What's NEW on Zando?

Shop our latest arrivals for shoes & apparel now!

‘Mismatched desire is the burning issue’

Comment on this story


heart on bed sxc

sxc.hu

Once they find someone who takes their fancy, he or she can strike a deal on the accommodation front.

Sydney - Bettina Arndt, psychologist and best-selling author of The Sex Diaries, has enraged some fellow Australians with her view that marriages might have been stronger before women gained the same rights not to have sex that men always had.

“Mismatched desire is the burning issue,” she said. “It's what's filling the waiting rooms of sex therapists all over the world. I've spent half my life hearing from sex-starved men and the women saying 'Oh, do I have to?'“

Question: In the 1960s you were in the forefront of the feminist movement and marriage was seen as good for men but bad for women. Is the opposite true now?

Arndt: Women often have a long shopping list of things they want from their husbands and it isn't easy for the men to meet those expectations. So most marital separations are now instigated by women - across the Western world - when men fail to come up to scratch.

Men are very aware that they stand to lose out if the marriage ends. They're often hit hard financially and lose their children. So many try hard to please their partners even though they might not be getting much in return. A lot of men are in marriages where they get very little sex.

Q: Would lower expectations of marriage help?

TheSexDiaries2

The Sex Diaries

.

Arndt: I think it would help if women didn't expect their men to tick so many boxes. They want a soul-mate, a man who'll reveal all his feelings but still be prepared to rush into burning buildings and squash spiders and cockroaches. It's a big ask.

Once wives were happy to interpret men's behaviour from the way their husbands behaved. Now she wants to know what's going on inside his head. But many men aren't very good at regurgitating all their emotions.

Q: You say a big issue is lack of sex.

Arndt: Back in the 1950s sex was part of a wife's sexual duty. She felt some obligation to make love with her husband. Now many women seem to believe that if they don't feel like having sex it needn't happen.

In my research, where couples kept diaries about how they deal with differences in desire, there were men who had gone for 10, 20 years with no sex in their marriages. The problem is that many women spend years with no spontaneous desire, so unless they're willing to start making love without initial desire, their sex life grinds to a halt.

Q: You urge women to recognise a “very fragile, easily distracted libido” isn't a block to having sex and to just to get on with it.

Arndt: I'm talking here about new research by Canadian Rosemary Basson who has been conducting research on women who have no libido.

Basson found many of these women report that even if they have no initial desire, if they start making love and are with a man who knows how to please them, and can get their head in the right place to anticipate pleasure, they do go on and enjoy lovemaking - desire kicks in, they become aroused and reach orgasm. This is the 'just do it' idea.

Q: So both partners don't need to feel desire?

Arndt: I'm suggesting that the low desire partner - male or female -needs to think about the impact of constant rejection on their partner. So men who aren't interested in sex need also to “just do it” - to make love to their partners to make them feel wanted and loved. And men don't need desire, don't even need erections, to give a woman sexual pleasure.

Q: There doesn't seem to be a backlash from men unhappy with their marriages.

Arndt: Unfortunately much of the public debate about social and sexual issues is conducted entirely by women - at least that's true here in Australia. Men have dropped out of the cultural debate because they're silenced whenever they speak openly about their needs or how they're being treated by women. I receive constant criticism for being an apologist for men. Even to defend men means you receive a lot of abuse. - Sapa-dpa

Get our free Lifestyle newsletter - subscribe here...


sign up
 
 

Comment Guidelines



  1. Please read our comment guidelines.
  2. Login and register, if you haven’ t already.
  3. Write your comment in the block below and click (Post As)
  4. Has a comment offended you? Hover your mouse over the comment and wait until a small triangle appears on the right-hand side. Click triangle () and select "Flag as inappropriate". Our moderators will take action if need be.

     

nads42
I'm a 42 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 58.
View Profile
bluemon
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
supe24
I'm a 34 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 65.
View Profile
AGX
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 44.
View Profile
Gem24
I'm a 24 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 40.
View Profile
findmemyman
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 50.
View Profile
Stiletto1
I'm a 53 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 57.
View Profile
PhoenixLin
I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 42.
View Profile
iamclassy
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 65.
View Profile
Duifie038
I'm a 45 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 50.
View Profile
Veronica2477
I'm a 38 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
OneWay
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 47.
View Profile
Comet43
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 52.
View Profile
love_passionately
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
Stella143
I'm a 35 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 45.
View Profile
AmaJ
I'm a 44 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 42 and 50.
View Profile
DaffodilTulip
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
Athena
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 37 and 45.
View Profile
Lilakii
I'm a 21 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 20 and 33.
View Profile
Sugababe
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 32 and 42.
View Profile
TenderMoments
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
AH1974
I'm a 40 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 48.
View Profile
Cymbidium
I'm a 47 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 47 and 60.
View Profile
ASJ
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
Sunshine_again
I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 43 and 58.
View Profile
LilaBlom
I'm a 23 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 23 and 33.
View Profile
Lulu_101
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 45.
View Profile
butterflykisses14
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 31 and 51.
View Profile
This_is_m3
I'm a 45 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 50.
View Profile
Ninks
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 42.
View Profile
RiaStar
I'm a 35 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 32 and 40.
View Profile
Cat007
I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
Hyla54
I'm a 54 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
ThisIsTheRemix
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 31 and 41.
View Profile
ioio
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
classyuptowngirl
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 48 and 65.
View Profile
xine_414
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
BMull08
I'm a 19 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 19 and 30.
View Profile
KayBee75
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 49.
View Profile
Wonderer_0202
I'm a 42 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 58.
View Profile
itu22
I'm a 22 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 37.
View Profile
GirlInterruptedNow
I'm a 41 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 38 and 45.
View Profile
Magnolia52
I'm a 52 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 65.
View Profile
honkytonkwoman
I'm a 58 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 55 and 64.
View Profile
_Alwayssmiling
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 41.
View Profile
Blondie953
I'm a 38 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
Bluebell531
I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 40 and 60.
View Profile
sportliefhebber
I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 31.
View Profile
NY25
I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 30.
View Profile
thrillsandfrills
I'm a 40 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 41 and 45.
View Profile
Sosialemeis2
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 46.
View Profile
Vinnette
I'm a 52 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
Gypsey4Life
I'm a 51 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 62.
View Profile
bon1bon
I'm a 35 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 29 and 40.
View Profile
blondgirl
I'm a 57 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 53 and 60.
View Profile
CC82
I'm a 32 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
MustLoveDogz
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 33 and 43.
View Profile
Abs
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 40.
View Profile
Lady_143
I'm a 33 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 40.
View Profile
Livs_89
I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 38.
View Profile
Belind4_M
I'm a 19 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 19 and 30.
View Profile
MademoiselleMyGirl
I'm a 30 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 40.
View Profile
Kosmos075
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
Pretty_Nerd
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 28 and 38.
View Profile
dreamsoftly
I'm a 49 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 47 and 58.
View Profile
lookingsexy200
I'm a 36 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 45.
View Profile
Dreamer1987
I'm a 27 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
pesin15
I'm a 38 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 18 and 100.
View Profile
Rarefind
I'm a 54 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 52 and 63.
View Profile
Foreverinhope
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 56.
View Profile
Maybeperhaps
I'm a 40 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 33 and 44.
View Profile
Gem31
I'm a 24 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
FairyLady
I'm a 51 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 47 and 70.
View Profile
HeiN_018
I'm a 38 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
LuckyCharm_440
I'm a 29 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 29 and 40.
View Profile
Jade_242
I'm a 46 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
soutenpepper
I'm a 25 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 37.
View Profile
Amore4445
I'm a 44 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 42 and 54.
View Profile
limegreen48
I'm a 48 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
khosyx
I'm a 20 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 21 and 30.
View Profile
Lisa_Jayne
I'm a 27 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 23 and 35.
View Profile
MrsRobinson
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 36 and 45.
View Profile
angelface93
I'm a 21 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 21 and 29.
View Profile
Blondie_434
I'm a 31 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 28 and 43.
View Profile
Sonskyn83
I'm a 31 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
LoveStruck_188
I'm a 26 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
CLC_91
I'm a 23 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
naty677
I'm a 28 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 39 and 62.
View Profile
sunshinebright
I'm a 55 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
KarooBoereMeisie
I'm a 34 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 30 and 40.
View Profile
ShannaAK
I'm a 20 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 20 and 27.
View Profile
JustAnna
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 55.
View Profile
devotedlady
I'm a 43 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 43 and 55.
View Profile
SemiSoet_1991
I'm a 23 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 40.
View Profile
Katryn777
I'm a 34 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 40.
View Profile
Jimmyhgirl
I'm a 37 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 37 and 55.
View Profile
MistressofBrand
I'm a 34 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 34 and 44.
View Profile
SouthernLove
I'm a 23 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 26 and 35.
View Profile
PearlyGem
I'm a 55 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 50 and 60.
View Profile
molletdelvalles
I'm a 39 year old woman looking to meet men between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
DeeeXx
I'm a 31 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 21 and 32.
View Profile
thesaltofthesea
I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 50.
View Profile
Kawa1000
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
FeaturedProfile
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 54.
View Profile
MLACOME0147
I'm a 55 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 79.
View Profile
Pottie16
I'm a 44 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
rossi46
I'm a 66 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 65.
View Profile
Bushbaby210
I'm a 27 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 21 and 35.
View Profile
OohCharles
I'm a 53 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
GenuineJ
I'm a 64 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 48 and 64.
View Profile
Geard1977
I'm a 37 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 26 and 40.
View Profile
Lifechanger_7
I'm a 25 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 30.
View Profile
softtail
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 48.
View Profile
Padriac_1974
I'm a 40 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
cornrlius205
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 50.
View Profile
Determined_69
I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 47.
View Profile
Gerrie1
I'm a 67 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 60.
View Profile
letslook
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
waitingforgodot
I'm a 68 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 53 and 60.
View Profile
Liefasb
I'm a 63 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 60.
View Profile
deeptime
I'm a 53 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 48 and 58.
View Profile
B_B_B
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 45.
View Profile
Newdreamz
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 37 and 46.
View Profile
skyandsand
I'm a 31 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 35.
View Profile
Rumrun
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 44 and 56.
View Profile
Parmos1
I'm a 64 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 63.
View Profile
bellagio
I'm a 69 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 65.
View Profile
Abeachboy
I'm a 51 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 38 and 48.
View Profile
M0J0
I'm a 34 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 23 and 35.
View Profile
heartroll
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 60.
View Profile
TheRealPeterPan
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 33.
View Profile
Jurgy62
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 37 and 55.
View Profile
BobTheExtremeBuilder
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 47.
View Profile
JustJve99
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 45.
View Profile
boersoekvrou14
I'm a 39 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 42.
View Profile
cloudhopper
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 55.
View Profile
happymaker66
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
Mais_171
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 55.
View Profile
TheRisingSun
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 40.
View Profile
TheRealMrRight
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 42.
View Profile
gentlebutcrazy
I'm a 58 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
Cruisingoldie
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 50.
View Profile
LoveFriendFirst123
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 72.
View Profile
LiveLifeAlways
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 33 and 41.
View Profile
Rebelinbluejeans
I'm a 62 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 62.
View Profile
DJStarglance
I'm a 51 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 100.
View Profile
audiess
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 39 and 64.
View Profile
Breukes
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 26 and 35.
View Profile
plodof
I'm a 58 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
Espavo
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 48.
View Profile
Kent123
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
polar1970
I'm a 44 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
oth1982
I'm a 32 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 100.
View Profile
chester3
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 76.
View Profile
saks001
I'm a 61 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 60.
View Profile
shadowwarrior
I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 41 and 55.
View Profile
Stressfree
I'm a 58 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 42 and 52.
View Profile
Indivia
I'm a 23 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 25.
View Profile
Gster1
I'm a 64 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
Boereman
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 52.
View Profile
mitcheal_703
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 65.
View Profile
matiekat
I'm a 66 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 100.
View Profile
TheDuke_99
I'm a 36 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 42.
View Profile
Propriety
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
LEO1982
I'm a 32 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 40.
View Profile
Rich_H
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 48.
View Profile
PaulA79
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 40.
View Profile
areg57
I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 41 and 51.
View Profile
longingforu
I'm a 35 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 38.
View Profile
ekke_706
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 55.
View Profile
RVCZ
I'm a 24 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 24.
View Profile
tigercat
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 22 and 54.
View Profile
PerfectGentleman_700
I'm a 36 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 39.
View Profile
Teddiebeerpa
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 40 and 50.
View Profile
GideonVisser
I'm a 30 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 24 and 29.
View Profile
MysticKitesurfer
I'm a 43 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 27 and 36.
View Profile
Thebestone1
I'm a 57 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 48.
View Profile
Brad88
I'm a 52 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 60.
View Profile
WanderingShadow
I'm a 39 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
Banker009
I'm a 56 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 34 and 49.
View Profile
Double_N
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet men between the ages of 25 and 50.
View Profile
Moonrakker
I'm a 64 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 64.
View Profile
Marley77
I'm a 37 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 35.
View Profile
JONGKEREL
I'm a 62 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 49 and 55.
View Profile
Gazza619
I'm a 37 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 32.
View Profile
koolstoof55
I'm a 59 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 45 and 63.
View Profile
WagOngeduldig
I'm a 41 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
Pete_1
I'm a 70 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 55 and 65.
View Profile
philip_unplugged514
I'm a 62 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 50 and 68.
View Profile
Woody777
I'm a 50 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 55.
View Profile
Virion
I'm a 30 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 33.
View Profile
JustCallMeBwana
I'm a 47 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 28 and 38.
View Profile
Dreamzzz
I'm a 48 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 35 and 45.
View Profile
Tall_fun
I'm a 45 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 45.
View Profile
Eugene053
I'm a 54 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 45.
View Profile
Summerstorm_007
I'm a 60 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 48 and 58.
View Profile
arew
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 30 and 55.
View Profile
CapeLover
I'm a 49 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 41 and 50.
View Profile
Fairtalk101
I'm a 46 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 25 and 37.
View Profile
ch_nb
I'm a 28 year old man looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 45.
View Profile

Business Directory