London - Forget Confucius, Plato or any other planet-brained philosophers who have dispensed high-minded advice on how to live the ideal life.
A new book - Don’t Wipe Your Bum With A Hedgehog by Mitchell Symons - eals with the more crucial issues of day-to-day existence. Here is a sampling:
TRUTHS FROM THE DARK SIDE
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden for ever.
Gambling is a sure way of getting nothing for something.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a clever person to know how to lie well.
People are more violently opposed to fur than they are to leather because it’s safer to attack rich women than motorcycle gangs.
If at first you don’t succeed... you’re running about average.
A lone amateur built the Ark; a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
If you are going to go to all the trouble of lying, there’s no point in being half-hearted about it.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
HOW TO GET AHEAD
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Never put yourself down. That’s what friends are for.
If getting even doesn’t work, then just get odd.
Never get into fights with ugly people - they have nothing to lose.
If the worst comes to the worst, you can always be a bad example.
ADVICE FOR LIFE
When you were born, you were crying and everyone else around was smiling. Live your life, so that when you die, you are smiling and all around are crying.
Beware of anyone who isn’t on speaking terms with their siblings.
Never wear bow-ties unless you’re wearing a dinner jacket.
Never wear a kilt if you’re not Scottish.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.
Never buy anything from a menu that’s stuffed through your letterbox.
Never confuse your career with your life.
Never pay full price for a car.
Never grow a moustache. This applies to both sexes.
Never agree to sit on a committee.
Never forget the friends who helped you move.
Buy inexpensive cars, but own the best house you can afford.
Don’t worry about being too smartly dressed.
Be nice to your children - they choose your nursing home.
It’s easier to buy trousers with elasticated waistbands than it is to diet.
Avoid people who are nice to you but are rude to waiters.
Accept a breath mint if someone offers you one. Why do you think they’re offering you one?
Work like you don’t need the money, dance like no one’s watching and love like you’ve never been hurt.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
WELL, IT’S OBVIOUS, ISN’T IT!
Arms are too short to scratch the middle of the back.
Everyone is ignorant - only on different subjects.
comfort with happiness.
wealth with success.
age with maturity.
an apology with an excuse.
people who call themselves ‘happy bunnies’.
a man with a comb-over - if he can lie to himself, he can lie to you, too.
a skinny chef.
a man with a goatee beard.
AND DON’T FORGET...
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A torch is just a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalisations are false, including this one.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
When you dial a wrong number, it’s never engaged.
If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel.
Friendly fire isn’t -and nor are foolproof plans.