London - At this time of year, one’s heart goes out to the poor, overstretched Christmas catalogue writer.
This year’s most overworked phrase in the catalogues is “cutting edge”, even though the phrase “cutting edge” is itself no longer cutting edge.
A vase is “cutting edge”. A digital radio is “cutting edge”. A plain jersey in pale blue is “cutting edge”. In fact, the only thing that isn’t cutting edge is a set of kitchen knives: where’s that cutting edge when you need it?
“State-of-the-art” is another overworked cliche, for example: “This new lighting system is truly state-of-the-art.” As a vague rule of thumb, it’s worth regarding “state-of-the-art” as catalogue-speak for “bound to go wrong”. And if a toaster or a fan heater is described as “stunning” as well as “state-of-the-art”, then it means you should expect an electric shock from it within the first six weeks.
Anything dull and expensive is hailed as “a classic”. An £800 (about R17 000) kitchen table with four legs and a flat top is a classic, and so too is a £125 black umbrella.
There are, of course, various sub-sections under the heading “classic”, among them “classic with a twist”, meaning “dull and expensive but with little gold bits stuck on”, “instant classic”, meaning “characterless”, and “timeless classic”, which means “looks a bit like something your mother used to wear”.
In the world of clothes, the words “classic” and “essential” are interchangeable, even when used in the same sentence, as in “this classic white shirt is a fashion essential”. Often, catalogue words really mean their exact opposite: for instance, “a fashion faithful” translates as “unfashionable”, and “must-have” means “mustn’t-have”.
There are, of course, lots of catalogue euphemisms for “slutty”, among them “provocative”, “flirty”, “hot” or - worse - “red hot”, and “sure to get you noticed”, which is best translated as “sure to get you arrested”.
Be careful, too, of “form-fitting” which means “unforgiving”, “breath-taking” which means “could do with letting out”, “daring” which means inappropriate, “vibrant” which means clashing, and “exudes style” which means sweaty.
At the other end of the scale, “versatile”, “comfortable”, “peasant”, “dependable” and “made to last” all mean boring and shapeless. “Vintage” means moth-eaten, “sumptuous” means bulky, and “tasteful” means grey and very, very dull.
“Very Sixties” means orange; “very Seventies” means orange and brown; and “very Eighties” means orange and brown with big shoulders.
Enough of fashion! Another dud phrase that can be made to apply to every area of the department store is “homage to” (eg: ‘This work-out programme is a homage to Jane Fonda’ or ‘this two-piece is a homage to Chanel’) which means ‘copied from’. Even more shameless is the phrase ‘Inspired by’, as in: ‘A set of brandy glasses from our Luxury Overpriced Collection, inspired by James Bond.’
Ah, luxury! If you can’t think of anything else to say about a product, then there is always ‘luxury’ to fall back on. It used to be confined to soap, but now it applies to everything under the sun, from muesli to toilet paper.
John Lewis is currently offering no fewer than 213 products termed ‘luxury’, among them luxury cotton sheets, a luxury houndstooth shirt, a luxury cardigan, luxury fragrance, luxury shaving cream, luxury hand wash, luxury safety matches, a luxury chocolate assortment, a luxury lipstick ‘wardrobe’, a luxury bathrobe, a luxury footmuff, a luxury baby mobile, luxury tea, no end of luxury wrist-watches and a set of two luxury black elastic hair bands.
Christmas book catalogues present a particular challenge to the blurb-writer. As a general rule, if a book is described as ‘hugely enjoyable’, it means the author is fat, and if it is ‘immensely enjoyable’ then the author is morbidly obese.
When the author is described as ‘larger than life’, it means he’s fat and drunk, and probably looking for a fight.
In the literary world, ‘dizzying’ is an adjective very much in vogue. It’s really just a less offensive way of saying ‘muddled and impenetrable’, eg: ‘Salman Rushdie’s new novel is a dizzying triumph.’ ‘Effortless’ means lazy, ‘required reading’ means you’ll never get past page 18, ‘thought-provoking’ means daft, ‘edgy’ means full of people vomiting, and heartwarming (‘a heartwarming tale for all ages’) means cloyingly sentimental.
Finally, as Christmas approaches, beware anything labelled ‘festive’, which means bright red with bobbles, or ‘thrillingly festive’, which means bright red with bobbles and reindeers galore.
And, as far as board-games go, I’d avoid anything described as ‘fun for all the family’, unless you’re in need of a blazing row.
Daily Mail