How to manage your mother-in-law

Published Nov 21, 2013

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London - You can choose your husband but you can’t choose your in-laws – which many women have discovered to their chagrin.

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can often be a fraught one, with tensions increasing further if grandchildren come on the scene.

British journalist Katy Rink found even the mention of the term “mother-in-law” was enough to send some women into a spin – which gave her enough material to write a whole book about it.

In Managing Your MIL: You And Your Mother-In-Law, For Better Or For worse? she looks at the best and worst cases of this frequently tricky relationship and provides advice on keeping your cool, your sanity and your family intact.

She said: “It’s an important relationship and one you might have to put a lot of energy into getting right. It’s one where both are programmed to be mutually suspicious of the other.

“She wants you to be up to the job of looking after her son and you feel under pressure and sometimes insecure as you adapt to a new role as a wife and mother.”

Katy said it was important to remember that you both have the same goal in mind – your husband and her son’s happiness.

Katy, 37, who has been married for 10 years and has two sons, said it was a testament to her relationship with her mother-in-law that she had been able to write the book.

She writes: “I have blundered through the years managing my own mother-in-law (and vice-versa), making mistakes, learning from them and making them again.”

When researching the book, Katy got together a group of daughter-in-laws and asked them to discuss their experiences.

The results were both hilarious and alarming as the women revealed the highs and lows of dealing with their husband’s mother.

Some admitted they had a great relationship and had no cause for complaint.

But there were others who felt constantly undermined by their mother-in-law as a wife and mother and those who had endured cutting comments on everything from their weight to their housekeeping.

Katy relates one anecdote where a woman overheard her mother-in-law telling her children watching a nature programme: “Doesn’t that walrus have a lot of blubber like your mommy.”

While another mother-in-law, hearing the news that another grandchild was on the way, exclaimed to her son: “I can’t believe you haven’t had her sterilised yet.”

To begin with, she recommends establishing as early in the year as possible where you will spend Christmas.

As Christmas approaches and families will be spending more time together, Katy has plenty of tips to prevent any fallouts.

On the day itself, she said: “Limit alcohol at dinner and if it starts to get too much, remove yourself to go for a walk or read a book to calm down.

“Remember, you can’t change your mother-in-law but you can change the way you react.

“Don’t prickle too readily or look for hidden messages.”

She said the latter was particularly important when it came to presents.

Despite having heard about daughters-in-law who had been given nose hair clippers and chin hair removal cream by their mother-in-laws, she said it was always best to be grateful.

She said: “There is an art to receiving unwanted gifts from MIL; it’s quite simple – you thank her graciously, act delighted with the toe-nail clippers or cold cream for ageing skin and then put them in the present cupboard for regifting.

“What you must not do is interpret the gift as some sort of hidden message or Trojan horse.

“This is most unlikely – the idea of MIL, chewing her pencil, conjuring up the most pointed gift to buy you, just to needle you, is a paranoid delusion.”

Katy hopes her tips and stories make an entertaining read as well as helping families to avoid getting to the point of no return where their relationship becomes irreparable.

She writes: “If MILs and DILs everywhere could take a step back on reading this and think about where they might be able to improve things, then I will have done my job.” – Daily Mail

* Managing MIL – You and your Mother-in-Law for better or for worse? is published by Peridot Press and is available on Amazon

 

WHAT KIND IS YOUR MiL?

THE STEAMROLLER

She marches through the house barking orders about changes that need to be made. Upon arrival, she clearly expects a cup of coffee, right now, never mind what you were doing.

She’s happy to tell you where you’re going wrong on everything from the ironing to how you’re raising your children.

Most likely to say: “Thank goodness I came when I did”.

 

NANNY JAN

Similar to the Steamroller, she’s in her element when the grandchildren first arrive. When she comes to see you after you have a baby, it is all you can do to stop yourself from chucking your child in her face as she doles out her advice.

Most likely to say: “Come on then, hand him over, Nanny Jan knows how to look after you best.”

 

DODGY GRAN

You might leave your dog with her for the day, but not your children. She means well and you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but she can only ever concentrate on one thing at a time; if she was feeding one child, then the other would be playing with knives. It doesn’t help that she likes the odd tipple.

Most likely to say: “Gosh, can that really be the time?” or “Is it gin o’clock?”

 

THE APOLOGIST

She’ll always call at the worst time and is always at pains not to impose. Her anxiety and tiptoeing around you is a catalyst for toxic malevolence on your part. It is doubly irritating in that her grovelling seems to demand a response from you – reassurance, relief from blame, or perhaps merely attention.

Most likely to say: “I don’t want to be in the way.”

 

THE MANIPULATOR

It took you nearly a year to realise that everything you told her would be skewed slightly and fed back to your husband as a slur on your character. Not so much as to be an overt attack – she is far too clever for that – but a steady drip, drip so as to constantly undermine you.

Most likely to say: “All I crave is a little respect. Don’t I deserve that after 30 years of being his mother?”

 

THE SNOB

If you didn’t know it before, you do now – she is never going to accept you. You are greens to her vegetables, the serviette to her napkin. You’re terrified to invite her into your lounge and to ask her to take a seat on the couch.

Most likely to say: “A wedding on a Friday, how inconvenient. I expect it was cheaper. You’ll understand if we leave before the disc jockey comes on.”

 

THE RELUCTANT GRANDMOTHER

She rolls her eyes whenever you ask her to babysit. Everything is too much trouble. She has raised two children and she’s not about to start all over again with yours. What’s more, she’s always busier than you are, even when all she’s got on is a coffee date.

Most likely to say: “Can I babysit this evening? Well, hmmm, I’ll have to let you know.” (And she never does.)

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