again.
Although almost everyone feels vulnerable when they are in bed with a new love interest, it seems to me your confidence has been so badly dented that you would be well advised to get some professional counselling (try the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy’s website).
You might also try talking to some of your closest friends. I think you will be surprised by how many women have similar stories and by how protective your friends will be. Enlist their support in helping your find a trustworthy man. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of vetting from your pals.
I would also advise taking things very slowly indeed and, if you meet someone who seems kind and committed, there’s no shame in telling him your story.
Many chivalrous men actively relish the thought of rescuing a damsel from your kind of distress. There are plenty of men who are versed in relaxation techniques, such as massage, foreplay and old-fashioned conversation.
If you can find someone who is happy to just hold hands and kiss for a few months (or longer) and who makes you laugh and feel comfortable, I am sure you can progress to a happy sexual relationship.
In fact, many say the ecstasy is all the more exquisite for the long waiting time of abstinence. - Daily Mail
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ADP, wrote
you are not afraid of sex, but what sex symbolises to you and within that symbol...trust..your fear is trust, getting laid aint a big deal...the end product will never change..but human beings are different in everyway, hence why our fingerprints are different...you need to find trust...inside you first..from there on..its whoopsy daisy..or do what Charlie Harper does..ensure you are toxicated before being shagged!
yawn, wrote
Anon, wrote
I'v not been in a sexually relationship for almost 8 yrs (after I gave birth to my baby gal), and the 4 months back I gave in on a one night stand sex, but after that I ran like hell I am scared of being in a relationship. the guy I had a one night stand with is calling me every time, but I am scared to give him a chance, is that normal? pleas whoever help.
Eric the Viking, wrote
tebogo i tend to have an ear for what you are trying to say. from my own experience and being a wealthy 50 something in-shape man i have been rounded assaulted by women wanting 'security'. well now, i work my butt off, provide a luxury residence, bring home the bacon and you sit back and enjoy the luxury and while you at it have a little fling with an old 'mate' from harare. then have the audacity to want a divorce and half of my assets - kiss my neat butt end! if you want to be whatever age and sexless good luck to you but stop blaming men for your failures - you are the driver of your life, so drive it. heres experience - women give nothing for nothing, she will have sex with you if she sees an opportunity for security.
Tebogo, wrote
@Diane,my point exactly,men and women need to agree to disagree,we are normaly forced in a situation where we have to pretend we have or can do what is expected or even understand what women are all about just so we can get laid or have peace .The truth is that either a man is genuin or not,we still want s*x,and simply because we dont associate s*x with emotions,we have s*x beacuse we need to do it and it feels good.And its quiet irritating when women go on like s*x is a one way satisfaction thingy
Lesirela Letsebe_Mogorwane, wrote
I usually don't get into debates with topics like this. But some comments have provoked me to share my own views and beliefs in a relationship. As a man, I also would not have gone into the linen if the woman in my life had not only agreed to marry, but had also translated her agreement into a reality when I sent my elderly entourage to introduce me and pay magadi (lobola) to her parents. The linen discussion only became relevant between us post- lobola, when all our respective families knew u about us and our relationship and knew one another as elders. That is my understanding of “security” in a relationship, not the “ADT” perspective. So I share the lady’s frustration and fear of betrayals. Men and women must learn to separate themselves from the behaviour of the he-goats and she-goats which know no boundaries - they can own and be owned by any sexer or any sexed goat. I hate promiscuity regardless of the perpetrator’s sexual lineage.
FreeSpeech, wrote
Why do people only want to have one partner if they can have lots? The one women and one man times are old fashion. Tebogo you need to get over yourself.
Diane, wrote
Tebogo, I think you have misundrstood @Anonymous :-( I think that women are emotional beings are commit emotionally b4 they commit sexually (in general) that is why they want the relationship security. It is a big deal for a woman to give her body ...
Anonymous, wrote
@ Tebogo you are clearly from the dark ages or you one of those guys who just doesn't have a clue for you to say that men are ONLY here to love and sex us and definitely NOT for security purposes, clearly indicates your level of knowledge or lack thereof when it comes to healthy relationships.
Tebogo, wrote
@Anonymous,you have serious issues...and trust me its not men,the problem is you. With any human being there is no guarantee,so if you looking for security then call ADT,men are there to love you and sex you,but defntly not for security purposes
Anonymous, wrote
The saying goes that for men it is difficult to understand or know what women want? Hence (the late)Lucky Dube's song lyrics that say: "I know, what women want, I've been around for a long time to understand it" is interesting to say the least! For this one, I'd agree with @Jean's views, especially "looking at herself" bit?! I had a worrying experience when I met this nice lady with 2 grown kids! After few months of our relationship, we started having sex and we really adored each other! But after few months, she was not sure if she had conceived, we talked about doing home test, she was a bit reluctant and in fact never gave me an answer about it, but turned out that there was nothing. But she started withdrawing and then suggested that maybe it has been some time that she had been alone, she would "need some space to reflect on herself", I would stop calling, sending smsses, bbms etc on a daily basis! I was scared and asked her to spell it out for me, what it is that she wants, or to end it right away to which she said there was "nothing wrong" with me, its just her that she needs to deal with, but after few months again when I called she said now that nothing had happened in the period of cooling down, it means we can manage staying apart - that was a shock of my life, for the woman i loved so much and thought I was focussing on her! I'm still puzzled as to what really happened, we do chat from time to time, but i must admit i got to stage when I realised if i worried too much on the hurt, I'd destroy myself, why not ignore and learn to forget this ever happened to save myself? Maybe with proper communication something better could have resulted? I would like to hear as to what realy happened here?
DirrtyDan, wrote
The advice here is typical of the spineless, politically correct rubbish we read everywhere these days, Rowan. (Grow a set please) Every last one of us are where we are in life because of the choices we make. The only proviso is that we take responsibility for these these choices and actions. If you choose to not have sex with "someone you trust" then you need to expect that there will be repercussions. He labelled you as frigid, probably because you never told him at any stage what was going on. The sooner women realize that men are not mind readers and cannotwill not figure out the intricate web of unreal emotions you numb yourself with, the sooner this world will be a better place...
Karen, wrote
@Jean, you have no idea what you are talking about here. I fully understand where Anonymous 08:44 is coming from and is so nice to see that there are still morals out there!
busani mhlanga, wrote
the issue lies with you why do you live a life of comparing your previous flopped romance to the newly found, to me its like when you felt in love with this guy you had not seen anything good about him but you just wanted replacement or a man in your life if you were really heart taken you would love evrything about him including romantic cantact. feel him in your heart you will eventually feel him in your veins. take it natural it will work.
craig, wrote
Now the thing is that exclusively linking sexual intercourse and intimacy is not right. Yes they have a link however its not exclusive. For most women there should be intimacy for sex however this is not a hard and fast rule. In the society that we live in - all the guidelines are changing. Each person can and should dictate their own pace to which they choose for sex. Its their right and choice based on how they feel. Probably the first and foremost question is that does this women know herself and her body to be able to relax instead of wanting a man to do that without knowing herself.
Jean, wrote
Mmm maybe that advice isn't quite a sound. Ever considered the possibility that she is indeed rather frigid (which could explain her straying boyfriend; and most women can fake sex at least once). Nothing wrong with that, of course. Alternatively she may have serious psychological hangups about sex in which case instead of looking for the first random 'chivalrous' man, she should rather seek out a sexuologist, shrink or tantra teacher. Just IMHO. Of course she might just have had bad luck with the first few men in her life but perhaps she should take a look at herself as well.
Anonymous, wrote
I can totally relate to how she feels at my age of 36 yrs old where I have chosen to rather be alone than allow myself to ever be ''used'' again! While many women have no problem with casual flings or whatever one wants to call it, many of us get to a point where we feel ''I just cannot keep doing this to myself'' and we choose to abstain until we feel the relationship is secure enough or wait until he is ready to make a real commitment before intimacy!
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