QUESTION: I am pregnant with my second child, which my husband and I are both thrilled about. The problem is that while it took us two years to conceive our first, this time it happened on our first try. My husband is disappointed - after many weary sexless nights when our first child was a bawling baby with colic - that he’s missed out on months of ‘baby-making’ sex. I am tired, my hormones are going haywire, my two-year-old is demanding and I can’t cope with my husband’s demands as well. What should I do?
ANSWER: I know exactly how you are feeling. When you fall pregnant with your second child and have a toddler, you tend to feel: job done, tick; now give me an armchair, Mary Poppins and some cake. It’s not the natural time to reach for slinky undies and your copy of The Joy Of Sex.
There are women who never feel lustier than when they are pregnant and tending infants, but many of us don’t fall into that category. I felt sick from week eight of both my pregnancies right up until the day each boy popped out. To say sex was the last thing on my mind is an understatement. Your letter makes me wonder how I would have coped had my husband been mustard-keen to hit the sack - but he was as exhausted as I was.
I can see how your husband’s desire feels like an imposition when you need to put your child first. Not only that, you’re weary, and your hormones dictate sleep rather than sex. However, you wouldn’t have written to me if you didn’t think it might be insensitive at best, and dangerous at worst, to ignore your husband’s advances.
By ‘dangerous’ I don’t mean that your spouse will seek comfort elsewhere. I am sure he’s not that shallow. But some fathers can feel ousted from their share of love.
They often interpret an unwillingness to have sex as a sign that they are last in the pecking order. They’ve all seen male friends who sleep in the spare bedroom because their wife has the baby in the bed and this scares the pants off them.
I would like to dismiss these fathers’ worries as baseless, but, if I look at my wider acquaintances, it’s true to say that the small-child years are when the fault-lines appear and sometimes the tensions over sex (or rather lack of it) tear apart the marriage.
I’m amazed by how many moms behave like ostriches over the issues. Maintaining good communication and some sort of love life is a very effective way of avoiding the worst ructions.
You need to tell your husband you commiserate with his dashed hopes. Understanding your partner’s point of view and making it clear you don’t find it outrageous is a step towards harmony.
Perhaps he could arrange some child cover (a willing grandparent?) so you could take a weekend away. And perhaps there are things, like gentle foreplay and massage that he can do to help put you in a more amenable mood.
Compromises and mutual kindness are what make relationships work.
The thing to remember is that while the small-child years seem interminable at the time and the problems appear insurmountable, they’re over in the blink of an eye.
There’s plenty of time thereafter for lots of non-baby-making sex. - Daily Mail
I have 2 kids and yes i is hell until I learnt that this is share responsibility. Hubbies that help and all for relaxation get more fulfiment. So help out and massage feet and ur woman will have more energy to keep you happy. Sadly ladies can't have out cake and eat it. In the early stages we do not want the intamacy and our partners dont' appreciate the changing you, then later u fel like an elephant and frumpy - let the intacy evelve with you then you will feel loved through out. @kaydee: Please share your secret.. a lot of woman pregnant or not can still learn. @Hobe: intemacy and orgasms does not have to invlove penetration. Hope you still experience the joy of being together the hormomes released when you experience this intemacy increases your joy and oulook
@sputhink u hit the nail on head, women are looking to make their babies, financial stability and good life
I think it would be best if the wife told the husband it's ok to get some takeout..
Wow Sputnik, you have a pretty nasty outlook on relationships. Have you considered that it's not women who's at fault, but rather the woman you date andor marry? Some of us love sex, and have more than enough money of our own. Maybe you present yourself to a woman as her financial saviour in order to catch her. It will work on certain women, but then don't be surprised if that's all they were after in the first place
why do people get married then, if all they do is complain that it's not working?
And the argument about the woman doing all the child minding activities causing fatigue, resulting in a lack of interest in sex holds no water. There are many, many men who do most of the nocturnal care, AND hold a full time job during the day who are denied intimacy. It is a genetic program in most women that sex is a means to a (material) end, not an indication of physical attraction to a man. Sorry but love is all about money. Start to understand this and you can start to understand the origins of spousal abuse (from both sides) and whilst acknowledging how despicable (from both sides) it may be.
I'm not talking about the woman's pov whilst pregnant. It's after the babies have been born when the woman decides she has what she wants from the marriage, that there seems to be an internal cut-off. Mr Good-Enough becomes Mr Yuck. Twice a week becomes never-in-your-life. That is until the divorce and the next Mr Good-Enough comes along, and the whole process gets repeated. For most women sex is all about making babies, getting money and material things. Once that has been realised, Why bother - turn it off. For "most" women "love" is just an evolutionary tool to get the best for them and their children. After that the husband has served his purpose and must just keep them living in the manner to which they have become accustomed (married or divorced). Sorry if you find this POV offensive, but look around you. It's reality.
@Mindless - If I get 2 a week with my wife then I am happy
Until any man has been pregnant and knows how uncomfortable you feel, you will NEVER understand a woman's point of view! You try having sex while parts of your body are swollen, see how that works out for you! @ mindless while the poor woman is busy making her hubby happy, who is making her happy, cause sex with him is certainly not!
I am 5 months pregnant and the sex hasn't stopped. In fact I am enjoying it more. We have a 1 year old who sleeps through our antics and hubby is happy and satisfied!
Woman also need breathing space, looking after two small kids is a lot of work and very tiring, do some of you think woman dont like sex, we love sex, but we are human too, we get tired , we need help with the kids, if those duties are shared, then there will be time for each other, does the hubby only show interest when he wants to get lucky, woman need comfort and understanding , give her that and you will get lucky
unless you're in her position you shouldnt be making nasty comments because it was my husbands inability to compromise and selfish attitude that ended our marraige and I was exactly in the same position she is in now
She just complain about one kid she cariers. Whatabout an Indian woman who conceived and gave birth to eleven kids?
@ Anonymous, wrote
lolest nice suggestion, but i think nothing is as good as the real deal - the hands and mouth can only hold up for so long.....maybe just long enough for the baby to be delivered, nothing beyond that!
i dont know why is it so difficult for women to understand that pleasing your hubby is intimacy in all styles and angles...i mean 1 round in the morning and 1 round at night as she is pregnant...the man is happy...thats all it takes!
Reminds me years ago on the Talk Back Sex Show on 702, when a chap phoned in saying that his wife was no longer interested in sex after the birth of their child. When the host of the show asked him for how long has this been a problem, he answered, since three days ago when she came out of hospital.
my wife is in her last month now and we not making love at all, due to complecations and her friends keep saying she must try, I'm scared based on the complications she had when she was 7 months, she almost delivere the baby before it's time and the Dr's manage to stop that with Tables and two injections and since then I do not want to touch her.
There is nothing wrong with your hands and mouth.
sadly thats precisely what snuffed out a good friend's marriage....really sad! some women turn inward and their only attention is towards the baby, goodbye marriage!