QUESTION : A dear uncle of ours hasn't seen his 20-year-old daughter (our cousin) for 16 years.
His marriage broke down and his wife took the child to live seven hours away. Visits were made so difficult, he stopped going, to save disappointment. He remains single and gets on with life.
We recently found his daughter on Facebook and have encouraged him to contact her. But he's reluctant, fearing rejection because he thinks he's “not good enough” for her. Should we send a note via Facebook ourselves to see how the land lies? He's longed to see her again for 16 years.
Yours sincerely,
Brian and Anne
ANSWER: Remember that this girl is not only your uncle’s daughter. She is your cousin as well, and as such I don’t think anyone could object to your trying to contact her, whether her father is interested or not.
If she wants to know why her father doesn’t contact her directly, then you can tell her the truth – that although he has always loved her, he’s terrified that she’ll reject him. You, on the other hand, her cousins, would love to make contact, find out more about her life and check up on family connections.
And anyway, aren’t you interested yourselves, deep down, to get in touch with her? From your email it seems as if you would only be contacting her on behalf of her father. But wouldn’t you be rivetted to find a new relation?
Relations are odd. Although it’s said that you can choose your friends but can’t choose your family – and this remark is meant to make out that relations are less special than friends – you will nearly always find shared family characteristics with relations, even if they have been brought up in completely different surroundings, as your cousin has. There’s a genetic link – and that’s something you can’t share with friends.
Sometimes, relations look a bit like you or have the same habit, such as twiddling their hair. Sometimes they have the same interests. Wouldn’t it be fascinating to find out – and, while you’re at it, perhaps bring your uncle some joy as he gets older? It sounds as if he’s been unable to move on since this rift. Do you think that meeting his daughter would relieve his mind of the terrible burden he’s been carrying for so long?
And yes, relations can be a bit of a problem. When you’re young they can often they seem like aliens – terrible aunts you’re forced to kiss, uncles whose jokes you have to laugh at. But as you get older, you can find that blood is thicker than water (another hackneyed phrase) and that there are deep, primeval bonds with those who share some of our ancestry.
If you tell your uncle that you’re going to make this approach, there’s a chance he will try to put you off, which would, of course, make it extremely difficult for you. He’d discourage you because he would take a rejection of you as a rejection of him. But it’s a completely different scenario with you. You could cope with a rejection, while he’d find it very hard indeed. So I wouldn’t dream of letting him know what you’re doing, and only mention it if she responds positively. Why risk his being hurt?
If you get in touch and hear nothing or get a rude message, you won’t have lost anything. If you get a positive reply, you could possibly change lives. You’ve got nothing to lose.
The Independent