‘Sex was better with my ex’

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Copy of bored sex lib INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPERS You do need to ask yourself why your new man has always shied away from settling down. Picture: Steve Lawrence

QUESTION: I’m wildly in love with my new partner, but he’s so boring in bed - he’ll only try one position and turn the light off. I’ve suggested we experiment, but he says men of his age (he is in his late-50s) are creatures of habit. I want to reply that my ex-husband and I (also 50-somethings) were always adventurous, but am scared he might leave me. What should I do?

 

ANSWER: Golden rule number one: it is never a good idea to talk to your current love about the fabulous sex you had with an ex. This is particularly true if the five-star bedroom artiste is your former spouse.

Many people end up loving a person who doesn’t top their personal “best in bed” poll, but how can it benefit anyone involved to share that knowledge?

What you need to challenge is the “creatures of habit” statement. What your partner means is that he is a creature of habit and frightened of change.

Can you track down an area of his life in which he has had to modernise? Does he tweet, or use Facebook, or watch 3D films?

All these mediums have only been in widespread use for a decade. Most of us acknowledge our lives can be enhanced by embracing change. If he’s not a new media convert, can you find a place he’s visited, or activity he’s embraced (dancing, golf, gardening, crosswords?), that was not previously on his menu?

The trick is to persuade your partner that he is not nearly such a stick-in-the-mud as he thinks he is. If you win the verbal argument outside the bedroom, it’s more than likely you can win some manoeuvrability inside it.

Why not make a pact that you can take charge for one night - and if he doesn’t like it, he’s back in the driving seat. Make it clear that if a new caress or position increases his pleasure, you’ll continue down that path; but if it doesn’t, then you will desist.

Do bear in mind that the whole notion of change almost certainly scares your man, so you have to make adjustments that are gradual, simple and soothing. Don’t suggest anything too unusual: your aim is to demystify the concept of sexual adventure.

Of course, your partner may be one of those stubborn old-school types, who refuses to budge from his comfort zone. If this is the case, you will have to make some tough decisions. How key is exciting sex to your existence?

Many women can accept a less exotic sex life in their 50s, in exchange for finding a companion they truly love and trust. And remember that many women would give their right arm to find a man who desires them and wants to have sex, no matter how repetitive the act.

The main thing is that you are in love with him. I presume he’s kind, attractive and interesting. Aren’t these better qualities than the ability to perform the Kama Sutra’s entire repertoire?

If your answer to this question is no, then your partner clearly isn’t right for you.

But before you do anything rash, reflect on the words of one 52-year-old divorcee: “I can find hundreds of men who want to have wild sex on dating sites, but finding a soulmate who will kiss me tenderly when I’m 80 is like hunting for a unicorn.” - Daily Mail

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