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Help - my husband wants more sex!

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iol life champagne glasses

.

Keep the champagne on ice because it's time for some loving...

QUESTION: My sex life with my husband has always been pretty predictable and staid. We’ve been together for 17 years and for most of the past ten we’ve tended to have sex on Saturday nights (almost always in the missionary position).

In the past few months, however, my husband has suddenly suggested new positions, has wanted sex mid-week and has started sending me flirty texts. I’m so startled I don’t know what to think. Part of me enjoys the change - but my closest friends have always said that if your partner does something new in bed, he’s having an affair. Should I think the worst?

ANSWER: I find it’s far better for your blood pressure to think the best before you dwell on worst-case scenarios. If you have no overall intimation that your husband is being unfaithful, then I doubt very much that he is.

Any man who is neither a serial adulterer nor a total idiot (I presume you’ve known him long enough to dismiss both charges) would be unlikely to rush home after a tryst and try out new tricks on his spouse.

Indeed, the cunning male (the serial adulterer) would know that women are suspicious of innovations in bed, so would studiously keep his bed routine unchanged.

Meanwhile, a husband who is racked by guilt at his deceptions would be too terrified to begin to confuse you with his mistress.

Anyway, in my observation, a sudden loss of interest in sex or a sense that your husband is absent when he is present (and always on his mobile phone or sending texts), are far more reliable predictors of infidelity.

I can think of only one woman I know who discovered her partner’s infidelity while they were in the throes of passion - and that’s because he called her by the wrong name.

I would suggest there are far more likely reasons for your husband’s new erotic practices.

You say that your sex life has been “predictable and staid”. Well, I imagine your other half has been thinking that, too.

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut after many years together, but that doesn’t mean you don’t regret it. Perhaps a desire for change has been building in him for some time.

As I am always writing, middle-aged British men are among the most reticent males on the planet: the thought of browsing a shop looking for sex manuals just does not sit easily with them.

But in recent years, with the advent of the internet and increasingly user-friendly technology, a whole new world has opened up to them.

The shyest man can find a raft of sexual inspiration online (and, no, that doesn’t have to mean they are accessing pornographic sites).

You can access tips from the Lover’s Guide online, most magazines (such as Men’s Health) put tips on their sites and you can order books, such as the updated The Joy Of Sex from Amazon or for your Kindle, without having to blush in front of a shop assistant.

I think many people in what we now call middle youth look at those in their 20s and think: “I want a little of that freedom.”

Discovering the frisson of sending tender, erotic messages to one another with the push of a button is just one of the joys of owning a smart phone or computer.

I know of one couple in their 60s where the husband, who is a classic, buttoned-up British male, has suddenly taken to “sexting” (sending sexually loaded texts) to his wife, simply because he can write something in a text that he could never say aloud. His wife told me: “I never thought it possible that we could open up a totally new erotic avenue at a time when we’ve started collecting our pensions.”

You are clearly inspired and delighted by your husband’s new moves - even if they make you feel some trepidation.

Couldn’t you tell him that you’re thrilled to find your sex life revitalised after nearly two decades together and maybe ask him what inspired the changes?

If you demonstrate that, indeed, you are interested in new boudoir tricks (and don’t immediately accuse him of having an affair), he is likely to open up and tell you his motivation.

It seems to me that both of you felt the same ennui about your sex life, but didn’t dare tell one another for fear of seeming critical - which is often true of long-married couples who adore one another.

In the unlikely event that your husband is shifty and evasive when you ask him how he sourced his erotic innovation, then you would be wise to be a bit more suspicious about him.

But, as things stand, I would advise you to stock up on champagne and new lingerie, and enjoy this renewed passion.

Carpe diem - and stop carping. - Daily Mail

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Anonymous, wrote

IOL Comments
12:52pm on 11 August 2011
IOL Comments

Where do you read that it was the woman's idea to have sex once a week? It's also just assumed that she dictated the position...I just wanna wish them both "Happy Awakenings" and to enjoy it while they can. And to those who likes to point fingers....u'll get what u deserve at the end of the day!

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Makhosini, wrote

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12:06pm on 11 August 2011
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What are we saying is the solution? Do we make cheating the norm or we are saying to our wives, catch us if you can? To me, it is a vicious circle and two wrongs do not make a right. Cheating or extra marital affairs compromise marriages and it takes time in terms of healing the wounds of betrayal, which are worst than all forms of abuses.

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rica, wrote

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11:54am on 11 August 2011
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My simple question is that was the complainant happy with the sunday one round missionary arrangement that she came up with? and if so, she deserves the pain she feels of having to think the husband is cheating. And if she were to resort to cheating herself then she is the most selfish woman who just does not know what she wants in life, and I hope the husband dumps her and a "roll on" gets her pregnant with sextupets. That's why I hate marriages...women often marry men to keep as their trophies, and expect a happy family in return....I mean, a missionary position one day a week is totally ridiculous

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Dreamer, wrote

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11:52am on 11 August 2011
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I agree with you 100% Charles good for you!

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Dreamer, wrote

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11:44am on 11 August 2011
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I agree with you 100% Charles good for you!

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Charles, wrote

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11:30am on 11 August 2011
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@Dreamer,The difference is that we men do it for self-gratification,no emotions attached and we dont need to remember the names and yes we love our wives no less. Which is something i cant say about women.WE DONT CHEAT CAUSE WE LOVE YOU LESS,AND NO WE DONT LOVE THE OTHER WOMEN,AND NO YOU WONT FINDOUT ANYTIME SOON (Atleast not from me). Just be happy you dont have to pretend to have a headache anymore.

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Dreamer, wrote

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10:48am on 11 August 2011
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I have to say, husbands and wives will only cheat if they are unhappy. We have all once entertained the thought of infidelity. Acting on impulse, circumstance and opportunity are all the right ingredients. @ Lee so what if the wife found out about John's hourly affairs. Either the wife dumps him and repeats the same mistake or tries to understand were they as a couple have failed. The same goes for a husband who finds out about a cheating wife.

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Sexy Mama, wrote

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10:47am on 11 August 2011
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Lady, if your hubby has found a renewed passion for sex after all these years together, u should be enjoying it and swinging from the chandeliers, not writing to anybody with worry. U have been together for 17 years, that is a long time, and if he can feel so excited about making love to u, the least u can do is enjoy it! Most ppl would envy ur uhm, position right now. Life is too short, Live Life, Love Hard & have sex like ur doing it for tv!

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Charles, wrote

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10:38am on 11 August 2011
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@Lee,duh!that the whole point that she does not find out,as its for her own benefit. Women turn to be made happier by things they think they know rather than things they actually know,so yes,we men know whats best for you. And for your info,a lot of men do have "weekly workouts",and count your man in aswel....believe it or not

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Lee, wrote

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09:29am on 11 August 2011
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@John, I wonder how HAPPY your wife would be if she knew about your "weekly workouts" with you "one hour girl-friends"!

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Makhosini, wrote

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09:11am on 11 August 2011
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I think that maybe if the wife shared her concerns with the husband, the answer would be different. I have realised that most of the time, assumptions kills passion in relationships, especially in some marriages as well as quiet diplomacy. Couples are scared to ask and resort to what is termed the sixth sense or intuition, which leads to disastrous results.

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dikie, wrote

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09:09am on 11 August 2011
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your husband is only trying to please you. allow him to because there are lots of women out there who wish they are in your shoes. my boyfriend comes up with new stuff every now and then and i am also allowed to make suggestion that is what love making is all about. relax and enjoy you have a great husband.

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John, wrote

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09:06am on 11 August 2011
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I agree with Antonio. When my marriage hit the rocks because my wife became a prude after a year I begun booking escorts through sites like he mentioned. At first I was apprehensive and felt guilty, but now it's like going out to buy bread and milk. Now I receive a good workout once a week and wife is happy without my nagging for more.

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Anonymous, wrote

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08:56am on 11 August 2011
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GIVE THAT WOMAN A BELLS....cos after this article that's as close as she is gonna get to his klokke

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Anonymous, wrote

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08:41am on 11 August 2011
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that's so boring and uncomfortable....guess she's the one who rolls over and falls asleep after the missionary position for 10 years....don't call it sex....you're married...it's making love....it's never enjoyable if it becomes a scheduled thing...catch or wake up before rust starts setting in....

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marriage, wrote

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08:40am on 11 August 2011
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If a married man wants sex he is a pervert, if doesn't he is an impotent bastard. Marriage is a sure passion killer.

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Brilliant Mbatha , wrote

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08:33am on 11 August 2011
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Mam believe in yourself and accept that in life there must be changes. so enjoy what you getting as long as it satifies u. Please dnt have negetive attitudes towards it because u will end up frustrated.

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Antonio, wrote

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08:06am on 11 August 2011
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This woman deserves her husband's infidelity if she only puts out once a week and only does missionary. It's seems she is the cold fridge tart in this story. I'd suggest he shops around on forums like sapunters . co . za and finds a working girl who does all those naughty things his wife wont do. One hour girlfriends saved my marriage because I could explore my sexuality freely, while still loving my wife.

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peanut, wrote

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07:50am on 11 August 2011
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typical of women to think his having an affair because of a new position.thats why men are scared to try new positions because of they why women think. Us men read daily on the internet adverts that direct us to sex eg new ways to please her,kamasutra,blow her mind away , be honest and ask your self how did you end up reading this article,stop believing negative woman because the only reason why she doesnt trust her husband is because somebody on bold and the beautiful is screwing around and thats what makes them insucure , ENJOY allow us to PLEASE you!!!!!

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I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 35.
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bellagio
I'm a 69 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 65.
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Fairtalk101
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 37.
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Geard1977
I'm a 37 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 26 and 40.
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RVCZ
I'm a 24 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 24.
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arew
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 55.
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M0J0
I'm a 34 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 23 and 35.
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TheRisingSun
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 40.
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Boereman
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 52.
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Liefasb
I'm a 63 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 60.
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Thebestone1
I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 48.
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Abeachboy
I'm a 51 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 38 and 48.
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B_B_B
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 45.
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happymaker66
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
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Pottie16
I'm a 44 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
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JustJve99
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 45.
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saks001
I'm a 61 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 60.
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Kawa1000
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 50.
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MysticKitesurfer
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 27 and 36.
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Gerrie1
I'm a 67 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 60.
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thesaltofthesea
I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 50.
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DeeeXx
I'm a 31 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 21 and 32.
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GideonVisser
I'm a 30 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 29.
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Rich_H
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 48.
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derrick_654
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 50.
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cornrlius205
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 50.
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longingforu
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 38.
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ch_nb
I'm a 28 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 45.
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polar1970
I'm a 44 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
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WanderingShadow
I'm a 39 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 20 and 40.
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Banker009
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 34 and 49.
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Determined_69
I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 47.
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Cruisingoldie
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 50.
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deeptime
I'm a 53 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 48 and 58.
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JustCallMeBwana
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 38.
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audiess
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 39 and 64.
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PaulA79
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 40.
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Mais_171
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 55.
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Eugene053
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
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Kent123
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 60.
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