QUESTION: I'm a heterosexual man and next month I'm going to be a vendor at an LGBT event.
In the past I've been on the receiving end of attention while in primarily homosexual situations. (Apparently I'm a “bear.”) Any tips or advice on how to react in the role-reversal scenario when I'm in the minority and many may assume I'm homosexual as well?
I'm fine saying no, but I don't want to make things awkward when my job there is to fit in.
ANSWER: Role reversal, indeed. “Booth bear” please meet “booth babe,” or what Stuart Elliott, a well-regarded advertising columnist, refers to as “the whole subcategory of good-looking, personable folks hired to work in exhibition halls for trade shows.” In short, sex (or at least sexy) always sells.
For those who can't tell a gay bear from a polar bear, here's Urban Dictionary's definition: “Bear: A term used by gay men to describe a husky, large man with a lot of body hair.” Bears are very popular these days in the gay community - which you've already discovered.
But it strikes me that you're experiencing not only what it's like to be in the sexual minority, but also what it's like for many women when men hit on them. When I posted your question on Facebook, many responding seemed oblivious to that and made suggestions like: “Don't make the gays feels awkward” and “When in Rome, do as the Romans.”
Really, if a professional woman had asked this question, I doubt people would have replied in that manner, and it's tone-deaf in your situation, too.
So here's my advice: In cases of what I'll call “casual flirting,” which is to say you're not made uncomfortable, I'd smile and move on. If the sexual temperature rises, you can say something simple, like: “Thanks for the interest, but I don't swing that way.” If you're married, try: “Fun, but my wife might not like the idea,” while flashing your wedding band.
Or, you could just tell one of the actual bears that you're straight and let the word spread - it won't take long.
For situations that go beyond flirtation and start to feel as though you're being hit on, there's one rule that applies whether you're male or female, gay or straight, bear or cub: No means no.
Washington Post
* Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners.
* Civilities is a column in The Washington Post covering LGBT and straight etiquette.